In no particular order:
- I like generic penetrative sex a lot more than most folks in the bdsm community so hunting there is always going to be mixed.
- I like topping more than I think but I still feel weird about being “dominant”. I like topping because I like taking people on journeys.
- As was just phrased by someone wiser than me: I need to feel worshipped.
- I cannot sustain monogamy forever.
- I think I want a balance of casual sex and real relationships with people other than Noah because… I’m a needy mother fucker.
- I need to be kissed a lot. If someone doesn’t spontaneously just do that whenever it could be arguably appropriate I’m going to spend a lot of time feeling anxious about the entire relationship. I need that validation/response/feedback.
- I have learned that Gabapentin joins a long list of meds that don’t work. And Klonopin.
- I can have solid poop on a regular basis if I eat how I have learned to eat. Mostly protein and vegetables with a fair bit of fruit. Minimal carbs but I can have them and kind doesn’t matter. HFCS is the devil.
- I am a very different place with grief than I’ve ever been before.
- It is a lot harder to avoid asking for permission for orgasms now than it was.
- I learned that I am going to, like magic, be allowed to have another baby. I thought that dream was impossible.
- We will not be going on the WWOOF year. Even after all these years of planning and hoping and longing… younger kids would make it not work. I can live with losing this dream. We will still travel, but not in the same way. It’ll be ok.
- I’ve learned that I am a god damn genius for having a good lawyer on speed dial.
- I have learned that I can do fantastic things on very little rest. I don’t think that was as true before. I’m hardening as I get older.
- I’ve learned that once in a while someone will say, “Wow. You are high maintenance. I can help with that.”
- I’ve learned a lot about my relationship with my mama. But that goes into letters you don’t get to read.
- I’ve learned that I need to have a list of people who are genuinely ok with texts/calls at weird/unpredictable times if I want to deal with my self harming. It’s like 12-step sponsorship. I self harm because I because I believe in that moment it is not ok for me to inflict the feelings I have on anyone and I don’t have a better way of stuffing. I should write names and numbers on the blackboard wall where I medicate so I can’t pretend people don’t want to know.
I am too tired to think any more. That’s enough.