Things I have learned about myself this year.

In no particular order:

  • I like generic penetrative sex a lot more than most folks in the bdsm community so hunting there is always going to be mixed.
  • I like topping more than I think but I still feel weird about being “dominant”. I like topping because I like taking people on journeys.
  • As was just phrased by someone wiser than me: I need to feel worshipped.
  • I cannot sustain monogamy forever.
  • I think I want a balance of casual sex and real relationships with people other than Noah because… I’m a needy mother fucker.
  • I need to be kissed a lot. If someone doesn’t spontaneously just do that whenever it could be arguably appropriate I’m going to spend a lot of time feeling anxious about the entire relationship. I need that validation/response/feedback.
  • I have learned that Gabapentin joins a long list of meds that don’t work. And Klonopin.
  • I can have solid poop on a regular basis if I eat how I have learned to eat. Mostly protein and vegetables with a fair bit of fruit. Minimal carbs but I can have them and kind doesn’t matter. HFCS is the devil.
  • I am a very different place with grief than I’ve ever been before.
  • It is a lot harder to avoid asking for permission for orgasms now than it was.
  • I learned that I am going to, like magic, be allowed to have another baby. I thought that dream was impossible.
  • We will not be going on the WWOOF year. Even after all these years of planning and hoping and longing… younger kids would make it not work. I can live with losing this dream. We will still travel, but not in the same way. It’ll be ok.
  • I’ve learned that I am a god damn genius for having a good lawyer on speed dial.
  • I have learned that I can do fantastic things on very little rest. I don’t think that was as true before. I’m hardening as I get older.
  • I’ve learned that once in a while someone will say, “Wow. You are high maintenance. I can help with that.”
  • I’ve learned a lot about my relationship with my mama. But that goes into letters you don’t get to read.
  • I’ve learned that I need to have a list of people who are genuinely ok with texts/calls at weird/unpredictable times if I want to deal with my self harming. It’s like 12-step sponsorship. I self harm because I because I believe in that moment it is not ok for me to inflict the feelings I have on anyone and I don’t have a better way of stuffing. I should write names and numbers on the blackboard wall where I medicate so I can’t pretend people don’t want to know.


I am too tired to think any more. That’s enough.

8 thoughts on “Things I have learned about myself this year.

      1. Danaoshee

        Thanks. *hugs* I’m out of crisis again today, in that way that is relatively predictable and yet totally unbelievable in the middle of the feels. Sigh. Stupid brains.

  1. Michelle

    You can add me to that list. I can’t promise I will say the right things but I can promise I will try.

    FYI I turn my phone off (or at least volume off) if I am in doc appts, movie theaters, or dinners. My phone usually does not wake me up, and though I’m trying to move my sleep schedule to an earlier one, it fluctuates especially in this heat so please don’t worry about the time if you want to call. My new phone seems to be more reliable about text messages but there are some glitches with voicemail.

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