Medicate and drop thoughts.

Other than the remodeling situation I really shouldn’t complain about my life. I’m having ups and downs, yeah. But my life is so fantastically good.

I was reminded today when I dropped by a party with folks I’ve known for more than half my life. Things are good. I can’t complain. There are things we are working on, but… I can’t complain.

Do you know what my big personal problem is? When I’m an asshole to Noah sometimes there are consequences in the form of him being hurt.

Yup.

He’s not locking me down. He’s being hurt. And he’s talking to me and trying to find ways for me to hurt him less while still getting my needs met.

No complaining, wench.

I love bleeding. The second day of bleeding is blissful. I don’t feel so psycho and depressed and anxious and suicidal.

At the same time, I sat in the shower today and counted on my fingers: July, August, September, October… maybe November… hopefully not December…..

I am a fantastically lucky woman. I really am. In this year Noah is letting me have the lovers I want and the baby I want.

Holy shit my life is blessed.

I went through and revamped a calendar that existed for the household anyway. I’ve added the folks who said, “I want to know when I could theoretically drop in” so far. If you want to be added tell me.

I will… update it over the next few days. There’s only one date on it so far. I can probably figure out which days are available for the rest of the summer in just a few minutes since the kids want 5 days a week at home with no guests.

But I need to look at Google calendar and the white board and the written calendar. My life is complicated. It’ll take a few days.

Especially given who popped up and said “Oh do it!” Yes. I’ll do it. My platonic friends want permission to drop in? Yes. Yes. Yes. Noah doesn’t have the same feels about y’all. Yes. You want to come over, Oh yes.

Platonic friends are awesome friends because then I can’t be told I’m ditching all my friends for lovers.

Yessssssssssss

(I don’t want to actually ditch my friends for lovers and I really don’t want to be accused of it. I just went and spent a weekend with Sarah. P came to dinner. I AM STILL SEEING FRIENDS, DAMNIT.)

I saw lots of friends today. See. I can do it.

I saw folks I have known for almost twenty years. Way more than half my life now; we reflected how happy we are about that fact.

As always I feel gross about medicating. I feel guilty about the time spent. I feel gross for how much I smell. Oh man.

But I need to sleep hard tonight. With luck it’ll be a good night. Tomorrow is semi-restful then my Bonus Kids come over. Wheeeee. Wednesday we will head to Santa Cruz after my Bonus Kids are picked up. Tonight’s sleep matters.

Because I’m still using this space to be honest with Noah… I’m still talking to the Quiet One a lot. He hasn’t been scared off by our various drama yet. No one else is frequent. Everyone else is kinda getting scared off, I think. But I’m guessing and I shouldn’t pretend I can read minds. The Professor gets mad at me when I do.

We’ve only been talking for a month. We’ve had a few make-out dates and that is as far as it has gone.

I like him. He’s another one my shrink is going to flip out about when I come clean. My shrink is now happy that “Deity seems to have such great respect for my marriage.” Sigh. I could wish for a hair less respect. Well, not less respect. But… never mind.

Fuck. Not less respect. Just… I’m a greedy bitch. He’s hot. Noah was describing his perception of the visuals of me having sex with Deity. Apparently it is distinctive how much I enjoy it. Even to someone who is my absolute favorite person to have sex with. Even to someone who has seen me have sex with a lot of people.

I could wish Deity had more enthusiasm. But you take what you can get.

I think I understand why. But I’m… being me and filling in the blanks with what I’m guessing and that’s always fraught.

I mean… I am right sometimes.

I feel really guilty for how good it feels to be talked to this much. I’m trying to figure out the boundaries around it. There are going to be more boundaries. I can tell. But right now I’m still doing that tiptoe into someone’s personal space before I’ve hit the spiked wall… It’s… exhilarating.

His boundaries aren’t where I am used to them being. I’m wrong about every assumption. Shit. My mental model is going to grow slowly. I hope I am not too awful in the process.

I am so weary. But right this minute I feel blessed beyond all comprehension. Noah you are being generous beyond any expectation of generosity. Clearly… you love me. Or you wouldn’t be putting up with what you are putting up with.

Thank you, my love. Thank you for everything.

Seeing friends today was an interesting case study is oxytocin flooding from various sources. I hugged many old friends. Only kissed Noah, and I think barely. I did get an oxytocin boost. But it was nothing like a makeout session. Even just thinking about a makeout session is more flooding.

Kissing kissing kissing kissing.

There is a problem I’m going to have soon that I’m looking forward to. It is going to be a bit of a problem but I’ll just deal. It’ll be fine.

Ahem. *cough*

Somehow I suspect my sex life is going to be massively impacted by having guests in the next bedroom. Sigh.

This trip may be a chance for me to rest up for Mardi Gras. I keep telling Noah: Mardi Gras only lasts for a day… maybe a week depending on how you look at it. Not a month.

He wants me to do it for a month. Whatever I want. Whoever I want. Whenever I want. Uhm, following obvious prohibitions around kid boundaries. Any votes for how explicitly I document?

I now know my babysitting windows for that whole time period.

Ok I need sleep. G’night.

One thought on “Medicate and drop thoughts.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *