I have pretty much convinced myself that Abilify is not helping that much and it is not compatible with pregnancy nor breastfeeding. Well. I guess that answers whether I’m staying on that med or not.
Seriously, I think oxytocin is going to be the winner. I think I am going to have to get oxytocin to carry me through.
I didn’t use this much pot when I was pregnant with my youngest child. I didn’t use it until my oldest was approaching a year. I used to go through an eighth every few weeks. Now it is every few days.
I can’t use at this level during a pregnancy. I need to bring it down. There is the very real probability that I should be on some form of medication even with the impact on a child and pot is one of the least damaging ones available. But I want to be using way less. Like, maybe I need to stick to topicals. It is not nearly as effective but I need to close the gap with other things like oxytocin and slowing my life all the way the fuck down.
Being pregnant needs to be the biggest project. After that comes home schooling. Which means other people and other projects will have to happen rarely if at all. Other people can come over and help. But I won’t have much to give. I need to do that this time if I want a better experience. I need to invite people over to help more.
I was too scared and ashamed previously.
I need help. That doesn’t make me pathetic. It makes me human. I give a lot to a lot of people. It’s ok that I need help too. I know I don’t feel like I’ve paid back my childhood yet but oh well. I still will need help.
I can’t pay back the people who helped me when I was a child. I can only pay it forward and how can that be measured?
I need to go in. I should be done medicating.