Hard.

Last night was a good example of both why I want to step out and why it is a problem. I’m not going to fill you in on all the details. I work very hard to make sure this blog is not a list of done-me-wrongs.

Suffice to say that our sex life continues to be complicated.

I’m going to freak out over Noah dating. This is more predictable than weather. I don’t think I’m a good person. I think he deserves someone better. Him going out and dating is going to be setting us up so that I feel my replacement is on deck and I don’t need to be here.

I’m scared.

I have spent my whole life looking for the flimsiest of justifications for why I don’t need to stick around. I have managed to not die, but I flirt with it every year.

I am going to struggle with feeling like I have any possible value at all when he goes and dates. Does that mean I think he should feel like his value is eliminated by my fucking other people? No. Of course not.

I’m a hypocrite and I’m selfish and I’m terrible. I know.

I don’t fuck other people because they are better than Noah. They aren’t. No one is better than Noah. I do it because I am absolutely driven by sex with new people. It provides energy and turn on and responsiveness that I just can’t get with a long term partner. But I can bring it back to my long term partner, if he lets me.

It isn’t Noah’s responsibility to live his life in a way that is trying to keep me from killing myself. That’s not something he can pursue as a goal. That has to come from me.

But I don’t now what would work to make me stop wanting to die. I don’t feel like this because of Noah. I feel like this because I feel like this. I don’t want to hold Noah hostage.

But I am genuinely terrified that I will feel like he found a better-than-me replacement and I should go. Someone who isn’t such a problem. Someone who isn’t so selfish and bad.

I know I don’t deserve Noah. There is too much good there for me to ever deserve him. I know he deserves better than me and I’m just waiting till he spots it so I’m not necessary.

Which isn’t fair. Which is holding him hostage. I’m not. I’m going to let him do whatever he wants to do. That’s what I do. I don’t really tell Noah no that much. That is a piece of our problem. I just… don’t think I’m worth defending. Until I explode and I say I can’t follow rules anymore because we’ve had rules for years that are hurting me and I can’t keep doing this.

Then I’m the problem. I’m the problem. I’m the problem. Because I’m handling the problem so fucking badly.

I have been following rules. I have not done anything inappropriate near my children. I stay gone for very limited periods of time and I return when I say. I spanked before I had permission and I pushed the limits on using gloves for fingering. I asked about a possible exception to barriers and otherwise I have strictly followed the rules since then. As soon as Noah says he wants things to be special… I put it on lock down.

Do you know how hard it is for me to not ask permission to orgasm? I’ve done it during the majority of sex I’ve had since I was 20 years old. But Noah says no. So I’m figuring it out.

But I have no respect for my marriage or boundaries, right?

If I look in retrospect at my hunting pattern over the last five months…. ok now I see a lot more that seems obvious. I see how I’m looking for support and I don’t know where to get it from. I see that I want to figure out what I want because trying to use my words with Noah hasn’t gotten me there.

I like being chased. The vast majority of my hunting is done with me chasing. Which is not my preference. So most of the folks I’ve seen over the last few months have been folks where I had to do the asking and initiating and I push for what I want. In many ways I got the opposite of what I wanted. Because I’m good at that. Getting what I want and the opposite at the same time by the same route.

I have shaken the tree of my life as hard as I can. I turned up with three people who are asking for time.

I think I need to notice things like that. Other people won’t turn down time that I offer… which isn’t the same thing.

There’s a huge difference in the amount of wanting.

I really don’t like feeling like I’m pushing myself on folks who are lukewarm. It is getting closer to being a phobia.

Two of the three are pretty darn happy with group play. That’ll be most and maybe close to all of how we play going forward. Only the darn mostly-vanilla-switch won’t have group sex. But he’s satisfied with rare sex and hanging-out-with-Noah-in-the-vicinity.

Noah feels I want to take away half or more of my focus from our marriage. I don’t believe that is true long term. I believe that it has felt true for a period of time. I don’t think it is really that I’m obsessed with strange dick but that I’m trying to figure a lot of stuff out about myself as fast as possible and I’ve never been able to do that without bouncing off of new people. I’ve never been able to learn a lot about myself quickly without intensity and do you know how hard it is to talk people into intense connection without sex?! I scare the shit out of people.

But in post coital glow I have them trapped. Answer my demanding and invasive questions. Muahahaha.

Ahem.

I know I need to find a way to not feel like Noah dating is a threat to my existential right to exist. I know.

I’m not blowing things up for shits and giggles. I’m blowing things up because I can’t continue. I know that you are going to need more support going forward and I have to support you getting that.

I know that the only way you bond with people is through sex. We match. Sigh.

Ok, I don’t only bond with people through sex. I actually have a huge network of vanilla/platonic relationships. I am deeply bonded with a lot of people without having to fuck them.

You aren’t.

I have managed to piece together a support network for years. I need more support than I get from it… but I do have a support network. It is incredible and vast.

You don’t have that. I tried other paths. I did. I fucking did.

I don’t think I will long term have a strong need to have tons of outside sex. I think that sometimes I will need to learn a lesson. I won’t know what lesson until I’m done.

Part of what I learned was where to lean harder on my support network because I saw who stepped up and said, “Yes. Me.”

And my support network grew. I don’t think I’m losing anyone.

This experiment was rocky. My experiments often are. Personal growth hurts.

Breakfast is ready. I should go in.