Why this marriage

Why is Noah worth so much? Why is Noah worth not dating other people? I need to remind myself of that right now.

Noah is my best friend. Noah is the best friend I have ever had. Noah pays attention to me at the expense of having almost anything else in his life because I need so much attention that he just doesn’t have a lot going spare after me.

It is partially my fault that Noah doesn’t have friends. I wear him the fuck out.

Why Noah? Because when sex with Noah is on it is the best of my life. When it isn’t ok I get very cranky and that’s maybe not fair. It isn’t always Noah’s fault. Sometimes he is being an inconsiderate bastard, yes, but as he points out it has improved a lot.

No he hasn’t gotten to perfect yet. But he’s come a long way.

He really has improved: in play, in sex, in taking care of me, in being supportive… in every area. He has not slacked off. Not on anything. Not really. He’s not perfect. He fucks up. He hurts me. But it isn’t because he doesn’t care and it isn’t because he isn’t trying.

It’s because he came into this kind of a broken mess too.

Noah was broken long before I met him. Noah came into this marriage believing he wasn’t really worthy of love too. Noah spent most of his life feeling unloved and not accepted too. Only he did it in just a few places with just a few people so he calcified differently.

Noah didn’t grow up with the eternal promise of hope in new people. I did. New people mean different things to me than to him. Noah grew up in a small xenophobic town where he was hated and reviled. He was different all his life and they knew it and hated him for it.

But I love him for it. And that has allowed him to blossom.

Noah is a much bigger (I don’t mean in size) person than he was when I met him. He’s focused and determined. He is centered and more happy.

I am too. Noah gave me a center. He gave me a home and safety and being known. No one had ever wanted to know me before Noah.

I mean, I had friends and lovers. Don’t get me wrong. People “knew” me. But when I wrote my first book and old friends read it… most of them were shocked. Which means they had known me for a very long time without knowing much about me. I’m hard to know.

Why am I stepping out? It’s complicated. Part of it has to do with trying to accommodate a role I can’t actually sustain without outside assistance. I can’t be just “on” all the time sexually in my day to day life. Cleaning my house and playing with my kids just doesn’t do that for me.

Hunting does.

But hunting is hurting Noah so very much. He’s scared. Hunting is all about enjoying NRE. (New Relationship Energy)  For all that I may burn with the energy of the sun… I can’t actually shine on many people very well.

Maybe I’m more like my mother than I’d hope. Only I can manage to take care of more than one child at a time. I’m sure I’m not being fair to my mother.

I’m not really being fair to anyone lately.

Why this marriage?

Because I think that if I manage to learn how to get my needs met and be a genuinely good partner to Noah I will be a better person than I can manage any other way. I think Noah offers me more impetus for changing than anyone else. I think that Noah is the only person who is going to spend the rest of my life gazing at me in adoration while saying, “You are awesome. Now get better.”

If you can’t look back on yourself eighteen months ago and say, “Wow I really sucked. You aren’t trying hard enough.”

That. The fact that it has been true. It has stayed true through ten years of marriage. If we look back on any given eighteen month period… we see dramatic improvement.

Do you know how amazing that is to me, Noah? That we both just… keep doing it. Because we stand near one another and ruthlessly dissect one another up one side and down the other. You are awesome. Now get better.

It’s a fuck ton of pressure. This shit is intense.

And we do it for and with each other. Pretty much every step of the way.

Why this marriage? Because being Krissy Gibbs has been the absolute happiest I have been. This identity, this relationship is what gave me wings. R doesn’t want me to feel like I owe Noah anything and I get that. I totally support her having that opinion.

I owe Noah a lot. And he owes me a lot. And we like it that way.

When you are constantly trying to get better, you need to have support in changing. Support in changing is usually not comfortable. It usually fucking sucks.

I don’t know how to motivate someone to change gently. If you have tips, I’ll listen. I’m kinda like an anvil dropping on your head. Alright biotech. This is how it needs to be.

I’m that subtle.

Time to go again.