I am feeling self recriminating. So I had self hating thoughts about how I could go validate that I’m a piece of shit. (There are after all websites that spend a lot of time talking about how shitty I am. I stopped checking a long time ago to see how the conversation is ongoing. I just know that it… probably is.)
But I laughed to myself. No. I’m not going to look. They are entitled to their opinions. Just like I’m entitled to sit here in my garage and shake my head and call them motherfuckers. It’s ok.
I am at a magical place when it comes to the intersection of privilege. It’s really fucking hard for someone to hurt me. So it doesn’t matter if they hate me. They can’t take away anything I care about. If I had their positive regard I would probably dislike myself.
I’d rather know that I’m doing the absolute best I can given the hand I’ve been dealt in this life. It has been quite a god damn adventure. I have seen a lot of things and been a lot of places. And I don’t plan to stop having adventures any year soon. Well… 2017 we are staying home. Even though it means I won’t be in the direct path of the solar eclipse.
I adventured. I adventured far and wide and nearby. I adventured with my kids and I adventured on my own sexually.
Ok. I can stay home again.
Things will be different this time. Even though my shrink believes that it is just how life works that people must be alone or at a job… bite me. We often have differences of opinion and I can cope with that. A therapist doesn’t exist to tell you what to think. They exist to help you figure out what you think. Sometimes you do that by disagreeing with advice.
I am a highly resourced individual. Don’t underestimate me.
For one thing I have a charming next door neighbor who is house bound. Ha. Our kids play frequently.
I won’t be alone this time. I am connected to my neighborhood now and I wasn’t during my previous pregnancies. I met people with talking kids.
I needed chaperones.
I needed them to define my role with people. I know that is chicken shit and I should just exude these boundaries on my own but I don’t.
God I love home schooling. It is a way to hide myself in plain sight in the world. In relationship to my kids I know how to keep myself safe. Because their safety is my primary goal. I will walk away from escalations. I will defuse when I want to engage. I will back off and retreat. I… don’t really do that for myself.
I will god damn keep my body safe until they are adults. I owe them that.
Which is complicated. This need to see myself in relationship to other people at all times in order manifest things in my behavior… that’s really hard. That involves trying to consciously change my reactions and behaviors at full speed.
I worry about the amount of suppression in my life. It means my uhh more instinctive reactions pop out every so often.
I assume this works this way for everyone. This is the development of the Superego. (I know Freud is a quack but I like the frame of his theory enough that I continue to kind of use his words.)
My problem is that I’m not willing to be conservative. I don’t stay well within the boundaries in the obviously acceptable areas. I need to find out how fucking far the boundaries go. I have to know.
What will happen if I _____________?
I have to know.
It is 7am. Today I should call contractors, paint my kitchen, talk to my neighbor, and go to martial arts.
No more typing.