A lot of the reasons I’ve been such a selfish asshole lately are because of resentments. Things I do or put up with or don’t get and I resent it. I feel there could be another way, but I get what Noah is ok with me having and tough shit.
I don’t think I have a bad deal. I really don’t. But I’m still a resentful person. Not all the time. Usually I can squash it.
But sometimes it overwhelms me.
What would feel like an actual rebellion? What would feel like it was making up for the resentment? I think that’s kinda what I’ve been trying to do and it is failing.
It’s failing for so many reasons in so many ways. I’m still such a resentful piece of shit. I’m… falling more into line but I feel this simmering cauldron in my chest. Will this long term be abated by group play?
Do I still want to be married?
Do I still want to be married to Noah?
But I also hunger for feeling like I am something other than his.
Recently I was talking with someone who is completely opposed to being (name) & (name). Even if this person dates or has sex… they don’t do relationships and they never want other people to know about the interactions. It all has to stay secret.
That’s not me.
I’ve probably had a maximum of five years of my life where I didn’t have someone in the “person I’m crushing/loving on” position since I was five years old. So about thirty years of that now.
I’m never just me. I don’t exist that way. I’m always Krissy & _________.
As a result I’m pretty damn good at conflict resolution which is amazing given how pro-conflict I am. Anyway. I can find relationships. Keeping them is harder.
Dealing with long term resentment is hard. I resent the motherfucking shit out of the years of not getting off. I know it was mostly about me and my hormones and whatever, but I was gritting my teeth through pain so you could fuck me. For years.
I feel so much resentment. I feel owed and angry and I don’t know what.
And that is a terrible attitude to have. How is that going to get me anywhere? But I fucking feel that way. I feel so fucking mad. I don’t know what I expect him to do about it.
I want to scream and break every glass object in my house. I want to scream and scream and scream and scream that I am tired of my sex life not being about me.
Which will cause Noah to turn and say, “Hey I’ve been trying harder lately. See we’ve been keeping track on the white board and now that I have that hanging over my head you’ve had a bunch of good days so what are you complaining about?”
I feel so angry.
That was the price of my safety.
That was the price of help.
That was the price of not being ignored.
I got good god damn return on all the putting out I did. I don’t know a more attentive husband. But I’m having trouble bearing it.
I think I should schedule some pushing-my-luck dates. I really should. Only doing sanctioned stuff is going to piss me all the way off. Ok, I’m only going to do sanctioned stuff. But I’m going to do some stuff that I can only do this month that will be off the table going forward.
I’m so frustrated with trying to be good and still failing so much.
Noah is giving me a way to blow off steam. If I don’t use it and I stay mad at him… that’s shitty too.