Love/hate

I am not a person who accepts influence well. I note things about the world then go home and reflect on them and course correct to include things that I felt inspired by… but if someone says, “You should” I repel off them like I’m playing a video game.

Bounce.

I move through life with all the force of a speeding train doing what I’m doing. I can’t course correct for the whims of other people. I’d crash. Why do I operate that way? Is it because I am sure I am right? No. I fuck up big. I fuck up with all the speed of a speeding train hitting a brick wall.

Whoops.

I do this because it is how I can overcome the hurdle of my self hatred. It is how I can act even though I’d rather be at home crying and cutting in my bathroom.

Because I pick a direction, I pick a set of tasks, I pick a set of behaviors I’m supposed to nail… and I move.

That sucks for Noah when the direction I’m moving in is “I want to find out who I am by myself again.”

Noah didn’t take the road trip like the vacation I sorta wanted it to be for him. Instead he reacted like a plant that was ripped out of the yard where it gets lots of sun and it was put in a closet for 5.5 months.

He wilted.

And I came home so completely over-saturated on mothering and my subsumed identity that…

We are exploding with all the force of a speeding train hitting a brick wall.

Boom.

The funny thing is: this totally describes my problems with person after person after person. They try to provide subtle influence. I’m supposed to notice that I’m supposed to pattern match off them. I don’t.

Boom.

Boom.

Boom.

I don’t understand how I have friends left.

I am starting to feel a little terrified of what I’ve gotten myself into with the group trip to Florida. We are together for two solid weeks. There are ten of us. Five adults and five kids.

And I can’t have pot.

Boom.

We all have separate cabins on the cruise. We don’t have to be together all the time. The Bonus Family has no interest in Universal, and I really want to go. So that’s a day separate. At the beach we have two apartments so we could rotate folks through having their own space for a night if anyone is really overwhelmed.

We have built in escape valves. I’m consciously planning only a few hours a day of stuff. I’m very very consciously planning down time. Sit somewhere. I don’t care where. Just sit.

I am also bringing running shoes. I will run a fuck ton of miles to burn off energy. Wheeeeee. I will stretch. Maybe Noah and I will be good about meditating since we’ll have so little else to do. Heh.

I’m not bringing my phone or a computer. Noah’s phone will be good enough for directions.

I’m scared of more boom.

I need to box up the presents I was going to give Jenny’s family and mail it off. I’m very glad that she is prioritizing the health of my niece/nephew to be. I’ll be sad she isn’t there, but she’s making the right choice. I’m very very glad. Hell I told her to ask her doctor before she thought of it.

I’m very glad she is making the choice she is making.

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