I must say: this Afrin nose spray is heavenly. I’m getting 7-8 hours of sleep a night. I want to fall down and kiss the feet of the doctor who suggested this. I am definitely bringing some on the cruise. Maybe allergy pills are worth exploring? I should ask. Or maybe just god damn try something over the counter and skip a doctor.
Breathing is kinda miraculous, you know?
I see my med doctor in 10 days. I’m scared she will want to put me on something extreme again.
Can we please please please stop treating my body as if it has schizophrenia? That is going quite poorly for me.
I need something different. I don’t know what it is yet. But not to be treated like I have schizophrenia.
I come from a family with PTSD. I get the impression it has been around for generations. We have a lot of stories of neglect and depression and self harm and suicide. Over time my opinion of the depression I have felt and the depression I see in my family has changed. I’m not sure I see it as something bad that must be avoided at all costs. I see it as something that sometimes makes sense. I’m not saying depression is logical. I’m saying it makes sense. That’s not really the same thing.
I’ve had more than one period of my life where intense depressions are probably the reason I stayed out of jail. Maybe it wasn’t so terrible.
I have reached an important conclusion about myself as a bdsm player. I will never again play without a safeword. Because that’s the difference between setting myself up for trauma and being able to protect myself. I need a way to say stop hurting me.
Or I can’t do bdsm at all.
Because the difference between bdsm and abuse is the ability to stop it when it is a problem. I couldn’t stop Noah from “doing a scene” on a day that already overwhelmingly traumatic and it has had consequences for our marriage and my body for ten years.
I can’t let that happen again. I need to be able to say, “Not now. Motherfucker.”
Hell, maybe that should be my safeword.
If I get to the point of saying that…. back away….
I don’t defend myself unless there is some very good reason to. At this point my reason to is because I don’t want my children to see me not defend myself.
I do a lot of things now because I want my children to see someone who does them.
I know that is part of why Noah was so surprised by me going off leash. It seems so out of character.
It is and it isn’t. My character has many facets. I worry about being in the closet. I worry about being perceived as a liar later.
I missed Dore Alley. Will I miss Folsom too? Sigh.
I miss my friends. I miss the person they accept me as.
I keep thinking it would be fun to write up a class called Rape, Rape Play and what I’ve learned.
It would be offensive as fuck, I’m sure.
Ok I’m done.