Mixed feelings

I’m so tired. I’m so tired I have managed to nap today. Yay? BaGG was wonderful. My friends embraced me to their pervy bosoms and nurtured my slutty nature. Thank you for loving me and tolerating my come and go nature.

I asked Noah for permission to play a little since my month isn’t really over. I said I would keep it light. I did. I played for like 15 minutes with a person I met at a party recently. It was fun but not real intense or in depth. I also spent a lot of time flirting/kissing/dancing/rubbing on a variety of other friends. Some of whom are previous lovers/play partners.

The kissing stayed light and not intense. The play never got sexual. Ok, rubbing my butt on people while dancing was sexual but that was the most of it.

I feel bad that I haven’t been better at keeping things at this level. This would not have hurt Noah so much.

One of my former lovers/play partners actually asked me if I wanted to leave the club and go to a motel for a few hours. I said thank you, but no.

Your wife may be fine with it. My husband would have feelings and I need to care about that right now. But thank you for the offer. You are aging wicked hot (God damn) and I feel quite flattered by your offer.

Noah keeps telling me that I’ll never run out of tempting offers. He’s probably right.

I have to say, knowing that I’m 10 weeks out from trying to conceive (that means we’ll get started trying right after a bleeding cycle ends–convenient) means I’m less tempted to push hard on new partners or renewing a partnership that hasn’t been acted upon in more than ten  years.

If Deity flirted hard saying no would be much harder.

Sigh.

The music wasn’t great… but honestly that’s typical. Oh well. I did get to help demonstrate that a polka can be done in an incredibly constrained space.

When I got home Noah was waiting up because he doesn’t sleep without me. That makes sense. I don’t sleep without him either.

I have been binging on season 5 of Call the Midwife. I like the examinations of families and interactions and burdens and joys. This season is brutal and sad. I wouldn’t recommend coming in at this point to anyone. It would not grab the heart in the same way. But it is informative as to history still. And beloved characters are carrying on. I like seeing what that means even though most of it is sad.

I understand that mostly, life is sad.

My beloved submissive is going to come watch me paint so that I feel a little more motivated to get done. My neighbor wants me to come over so we can have more girl talk. Friends will drop by this weekend.

I hate how not talking to people all day long on the internet means I feel lonely. It is an existential feeling that I hate. I don’t deserve to feel lonely. My life is full to bursting. This is misperception. This is broken.

I’m not alone. I am loved and cared for. I do not know how it would be possible to end up with more/better than I have. Not for someone like me. Why don’t I appreciate it more? Why don’t I just sit with the gratitude I feel?

Where does all this pissiness come from?

It isn’t that I think I should have more or I should get more. That’s not it at all.

My sweet loves have cuddled me for a lot of today. I’m afraid this oxytocin rush is going to have to come from them. I won’t be able to kiss my friends to get it. I just get to love my children.

Wife and mother.

Be that.

Why doesn’t it feel like more?

am more? Does it matter? Does any of it matter at all?

I don’t know. But that’s enough typing for today. Ow.

Thank you, Beautiful, for the ride. I had a great time. I’m glad I get to be friends with you.