Bitter

Too much is in limbo. My nose is still healing and I’m still restricted because of that surgery. The house remodel is still ongoing and has been for years. The stress is really getting to me. I emailed the med doctor I’m mad at because I want testing done and starting from scratch with a new person will suck; I don’t particularly want to work with her anymore but I also don’t want the hunt for a new person.

I’m freaking out because the first attempt at a vasectomy reversal failed. I’m scared the second try will fail and I won’t want Noah to try a third time because… it’s not meant to be.

Noah remembers him getting a vasectomy as a mutual decision. I remember bitterly saying that if something happens to Noah I am going to try again for another kid and that’s why I didn’t get fixed. Even though it would be risking my life.

I’m feeling overwhelmed with bitterness that my parenthood decisions are often out of my hands and yet Noah is telling people that these are mutual decisions.

I’m freaking out because the kids keep telling people we are going to have a baby as if I’m already pregnant and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to get pregnant and…

I’m getting really really upset about all of this. It feels really bad.

I am tired of living in a house that is staged and squashed and having to fit around work. I want to just go back to living and it is months until that will be true. I don’t know if I’m setting this house up to handle more babies or if I’m done having babies.

This is hurting me so much. I would like to spend the day sobbing. Because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to prepare for. I feel stuck and frustrated and helpless. My body is not under my control. My life isn’t under my control.

I am so frustrated I could scream and scream and not stop screaming for days.

4 thoughts on “Bitter

  1. RoseRed

    So…, what are the post vacation visitation rules? Would having a friend come over be a welcome distraction or just One More damned thing to deal with?

    I’ve been a cranky butt today, I blame the heat. It’s hard to stay positive under these conditions! Let alone all your “normal” household and parenting stressors and the surgery and the baby hope/fear/uncertainty.

    *cool hugs and a deep squeeze*

    Reply
    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      Until we are both healed from surgery I should keep things to a minimum because we are seriously over loaded. We could come visit you on the afternoon of the 12th though.

      Reply
      1. RoseRed

        Intriguing! Wednesday the twelfth…, seems open! A gets out of school at 12:30 and needs to leave for rehearsal at 3:30pm. Do those 3 hours work for you?

        Just to be clear, I was offering to come visit on a weekday other than Wednesday between 10am and 1:30pm, while the kiddo is at school. To socialize, to help if you have stuff that I could help with, or some admixture thereof. 🙂

        RR

        Reply
  2. Theresa

    I *hate* not being able to plan. I am so sorry about the limbo, and about the renovation stalling. I hope your environment can get to the way you like it soon and you can start moving forward again.

    Reply

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