Criticism

I’ve always been shit at taking criticism. That’s not new. But I feel like an old habit is popping its head up and making trouble lately. I can sometimes take criticism well. Sometimes I just… I feel like every specific “You could do x better” is the same as “You are a piece of shit who should die.”

This is kinda shitty for the people in my life.

Noah is still justifiably upset about a lot of what I did during nonmonogamy. I’m not upset that he is upset. He’s allowed to have feelings. What I’m not handling is long lists of “And then you did this and then you did this and then you did this” because I want to turn around and deflect blame. MAYBE I DID THAT BECAUSE I WAS SO FUCKING SICK OF YOU FUCKING ME WHILE I CLENCHED MY GOD DAMN FISTS AND GRITTED MY TEETH. IF YOU ARE SO PISSED OFF AT WHAT I DID MAYBE LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID TO ME FIRST.

It’s like my shrink immediately jumping to assuming Noah has ADHD (because I was diagnosed and we suspect he has it) and he needs to have his behavior excused for it but I still need to work on my behavior because my behavior isn’t good enough.

I’m feeling…

I feel like I’m standing next to the fucking golden boy who can do no wrong and I’m the evil bitch who is ruining his life by not being passive and accepting and giving enough.

I’m feeling really angry.

If I respond badly to being hurt I am bad.

I’m sorry I am not a fucking saint. Noah is the one campaigning for sainthood, not me. Yes yes, he’s perfect. He tries so much harder than other men so he can’t be criticized whereas I’m just an ungrateful bitch who is not trying hard enough to deserve him.

I’m feeling…

like shit.

I don’t feel good enough for anything and it makes me feel really mean.

I feel overwhelmed with waves of sadness.

I asked the construction workers how much longer this would take yesterday. I was told 5-6 more weeks. I wrote 7 on the calendar. They will be here till January. I’m living in hell till after Christmas. Weee.

Well, on the upside I only have ~20 hours of tile layout left and 3 weeks in which to do it. But a lot of the other settling can’t happen yet. I’m going bananas. We are on week 9. Of a 6-8 week project. And we have 5-7 weeks to go.

I want to put my head through a window.

Be cheerful! Be chipper! Wait on everyone! Do it with a smile! Come up with intellectual exercises to stimulate and develop your children constantly without rest! Do manual labor all day then throw your legs up in the air with a smile! Don’t be ungrateful!

Fuck gratitude.

I am very seriously struggling with the fact that I’m not allowed to self harm to force myself back into the small box I’m supposed to be living in. I’m supposed to do it with just force of will.

I’m running low on willpower.

I should get everything done without being obnoxious about scheduling and neurotic about following through on things.

Oh yeah. That’ll be effective.

Geez Krissy. How dare you show your strain and inconvenience people. How rude.

I’m having big feelings.

I’m hiding from my neighbors because quite a few are Trump supporters and I just can’t talk to them right this minute or I will scream at the top of my lungs that I hope they die slowly in a lot of pain like they want to cause to minority groups. Not really useful. I’ll get back to useful dialogue. Right this second I have no persuasion or tact or diplomacy in me.

Fuck you and your bigoted actions that have damned millions of people. Fuck you with a fucking chain saw.

I have no patience for fools.