I have 17 firm kid RSVPs for Easter and I know that Noah and my kids have invited people who are not emailing me but who plan to come. I don’t know how many. I said about five more hoping that they haven’t invited more than eight people but I really don’t know.
The kids and I are weeding like mad to shape the plants for ease of hiding eggs. Right now the grass (that I didn’t plant and I don’t want) is growing like a forking jungle because of the rain. It’s good for hiding eggs if I keep it out of the plants I don’t want to choke out. Which requires a lot of hours of very careful weeding.
Oh it’s so fun. What is wrong with me? Why is yanking things out of the ground so god damn satisfying? It just is.
I’m adding plants, because that was always in my plan. I’ve avoided planting close to the house for years because I knew I wanted to paint. Flowers flowers flowers flowers. Oh golly gee my yard is so colorful and wonderful. When I walk around I feel excited. LOOK AT ALL THE COLORS OH MY GOSH THIS IS SO AWESOME.
In non-Easter news… I don’t have all the details yet, but my massage therapist wants me to host a massage party where she and some of her friends come to my house with massage chairs. She says she has done this before and it’s fun. Oh. Hunh. Well, I’ll ask around… Anyone think they might be interested in such a thing? She’s very reasonably priced ($1/minute) and one of the best therapeutic massage therapists I’ve experienced in many years of seriously hunting out body care. She can pick up my nerves and put them back into place so that my arms stop burning. She can do this grab and yank think that causes my back pain to practically go away and that injury happened when I was approximately 9 years old. Being able to make progress on my back issues is really a big deal. She’s fantastic at her job.
Let me know if you might be interested.
She’s the reason I am able to stand erect after all these months of tile work. She’s kind of a miracle worker.
I’m doing a bunch of research on Lamictal and I’m feeling kind of afraid. Yesterday I had a very sore jaw, an upset stomach, and my nose was running like a faucet. All of those are considered common side effects.
Here’s one passage of data about it and pregnancy:
Lamotrigine. The North American Anti-Epileptic Drug Registry indicates that women taking lamotrigine (Lamictal) while pregnant were 24 times as likely as other women to give birth to a child with a cleft lip or cleft palate. In absolute terms, this translates into about one baby born with a cleft lip or palate for every 100 exposed to lamotrigine prenatally. Four other registries, however, have not found an increased risk of cleft lip or cleft palate with this drug. And because lamotrigine protects against depression in bipolar disorder, some experts advise considering it as an option to use during pregnancy.
So it’s not a big pregnancy risk in terms of deformity. But pot doesn’t have any increase in deformity at all. None.
I’m having a lot of mixed, cranky feelings about my med doctor disliking pot as much as she does. She says that she doesn’t want me to use it because there aren’t real studies proving that it works and there aren’t real studies PROVING that it is safer than the other drugs she wants me on. She describes my pot level as being extreme. Bud tenders call me a microdoser. That’s a hilarious combination. Also: it seems to be really common for folks to get up to the same multiple of dosage I use for pot with other psych drugs. So it’s not like her real argument is, “No one should use 20x’s the base dose of any drug.” Her argument is: “You are self selecting when you need more marijuana and obviously you can’t be trusted to evaluate your own needs.”
She doesn’t say that. But that’s what she means. And I’m feeling really cranky. Because you know what pot doesn’t do? It doesn’t increase my god damn stomach pain. It doesn’t make my nose drip. It doesn’t make my jaw ache.
BUT I SHOULD STOP BEING A DIRTY DRUG USER AND START BEING A GOOD COMPLIANT PATIENT, WHAT THE FUCK.
I’m feeling nervous and cranky and irritated because pot helps with: stomach pain, digestion issues, nausea, anxiety, depression, AND pain. Lamictal so far? Uhm… it’s supposed to flatline my emotions more, but it will otherwise have no positive and many negative effects on my body.
Why isn’t she encouraging me to do the thing that increases my quality of life substantially without causing me problems?
I have sadness.
This is what “help” looks like.
Conform and comply with demands to prove that you “trust the system” and you are a good patient. The actual impact of the help upon your life can’t be the measure of success. The measure of success is your compliance with demands.
My body is very medication resistant. I NOW HAVE GOD DAMN GENE TESTS THAT THIS SAME GOD DAMN DOCTOR PERFORMED to know this for a fact. It isn’t my imagination. I’m not making it up. I have to use a substantially higher than average amounts of any medication because my body flushes drugs like whoa. Then I have less positive effect and more side effects. THIS FUCKING WOMAN GAVE ME THE TEST THAT PROVED THAT THIS ISN’T IN MY HEAD IT IS IN MY GOD DAMN GENES.
But the drug that does the most good for me? Oh no! Due to an oppressive drug regime we haven’t Properly Studied It With Science therefore the thousands of years that people have been using it with great effect Just Doesn’t Count.
This is part of why I get so angry about the way people use science as a religion/weapon.
Instead I must use this Pharmaceutical Medication Which Science Invented And Says Is So Awesome. By The Way A White Guy Will Get Rich And Isn’t That Just How The World Should Work?
I’m way the fuck low on pot in my body because she asked me to downgrade my pot usage like whoa so I can feel the Lamictal effect. Also, because it is mildly sedating I’m not supposed to use much pot because of possible driving impact.
So my body feels like absolute shit and I’m so fucking angry I want to punch walls.
I JUST ASKED IF I COULD HAVE MORE ATIVAN FOR OCCASIONAL SLEEP HELP. WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK IS THIS MESS?
I use like 5 Ativan in a 3 month period. My usage of it is very reasonable and appropriate and good. Pot is my primary drug because it is so god damn effective.
Yes, my tolerance climbs fast. IT’S ALMOST LIKE WE KNEW THAT WAS UNAVOIDABLE.
The funny thing is: that website I quoted above with the pregnancy data? That’s prescribing Lamictal for depression which is only a subset of my mental health problems. For anxiety, which is a much much bigger chunk of my mental health problems they recommend Ativan. WHICH IS WHAT I WENT INTO THE DOCTOR ASKING FOR.
Ativan is risky with consistent use, but I use 5 pills in 3 months. I’m not at risk from it. As opposed to a daily pill. And the risk is an additional deformity in 10,000 cases instead of additional cases out of 100 patients.
That doesn’t seem like as big of a risk to me. Looking at the zeroes.
I’m so stupid with how I hate science and reference research constantly.
Oh, the pot also really helps with my ADHD impulsivity. Guess what Lamictal won’t help with?
I don’t understand doctors.