If you prank me, you will be in pain.

I don’t do pranks. They make me hate people. No thanks. I’m precarious enough in my ability to keep my emotions stable.

I fucked something up for this week and I’m trying to stop feeling bad. I tried to do a nice thing. But intentions are shit. I tried to do a nice thing and to the best of my knowledge no one hates me, but I feel bad. I shouldn’t have overstepped my boundaries.

I like surprising people. I like feeling like paying attention to them is a good thing, but reality is that sometimes things are mixed.

I feel bad that I had to email folks and say, “I invited you to a thing. I shouldn’t have. Oh shit.”

I love every single person involved here (and they love me and they are patient with me). But now I have this feeling of collapse because I’m so terrible and thoughtless. No one wants me to collapse. We need to just reschedule a few things and it isn’t the end of the world. I will see all of these people more.

I’m just not scheduling very well at this stage. I feel like I’m in a state of mental collapse. I want to do a whole bunch of things. I feel like I’m basically done with the remodel so continued hesitation about jumping right back into a full life is laziness, right?

Did I mention that all of my health care providers were¬†really happy¬†when I told them I hadn’t finished painting because my body feels like it is completely toast. “Good! You are listening to your body! This is a healthy thing!”

But I’m a loser slacker who can’t fucking close.

I “know” that isn’t true. I’m exhausted and you don’t bounce back from that in a day or two. But I’m struggling with having patience for myself.

Why can’t I take care of people better? Why can’t I be there for them better? Why can’t I help more? Why am I so selfish and self focused? Why do I care about the fact that I want to feel good about myself for offering ____ kind of help but if that isn’t what you want I feel like you don’t want me?

It’s all so messed up.

I don’t think I did something evil. No one else thinks I did something evil (I think) but I feel bad about inviting someone then uninviting them. You are so important to me and I’m sorry I was callous with your feelings.

And then I haven’t scheduled something to replace it yet because I’m afraid I would cry and cry and cry. I’m trying so hard to get back into the swing of socializing and it is very mixed. I’m exhausted.

I have spent a lot of years wondering if I am an extrovert or an introvert. If I don’t spend time with people I get horribly depressed. I need people. But being around them wears me the fuck out. I love you and I wish I could handle being around you all day every day. The reality is I can’t. I’ll flip out.

It isn’t you. It’s me.

You deserve so much better from me.

I feel like a selfish piece of shit. Everything is about me me me.

 

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