fuck. still useless

Every day this week I have thought that I should get up and work. Guess how much I have accomplished? Very little. I’m so tired.

I feel sore as opposed to being in pain. Which I suppose is good.

I don’t know how to not feel butthurt right now. Stupid shit is getting under my skin. I feel so bad and worthless.

My friend who I bought the car for… turns out the car we bought had a busted head gasket. So I loaned her a bunch of additional money on top of already paying more for the car than I had strictly speaking wanted to spend. This is troublesome because it impacts my charity budget. It means I really should give less to other causes/people until I right my budget. So then I feel like a piece of shit selfish white person who isn’t helping because I couldn’t manage my money right.

I don’t have enough to give to feel like I can deserve what I get. My life is so much better than I deserve.

But I’m not meeting some of my long term goals how I want. If I’m not selfish I will fail my family.

My brain feels like Swiss cheese. I’ve been working on this in pieces for hours. That’s ridiculous.