Today was interesting. I walked out of my therapy session 1/3 of the way into it. Then I fired my psychiatrist 8 minutes into our session. What a productive use of driving that far.
I then literally drove somewhere to schedule an appointment with a different kind of therapist. Because I’m me.
Because when someone tells me that my lack of desire to conform to what they want from me is proof that I lack a growth mindset I’ll turn around and look for growth in a different direction. Fuck you. It isn’t that I lack the desire to grow. It is that I believe with every fiber of my being that your Standards of Practice are not the path to health for me.
I think I’m going to have a weird and convoluted path that doesn’t resemble the path other people need. That isn’t because I think I can’t grow. It is because I believe that the things I need are non standard. I believe that a lot of what people need is actively negative for me even though it is awesome for other people. I don’t think that is true because I believe I can’t change. I just don’t think I can be what other people are.
I don’t think that means I am incapable of growth. I think it means I’m going to have a weird as fuck growth pattern.
Communication is a two way street. Sometimes people cannot reach a place of understanding and that doesn’t mean anyone has failed. It means that you don’t have shared language or goals or understanding.
Sometimes miscommunication just is.
I traumatize some people just by existing. I have big issues with medical providers that come from me but is also related to the training and belief structures inculcated during the educational process.
It’s me and it isn’t me.
I’m kinda angry that I had a psychiatrist tell me to my face that I have to try every drug sold because some drug out there will be the miracle that will fix my brain and cause my PTSD to go into remission.
That’s not growth mindset. That’s magical thinking.
You don’t want us to build trust you want me to comply with what you want.
Guess what I don’t spend a lot of time doing?
Yeah. I don’t spend a lot of time complying with what people want just because they want it. It’s kind of a lifestyle choice.
So expect an obscene amount of navel gazing over the next two weeks. I need to spend some time thinking about what I want to work on in therapy. Or I might need a break from therapy for a while. It isn’t that I’m stable. It is that maybe I have exhausted this bag of tricks and I need to find a different bag.
If I didn’t feel this sick anxiety in my stomach about not being done painting I’d be in a much better place right now.
Hahahahaha. Maybe. I’m fucking flipping out. But that’s complicated.
The next few weeks have to unwind some stuff. I just have to.