The internet tells me that first trimester insomnia is very common. Oh, great. A whole bunch of assholes want to give me the advice that I should avoid sleeping during the day to force myself to sleep at night. WHY DON’T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A CHAINSAW, M’KAY? If I can get some sleep during the day I’m going to sleep. I’m going to sleep any time my body says ok. Because during the night time I can’t force myself to get more than 4 hours of sleep. The belief that I will sleep at night if I just stop napping is fallacious, harmful, and really fucking irritating.
According to my fitbit thingy (I’m wearing one so that when an ob/gyn says “You’re fat and you should exercise more to be less fat and you shouldn’t eat so much unhealthy food” I can go back and forth between data sets to point out how their bigotry is incorrect. This is not my first rodeo.
It hurts me emotionally that doctors will look at my pregnant body and go “Wow. You should be on a diet.”
Go fuck yourself with all the chainsaws that have ever been created.
And I’m “only” overweight. I’m not clinically obese. I feel so much sadness for the folks who are dehumanized more than me. You deserve to be treated like a person.
We shouldn’t have to obsessively log what we do and eat in order to be treated like human beings. It’s disgusting.
But given how I’m eating right now? Oh I’ll fight you if you imply I should cut back on calories. In my first pregnancy I was so sick I lost almost 20 lbs in the first trimester and a half. People complimented me a lot. I was so upset. I felt like everyone was cheering about me feeling like death. This is different in every way and I’m not going to put up with folks saying ignorant, rude things this time.
I may go off like a bottle rocket.
I’m working with my kids on the concept of “You don’t ask strangers personal questions without first asking them if it is ok because hello, boundaries.”
I feel like a lot of people never got that lesson. What the fuck.
Do you know what is a fun game I’ve played a few times? When I was going to spend a while sitting next to someone (I don’t wait well) and I noticed that they had an Obvious Feature That People Comment On I started talking about random stuff (temperature in room, number of people waiting, how long it would take) to get folks warmed up to the fact that I’m chatty as shit. After a few minutes of back and forth I lean and ask if it is ok to ask them a personal question. I see a little bit of tenseness appear. Sometimes they say yes and sometimes maybe and sometimes (rarely for some strange reason) no. I lean in and ask, “What is your favorite ice cream?” They laugh. Then we talk about food until we leave having never talked about the Obvious Feature That People Comment On.
I like the smiles that people wear when we part ways.
I used to wish that people would talk to my brother Tommy about something other than “why are you so weird?”
We are all weird if you look closely enough. Weird just means you aren’t used to something yet. Don’t be an asshole.
The more I think about this new baby the more excited I am. Parenting has been the best phase of my life. Is it always easy? No. Things that are always easy aren’t worth that much. I was not looking for convenience in this life. I wasn’t looking to keep my life the same and drag my kids along. I’ve changed everything.
And, despite my recent whining about alienation (which is a feeling), I am in by far the best place I’ve ever been. I’m healthier. I’m more stable. I’m more calm. I haven’t self harmed (despite having the impulse to do so) in a long time. I have bad hormonal weeks, but I even scream less.
It is… strangely comforting to have a professional tell me I am autistic. I have spent my life wishing for routines and I’ve never been able to maintain them for very long for a variety of reasons. It is comforting to know that part of my constant feeling that I just can’t adapt to whatever is being demanded of me this minute is… biological. It is hard for me to just adapt.
I’m not making up this struggle. It’s real.
I am reminded of a former-friend who was diagnosed with autism some years ago. I need to not use this label as an excuse to be an abusive asshole. Autism doesn’t make you an asshole. But some assholes use the label to justify their behavior and that’s not cool.
I will, of course, continue to work on adapting my brain and my behaviors to being more in compliance with being who I want to be. Neuroplasticity for the win. But it is really nice to feel like, “Some pieces of this change will be particularly hard. That’s ok.”
I don’t exactly shy away from hard work.
I just looked at the calendar and realized we really shouldn’t add anything in the next three weeks. It’s overwhelming. Given that I’m getting about 3 hours of sleep a night… I need to lower my expectations of myself right now.
I’m growing a brain, spinal cord, and nervous system. What are you doing with your time?
Pregnancy is so damn neat. I wish that as a species we spent more time marveling at the members of our species who are DUPLICATING THEMSELVES RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. It’s so neat to me.
Wanna know something weird as hell? I have practically no nausea. I’ve been god damn nauseous for most of my life, pregnant or not. I rarely feel good. Also I’m seeing dramatic negative poop response from wheat but without it I’m pooping like a champ. It’s solid, formed–perfect.
Poop is a huge thing in my life, yo.
Poop tells you about your health. My body is less irritated and that’s hella a big deal. I may do my best to cut wheat out this pregnancy. I’m not going gluten free. I’m just… avoiding wheat.
I don’t think it’s the gluten. I don’t know what it is. But I’m tired of burning diarrhea. One day in the past two weeks I had two slices of pizza and scones in the same day. I had burning diarrhea.
I feel like the most shocking part of this pregnancy is being totally turned off sugar. I ate one butter toffee almond yesterday. More would have made me sick. I ate one Dot. I could not eat more to earn money.
Even my tea is less sweet than usual. Sugar feels like poison.
Woo doctor said that we aren’t doing any detoxing any time soon. Just supportive stuff. Mostly I’m going to be increasing my daily consumption of minerals like whoa. Apparently I am depleted.
I think I miss Twitter more than the friend who divorced me last. That feels fucked up. Twitter was available 24/7.