All the hate.

My body feels all the hate for me right now. My body says, “You bitch. You took me to Fresno. Fine, fuck you. I’ll get even with you for DAYS.”

I am, how do we say, uncomfortable. I woke up every hour or so last night to have violent diarrhea as my well cooked carcass tries to evacuate every orifice. I have spent the last 12 hours wondering when not if I will vomit. (Although if I’ve gone this long… maybe I won’t.)

The quinceañera was lovely. It was really special to get to see a little girl I knew growing up be delivered into the next part of her life. White people suck because we don’t have beautiful transitions like this to help our children be ushered into more responsibility. Instead we are the kinds of assholes who spend a lot of time on the phone with high school and college teachers trying to prevent our children from ever taking on responsibility.

I felt a little funny because I haven’t seen this family since we moved away. I was kind of surprised to be invited. There were only two families invited from the home school group we used to hang with.

I studiously maintain: I never came back after the road trip because of pain associated with driving. Only a few people in the group ever heard about drama. I think that is for the best. It is true that after the road trip I could no longer physically handle driving 45 minutes each way to sit in a park when I can walk for 20 minutes and go to a damn park.

It’s kind of nice to be able to say with complete truth: I rarely leave my city more than twice in a month and I mostly leave for medical appointments.

It isn’t that we stay in our house, we don’t. But we stay close by. Our world has shrunk. I like that part a lot. I’m so over driving.

Driving for 6 hours round trip yesterday fucking wrecked me. My hands hurt. My back and neck hurt. I only drove for 2.5 hours. That was too much.

One of my children was on restriction at the party for reasons I won’t discuss. I was quite impressed with how respectful they were about it. They didn’t argue and whine they just observed stated boundaries. Well done.

I don’t think I will be making it to SF for pride today. I feel like warmed up shit. I got almost 4 hours of sleep last night after 2 hours the night before. The sleep deprivation is catching up with me in incredibly painful ways.

I’m losing my ability to digest properly because my body is so exhausted. This doesn’t feel fun. But I seem to still be pregnant and all. This is a tough little parasite.

Today has literally nothing on the calendar. We only get such a day every few months. I may spend it sleeping.