Noah wants me to write about why we need a rule in our M/s contract requiring that I speak to him respectfully. The first and most obvious reason is because I have a tendency to be rude as fuck. I’m selfish. I’m self absorbed. I have explosive emotional reactions to a lot of things and it is a constant struggle not to take that out on the people around me.

A recent conversation with my kid about exploding at “safe people” comes to mind.

The thing is, Noah believes that if he requires respectful speech it will mean that I am respectful in my mind. We’ve spent a lot of time talking over many years about how our marriage can survive a lot of dips and valleys in intensity but it won’t survive contempt.

If I don’t show contempt in my voice will that effectively keep it from my mind/heart? I’m honestly not sure I believe that. Which makes this rule somewhat complicated from where I’m sitting. I’m not saying it is a bad rule, but I’m not sure it is going to do what Noah has stated as his goal for the rule.

I stole Mollena’s rule about how the slave should take care of her own mental/physical well being before anything else. I think I’m still going to be shitty at advocating for myself in a lot of situations. Like the “take one for the team” sex thing. That didn’t take care of my mental or physical well being. I encouraged/allowed a situation that damaged me. For years. I think in part because I’m so used to being damaged that… it’s normal. It is what I expect from life. Isn’t that what I was put on this earth for? I’m a worthless whore who exists so people have someone to abuse so they don’t hurt nice people who deserve to be treated well.

I’m following the rule about only masturbating/orgasming with permission. It’s complicated. I get up to 2 not-asked-for-in-advance-but-I-have-to-notify-him chances to get off when he’s not available to ask. (Like about half an hour ago when he was asleep. Hey Noah, I beat off.) This is mixed for me. I’m at a weird place with my sexuality. I feel helpless and hopeless and like I will never be a person who gets to decide when I feel good in my body. Which is obnoxious because I do have some agency and I have had periods in the past where I went and did what I wanted.

I am supposed to be respectful in both my tone and my facial expression. I kind of feel like this is just telling me that I need to work on my lying. I am required to manifest a level of respect I may or may not feel. Oh.

It isn’t that I haveĀ no respect for Noah. It is that it fluctuates. There are times and places and topics where… I don’t have a lot of respect. I believe for reasons. But shut up.

I used to make people in Master/slave circles really angry when I referred to M/s as a game. It’s totally a fucking game. I don’t care how “real” people think they are.

And I’m supposed to bathe Noah once a week. I like the grooming stuff. That’s fun.

My experiences as a teacher taught me that if you demand a show of respect you haven’t earned… you lose ground in the long game. Which feels complicated in context of my marriage and current attempt at M/s.

Noah has earned respect in a great many areas. Noah has earned kindness and consideration across the board. He’s a ridiculously considerate partner.

But I worry about having more reason to double down on lying.