In the past few years, since having children, multiple people in my body count list have contracted various STDs. Syphilis has appeared multiple times.

Hey folks: if you are anything other than COMPLETELY MONOGAMOUS you need to get tested early and often. If you lie to your doctor about your sexual habits you are endangering yourself and everyone you sleep with. That’s not cool.

I have only a vague understanding that other people are ashamed about their behavior and that’s why they lie about what they are doing. This is odd to me. If I feel ashamed of doing something… I stop doing it. Or I figure out what is fucked up in my moral code and I change that so I’m not ashamed any more.

I don’t think you are bad if you have promiscuous sex. I think there are many reasons people do this, most of them pretty morally neutral.

But when you lie about what you are doing and you place people at risk… that’s different. That’s not about the sex. That’s about not being honest with people you supposedly care about. That is not acting like people matter. That is acting like only your shame matters.

I will be honest and say I am not well equipped to understand why people will hover over their shame and protect it and defend it and make sure it stays entrenched. That baffles the shit out of me.

I talk about the worst shit I do on the open internet where anyone can read it if they so choose. I do not understand hiding in shame.

My experience of hiding with shame is my family. My sister does that. My child raping sister does that. My child raping father did that.

Fuck. Hiding. What. You. Do.

If you aren’t hurting anyone, there is no reason to be ashamed of what you are doing. If you are hurting people with what you are doing STOP IT. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Lying to ongoing partners is not ok. It’s just not. Not volunteering health information to people you intend to fuck again is lying. So I will interpret not being told important health information as someone deciding that they never want to have intimate contact with me again. Ok, that’s fine. I’m a real pain in the ass so I get why trying hard to make sure that door stays open isn’t always worth the effort. That’s legit. I’m not upset about that. No one needs to keep a door open to possibly fucking me again.

But if you don’t want to tell me about what is going on with your health… that’s making a decision. A permanent decision. A decision that decides whether or not I will ever trust you to be honest with me again.

That’s just how life goes.

The funny thing is, I’ve had partners come to me and say “I got a positive result.” My response was, “Well… let’s look at how we have safer sex. We might want to adjust some behaviors.” I didn’t reject them and I didn’t stop having sex with them over it. Shit happens and I love you not your STD status.

4 thoughts on “STDs

  1. Shelly

    Ugh… people suck.

    I just tell my doc I have two boyfriends and every time I ask for testing say that one spot has turned over. She chuckles and orders all the tests.

    I will say it took a while to get her to order *all* the tests I wanted.

  2. Michelle

    so……I struggle with this. Not because of shame. But I struggle with, how much of my medical stuff do I disclose and on what level? My default is to list my STD history, my safe sex practices, and a very general overview of the ways my health issues affect sex (e.g. passing out easily and having limited positions I can handle especially as a top). But immediately when I do that I come up against people’s faulty assumptions.

    This is part of why I decided one night stands just aren’t worth it anymore for me. Did I tell you about the times I have been told “Ohh, I get cold sores but I don’t want herpes.”? And I can try to explain that I have HSV1 not HSV2, but I don’t really want to sleep with a person that says that anyway. Then there’s the people with more detailed knowledge who think I have SuperHerpes or something rather than a Super Shitty Immune System.

    There is so so much misinformation out there, even from doctors.

    Gonorrhea has been in the news lately- there’s a super antibiotic resistant strain going around and that keeps me up at night. I think I will always identify as a polyamorous person but….I am a lot less willing to take risks with my body than when I was younger. On the other hand…it takes a lot of time for me to build up the kind of trust I would need to believe someone that said they were/wanted to be monogamous, and I don’t want to fall in love with someone that I turn out to be sexually incompatible with. :/

    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      It’s all complicated and I don’t think there is a One Twue Way. I’ve had people tell me they “won’t play with viruses” which was… uhm… dehumanizing. People suck.

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