I haven’t been writing much about the evolution of Noah and I talking about sex and dating. That’s for a whole lot of reasons. I don’t want to pressure the situation. I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep. I handled last year tremendously badly on a variety of levels and I can’t absorb another fuck up that big. I’m not saying that I tried and failed so I’ve settled into permanent monogamy and that’s the end of the story. This has not been a good time to push.
Last year blew up for a variety of reasons. I didn’t negotiate for what I needed I reacted terribly to a situation I didn’t otherwise know how to change. I’m not proud and I’m not saying I deserve sympathy. Stuff was happening that I couldn’t cope with and I blew up the boat.
Noah has bigger emotions than he lets on most of the time. I think there was a slow decline in me noticing Noah’s emotions over years. Last year I genuinely didn’t think my actions would hurt him as badly as they did. That was hubris and ignorance and being a selfish asshole.
What does that mean for our future? Well, I can’t have a boy/girl friend.
I don’t think we will be completely monogamous. I think we will go years in between times and people who are ok to sleep with because both of us feel safe.
I think there will permanently be a belief that I have locked down Noah while being overly free myself and… I can’t say that’s completely wrong but it isn’t completely right either. It’s more complicated than that.
When Noah needs a break from being a husband and a father he wants to be alone. When I’m in need of a break I want to go be in relationship to other people so I feel like I have a different role.
That’s part of why I misunderstood pieces of what happened last year. I thought Noah wouldn’t really mind me being gone in the evenings when the kids were going to bed because he wants more alone time than he gets anyway. Only me being on a date is deeply triggering to him. He will sacrifice necessary alone time to go date if I’m paying too much attention to a particular other person.
Which kind of means that I need to sit in my house and Skype with people Noah doesn’t find threatening so Noah can have the alone time he needs without feeling threatened by my behavior. That’s complicated for me.
I want to do kinds of bdsm play Noah doesn’t want to do. That’s going to be rough forever. I want to figure out how to negotiate respectfully with everyone involved to find a way to get some of those needs met without hurting Noah. But if I’m out of his sight I’m hurting him.
I haven’t negotiated with anyone in the last year. I haven’t even hinted at possibilities because I feel so ashamed of leading people on with promises I can’t keep. I don’t know what I’ll be permitted to do in the future. Right this minute very little is possible. I don’t know what will be true in the future.
But Noah has earned the right to have me be considerate of his feelings.