Today’s doctor visits wereย lovely. The pain doctor is going to become my favorite medical provider of all time if he keeps going like this. He’s upset with the psychiatrist I fired last. He thinks it is fucked up (not the word he used) that she did a genetic test on me that showed I wasn’t processing folic acid but she didn’t bother to find out how deficient I am and she didn’t recommend supplementation. Folic acid deficiency can wreck your mood all on its own. And she KNEW I had it but she was way more focused on getting me on heavy psych drugs. He asked me, “Did she know you were trying to get pregnant?” I said, “Yup!” He put his head in his hands and stayed that way for a few seconds.

That right there is enough to make me want to kiss his feet.

He was upset that my shrink is so anti-pot that she told me that 3 hours of sleep is fine. He said he doesn’t want me on anything else for sleep, no sleep aid. BUT USE THE POT. He told me to stop feeling ashamed and medicate how I need to for myself and my baby’s health.

I’m going to be having words with my shrink.

He went through why he believes that pot is the best choice for me. He had specific reasons. He went through other medications that I “could” use and he flat said that he wouldn’t give any of them to a pregnant woman and he’s upset that other people want to. He said, “I know that I have colleagues in the medical field who are not convinced about pot but I am. It is the safest medication we have for your issues.”

He used to be a pharmacist. He can go off on drug side effects all day.

Do you know what he did after going through my test results with me? Order more tests! Because these results mean that he knows which questions to ask next! He won’t be giving me any supplements or treatments till he has a whole cascade of questions answered!

I want to kiss his feet.

He’s starting to outline treatment option possibilities but he’s very clear that he’s not sure where he’s going yet. (I love this man so much.) He is being super specific that there are a bunch of treatments that might be useful that he won’t do till after I give birth. But he’s got a bridge plan to get me there. Stuff to start out with. Gently encourage balancing instead of brute forcing.

I want to kiss his feet.

He told me “Stop listening to people who tell you that pot is wrong. It may be wrong for someone else but it is right for you.”

I feel pathetic that I feel like a drought stricken plant being hit with a nice rain storm.

A doctor isn’t telling me that I’m bad for not wanting to take drugs that make me feel worse. A doctor isn’t shaming me for doing something that helps with my pain and my psychological problems.

And he isn’t pussy footing around and refusing to give me a sleep study and telling me to “Try Zyrtec”.

I feel respected. I feel like this is medical careย for me.

Then I went to my woo nutritionist and said “Noooooooooooooooo mooooooooore pills. Can’t. Nope.”

She said, “That’s fine. We’ll do this and that and you’ll put some in juice and some in a smoothie and you’ll be great.”

Fine. I can do a smoothie a day. I can do a cup of juice with powder in it. Sure. That’s less likely to make me puke.

I am at the point where my body associates meal times with pills so my body is starting to gag as I get hungry in prep for the pill madness. It has to end.

I also spaced out the next appointment so I have time to be less than perfect on dosing all the medication daily. Ahem.

Then I went to the dispensary and noticed that I have gotten my pot consumption down to a practically economical $250/month. I feel I’ve been doing well with two pills a day. I’m relatively stable. (That means I actually spent less than that over the past 6-8 weeks because I’ve been not doing the night pill because I’m ashamed. So this is good.) This is a lower place than my tolerance has been in a very long time. This is great. I’m excited.

I don’t feel good. I’m tired as fuck. But I feel hope. It’s a nice feeling.

I had an interesting conversation with the nurse who drew my blood. We talked about what “healing” the body means in context of developmental trauma. I told her, “What does it even mean to “heal” someone like me who never had periods of normal or good health from birth?” She had never read books about developmental trauma. I recommended several. I told her, “In your job, in this office, a huge percentage of your patients are going to be here for trauma whether they can word it that way or not.”

She blinked slowly and had an intense look on her face. She said, “I’ve never thought about the things you are talking about. I have literally never considered what it does to the body to be traumatized so young. What are those book titles again? I need to write them down so I can read them.”

I feel I did a good thing today.

7 thoughts on “Notes

  1. Pam

    I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you.

    What were the books that you recommended to a newbie just starting to learn about developmental trauma? If you feel like sharing.

    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      I told her that given that she is working with people who have chronic pain she should probably read _The Body Keeps Score_ and _The Body Remembers_.

      We carry our trauma with us forever.

  2. Alison

    This post make me very happy for you. I am glad you probably have found a doctor who will treat you appropriately! I hope he can help find you some solutions. ๐Ÿ™‚ Yay!

  3. RT

    It’s really nice when doctors listen to you and believe you! I’m glad you found a good one.

    I was wondering if you had any research available on the effects of marijuana on the fetus in the first trimester/throughout pregnancy. I have reasons beyond my own nosiness, and will do my own legwork if you don’t have it handy, but thought I’d ask.

    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      Some day I will get in the habit of book marking everything I read. This year is not the year.

      So. The studies are divided. There has been one study that showed some possible correlation between slightly lower birth rate and high marijuana consumption but it has not been duplicated and every other study shows no such correlation. There are some studies (I think 2 or 3?) that show some possibility of later cognitive delays, but there are other studies (probably 2?) that show absolutely no delays at all.

      All of the marijuana research is inconclusive and vague. Mostly what we can tell is, “Nothing catastrophic can be caused by using marijuana.”

      Of course there is speculation that *smoking* marijuana is what influences the low birth rate and there is speculation that the risk is basically removed in other methods of consumption.

      It sure would be nice to be able to do LOTS of studies instead of just a handful.

      This is one of the longest-term, most comprehensive studies that is referenced all the time:

      Shows the lower birth rate (but only for white women):

      And I know there are more recent ones but I’m not going to spend that long on google tonight. Good luck. ๐Ÿ™‚

      (I figured you had a reason to ask. You aren’t one to ask questions unless you have a reason.)

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