I am so excited about going to Alaska that I feel like I can barely breathe. Do you know what a big chunk of my excitement stems from? My friend invited me to come visit.
When I went on the road trip I felt like I was imposing on people. No one invited us. I just said, “I’m coming through your area, want to see us?” Some folks clearly didn’t want to see us but didn’t have the cajones to tell me no. I wish they had. We would have been fine without stopping to see you.
When I go to Portland or Eugene I go because I contact people up there and say “Hey, may I come visit?”
When I go to Disneyland or on a girls-trip with my friends to Hawaii… I invite people. I push for the trips. I ask and ask.
I think the last time I can remember being invited somewhere was Scotland for Jenny’s wedding.
Nope! I was invited to a wedding in New York. By a person who wouldn’t leave their apartment to see me while I was in the city because that was just too strenuous. So I flew to their wedding, was a good audience member, was barely spoken to, then I left. In fact every time I’ve gone to New York City I’ve had the experience of having pretty much everyone I know in the city tell me that they can’t be bothered to leave their apartment and walk a block or two to see me. Every time I’ve been there I’ve left feeling unimportant, degraded, and stupid.
I had this series of thoughts partially because I’ve been feeling really guilty that I’m not reaching out to people more. There is this list of people in my head that I’ve been slacking on contacting and I feel like I’m bad because I’m not reaching out more.
But most of the people on the list of folks that I feel bad for not reaching out to… they never contact me. Some of these people I’ve known for 16, 19 years. They don’t contact me. We are still “friends” because I reach out over and over and over again.
You know what? I think I’m going to start only calling people who have called me recently. If someone hasn’t reached out to me in over a year (or for fuck’s sake over a decade) I think I should stop trying so hard.
This reaching out for people who aren’t that into me is hurting me and I need to stop.