Blurgh

I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of feeling so tired that moving around feels like going uphill through a river of molasses. I’m tired of feeling listless and apathetic.

I miss feeling excitable and full of anticipation. I want to meet this baby, but I’m so fucking tired.

I keep having what I’m thinking of as “anti-nesting” feeling. I want to run away from the bay area so badly. I know I leave on a trip in a few days. It’s not soon enough. It’s not long enough. It’s not even far enough. I want to run and keep running and running and running.

I’m scared of my codependency. I’m scared of the choices I’ve made and who I’ve brought into my life. Running away sounds easier than being a grown up and evolving in place.

But leaving this house sounds traumatic and terrible. This is my only forever home.

I’m looking at real estate and rental properties all over the world. Nothing is as cool as the house I made. *sniff*

I am so conflicted about this house. I didn’t pick it. I didn’t want it. But I made it mine.

I feel like the Disneyland website is my Methadone.  Less than 23 weeks to go. It happens before giving birth so it is a milestone of excitement in the middle of a pregnancy where I am striving to have as little excitement as possible.

Renting a car in Alaska would have cost $700. Oh fuck no. So I’m going to download Lyft and mostly stay in my friend’s house not doing much. I need the rest anyway. There’s a Fred Meyer’s (oh bless Fred Meyer’s!) 1.5 miles from the house and multiple restaurants within a similar distance in the other direction. No trouble. I can walk. I am sturdy. Even if I feel like shit. I ain’t fast but I fucking get there.

It was interesting to have the pain doctor bring up Epstein Barr. I’m not sure what to make of him bringing that up. If it was a periodic recurring thing for me… that would explain these periods when I absolutely sag with being out of energy. I don’t know though. Like right now. My neighbor wants to visit today. I feel so deflated of energy I feel like I could sink through my chair into the sub-flooring.

But I want to travel? I want to go to Disneyland?

I do. It’s weird.

I think I’m going to move slowly and carefully. I think I will only go on a few rides. I will mostly enjoy being around the explosive joy. The last time I was at Disney while pregnant I was kind of resentful. This time I don’t think I will be. I’m ok skipping coasters right now. I just want to watch.

It’s kind of awesome that I know we are quite possibly moving. I won’t buy much.

Methadone. I’m telling you.