Morning fuss

I feel like there are so many different tracks of thought in my brain that the trains are going to collide soon and it will be all bad.

But typing is hurting.

Marriage and being a whore.

Being a good enough mother.

Separation and unity.

Am I really a piece of shit who deserves to lose my kids because I couldn’t get my suicidal thoughts under control before my kids were born? What if my kids don’t know I have those thoughts because I have successfully hidden it with them for nine years and counting? Am I really not allowed to have thoughts I don’t share?

It occurs to me that the contradictions the pain doctor is talking about “You have low markers and high markers at the same time and that’s bad” is part of why most doctors my entire life have had no idea what to do for me. I have the problems that come from being on the low and high end of issues at the same time. How the hell do you treat that?

The vitamin shots make me feel like shit. I hear they are supposed to “fill you with energy” but they fucking fill me with nausea.

I feel like the pain doctor is echoing what the mental health people have been saying to me for decades. “You shouldn’t be alive. Your existence is improbable.” Ok. Fine. But I’m still fucking here.

But why don’t I stop thinking about myself as weird. Wouldn’t it make my life so much better? Yeah. Whatever. I’m sure it would make everything just shiny if I stopped advocating for my weird as fuck body that has unusual reactions to almost everything. Sure yeah. Start treating me like I’m just like the 50%. That’ll solve my problems.

I’m tired of feeling this tired. I feel like I’m sleeping better than normal for me. I was in bed for ten hours last night and I think I woke up three times. That’s not horrible. But I’m soooooooo tired.

I threw up again. Second time this pregnancy. Once per trimester so far. Both times I threw up when a pill hit my gag reflex, it wasn’t nausea.

I cancelled with the woo doctor for this month. If I’ve been taking huge handfuls of vitamin pills for over a year now and my body has no detectable load of vitamins I don’t think it’s worth continuing to pay for the treatment. Especially since the vitamins she has me buy are hella expensive. I’ve been paying $600-$800/month for vitamins. And tests show that my body has no detectable load of vitamins whatsoever. That’s… frustrating.

I’m trying and I’m trying and I’m trying and so many things fail anyway. But if only I’d tryyyyyy.

I think of myself as a really successful failure. I fail all over the damn place in so many ways. But I get up and I keep trying so some of the crazy shit I try works out.

I think it is funny that I’m feeling awash with calm since I fired my therapist. I spent a lot of spoons gearing up for arguments with her about my life choices she didn’t agree with. Towards the end she was on an absolute campaign to get me to stop using pot and get on other medication because her psychiatrist friend believed that was the One Twue Way. I’m glad I fired that psychiatrist. I feel… less pissed off about being judged.

My shrink believed that you could have a “totally close relationship” with someone you talk to once or twice a year and it’s messed up that I want to talk to anyone more often than that. She really didn’t understand my desire to have closer relationships than that and she actively discouraged me. She really wants people to spend most of their time alone. That’s a lifestyle choice that’s fine if you want it. It’s not the One Twue Way to be though.

I don’t think I should be allowed to hold people hostage. I don’t believe I should shove my way into most of my friend’s lives more often than I do. But if I have friends who also want to talk to me as much as  want to talk to them and we prioritize doing so frequently… that’s not wrong. Even if she thought it was. Even if she believes that people should be more “independent” than that.

White Americans are so weird with their “independence”.

When I said that I model my family dynamics on what I have learned from my immigrant friends from other countries my shrink told me that white people can’t do that.

White. People. Can’t. Do. That.

We aren’t allowed to be close and enmeshed. We are required to be isolated islands doing our own thing. I mean, I’m big on creating room for separation within my enmeshments. My kids have individuality and their own stuff to do and their own friends… they aren’t required to be my shadow or exist for my sake. But we spend a lot more time together than is common for folks of our ethnic background. We like it. My nine year old is still actively resisting lots more separation.

I keep offering it…

I ask her all the time if she wants more space from the family. More space for herself. She’s gotten from “NO” to “I can tell I will want that in a few years… but not yet.”

But I’m doing everything wrong by not forcing separation. Right.

Sigh. What is right? What is wrong? Doesn’t it all depend on where you are standing and what your values are and what your goals are?

How could there possibly be One Twue Way?