Grief

I think I’m grieving for a bunch of relationships I thought would last longer than they would. It is resulting in me feeling very prickly about people in general.

I trust that people will stay in my life, out at arm’s length. There are friends where I don’t feel pent up pissiness or bitterness about the fact that we see each other every five years or so. It feels ok.

Then there are the people where it feels like a betrayal.

It depends on how much I felt bonded to someone before they distanced themselves or walked away. I gain too much of my self esteem from people liking me. Having these people change their minds…

It feels like an erasure of any value I might have had.

I know that isn’t “how it works” but it is how it feels.

I’m doing one of those things where I feel drifty and distant and wrong.

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