Lots of musing today

The kids are well set up in their academics and don’t need much from me this moment. This is… not the norm for how things have been going so I’m grateful. Lately they have both needed a lot of intense interaction and so I’ve been doing it. I’m feeling worn out but it’s kind of in a good way. I like the intense teaching.

It’s funny to me that Noah knows I would have a harder life without him but I don’t think he understands how much it isn’t about the day to day stuff he does. It is the listening. We talk about what we do for one another. We both think we are consciously giving so the other doesn’t get sick of us. It’s a system that kind of works for us.

But I get the kids fed without him. I get the house picked up without him. The laundry gets done without him. Sure his help is lovely and awesome and makes my life easier… but I can cope without those kinds of support.

I don’t cope without his feedback on my thinking processes very well. He builds up my self confidence. That’s so much more important.He’s harsh with me about my thinking too. He’s not real big on letting me keep my delusions. The fucker.

It is hilarious to me how many times a day I want to check in on social media. I’m hitting the IMs harder. It’s tricky though because there are only a few people I don’t feel like I’m irritating with IMs. Mostly I worry about bothering people and disrupting their lives so I don’t initiate. I talk to the handful of people who initiate with me at least occasionally. I’m ok with doing like 90% of initiating. If I never get an initial poke… I just hit a point after a few months where I will stop. And maybe never do it again. So I don’t IM with that many people. Thank y’all for your patience with me. I know that I get super wordy sometimes.

I keep having waves of terror about money and I know it’s ridiculous and it’s ok to kind of hate me. We are more in debt than I want to be and I have an existential fear about that. I know that it doesn’t matter because the debt isn’t at a high interest rate and we have far more assets than we have liabilities and… I don’t care. I didn’t want to be this far in the hole at this point. The bathroom remodel… that was such a clusterfuck. The expense…. good grief. I mean… we paid an extra $15,000 for the right to say that we hated working with Future Vision Remodeling Company. That kind of hurts. But it was worth it! And we otherwise went more than $60,000 over what I wanted to spend. That hurts a lot. So I’m way behind on where I wanted to be in debt reduction and I feel like I am letting Noah and my family down. That was my project and I didn’t manage it properly to keep it in budget and I picked bad companies and wasted money and…

I feel guilty. I made us a great bathroom, sure, but I wasted a lot of money in the process and that will put us a year to two years behind where we wanted to be in terms of future security and that adds up over time. That’s a lot of extra money that won’t get invested because I… I was foolish.

I let Noah down. I’m supposed to be responsible for the money and I wasn’t very responsible. I make a lot of mistakes with our finances… usually they don’t hurt this bad.

It feels so bad to be fucking up at this level. That money could have finished funding a college savings account. That could have…

It could have been a lot of kinds of security. It could have paid off my mortgage faster. I fucked up bad.

That’s weighing on my shoulders. I feel irresponsible and like I have proven that I should not be given the responsibility I have to manage money on this scale. My Mint review at the end of the year is going to be fucking embarrassing. This year… Last year… The more money comes in the shittier I am at stemming the flow out.

This year the problem is medical. My medical bills are high. We spend $3,000+ per month on medical and I feel really ashamed of that. I should not be taking so much from my family. But I’m doing this with the hope that I can fix some problems and some year I won’t be so expensive and I won’t be in so much pain so I won’t want to die so much.

I feel really guilty about my ongoing pain. I am getting impatient with myself and my body and I feel like it is really fucking annoying that I can’t just get over it already so that I can stop being such a fucking irritating waste of resources.

I’m doing the best I can. It never feels like good enough. I hurt so fucking much. I really really really should stop typing.

3 thoughts on “Lots of musing today

  1. Michelle

    Oh man i spend a lot of time impatient with my body and feeling like a waste of resources. :/ not a fun feeling.

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