Days when I wake up from sleep crying because I hate myself and I think the world would be a better place if I was dead are not good mornings.
I woke Noah up with my crying. He’s all “What happened?” I’m all “I woke up.”
That’s enough to justify sobbing. What?
I’m feeling intense shame because I feel like I don’t do anything for the world that justifies the resources necessary to keep me alive. It may not help that I saw some medical bills this morning. We are at almost $50,000 spent this year. Because I’m a fuck up with a piece of shit body.
I don’t feel that anything I have to offer in this life is worth what it takes to keep me alive. I am so fucking worthless.
I know I keep having children because that way I am not allowed to die because it would hurt them. But that’s a game. There are 7 billion fucking people on this planet. I’m worth approximately nothing to 100% of them give or take 4.
There is nothing I have to offer, there is nothing I have to give, there is nothing I do that balances out the load of my life.
I hear it is bad for a baby to spend the whole pregnancy crying but I don’t seem to be able to stop and don’t fucking suggest a god damn ssri.
I’m torn between really hoping I have a girl because I came up with the absolutely fucking best girl name and hoping I have a boy because I have wanted a boy for almost two decades.
Depression isn’t the same thing as sadness. It includes a lot of feelings. I feel intense self hatred as one of the dominant features of my depression. I hear that it may spring from internalized perfectionism. I don’t have enough to give; thus I do not deserve life.
For some reason I have internalized that if I am not carrying a relationship and supporting someone then I am nothing.
My baby just woke up. I guess it is time to stop thinking about how much I hate me and instead I need to convince them how much I love them. That’s my job.