Friendship

Noah¬† is gone for the weekend. He is visiting with his two best friends from college. I’m super thrilled for him. The last time the three of them went on a trip like this it was at my initiation because I made Noah schedule it. This time one of his friends suggested it!!!! I’M SO HAPPY.

Noah is a great guy but he isn’t doing a fabulous job of maintaining friendships. He’s doing that guy thing where he hangs with his family and his job and that’s mostly it. I’m glad he has monthly lunch with a group of folks he likes. I’m hoping that running off with the college friends becomes more predictably an annual thing. Noah needs friends.

I insist on my friendships. I prioritize them. I force space in my life for them because I will crumble without them. My friendships keep me ok. Noah is lovely and I’m glad I get to spend the vast majority of my time with him… I need my friends too.

Noah is afraid to talk to his friends about our marriage and ask for support. Because I’m such a shitty wife he is pretty sure anyone who cares about him will tell him to leave me. I feel really sad that a) Noah believes that is the only thing someone could think about me if they¬†really knew about me and b) Noah doesn’t think he deserves such advice and support if it is really the best solution.

If Noah really feels that abused… he shouldn’t be married.

He says he doesn’t. But he also says he can’t tell his friends anything about our marriage or it would go badly. So.

It is hard that Noah genuinely believes he deserves better and that his friends would tell him so if they only knew so he lies about me.

I didn’t mean to grow up and be this bad. But I suppose given my background there isn’t much more that can be expected of someone like me.

It is hard that I tried to use my words and ask for Noah to stop using my cunt as a fleshlight and that didn’t work so I exploded and did my best to cope within the skillset I had and that means I deserve to be abandoned and alone forever. Because I am a bad wife.

I made my bed and I have to lie in it. But sometimes it really isn’t comfy. Oh well. It’s my own fault so I guess it is fitting.

My mama was right. You get married and you have to whore and there isn’t really a choice about it. If you don’t do it how you are supposed to you are a bad wife who does not deserve to be kept. But Noah is suffering through and he doesn’t want to hear that he should dump me. So he doesn’t ask anyone for support in dealing with just how bad of a wife I am.

I’m sorry.

5 thoughts on “Friendship

  1. Pam

    <3
    y'alls can make him call me too. hopefully i'm a decent enough listener in this sitch.
    though i really should call you more often bc i have a lot more grownup stuff to share.
    visitor leaves monday, lots of stuff happn'n tues, you and i should maybe have grownup talks mid week.
    too much going on next few days.
    ack.
    love.

  2. Rachel

    Wait, this isn’t an either/or thing. Mainstream folks tend to view relationships much differently than some of us heretics do, in my experience. Plus there’s even more differences once you get into some other communities we’re in. My husband once told me about his “standard relationship advice” before becoming poly was, “If you’re relationship is bad enough that you thought talking to me about it was a good idea, you need to leave.” and he offered this “advice” to any of his friends who vented to him. Thankfully he matured before we met… but had he not been forced to by having alternative relationships, where he was forced to do better, he probably wouldn’t have.

    Are Noah’s friends a little cream cheesey? I really wonder if the problem isn’t *you* but if, in general, these friends are the types who think that not talking about issues are the same as not actually having them. Any problems that can’t be frosted over necessitate throwing away the cake.

  3. RoseRed

    We like who we like. We love who we love. If our parents sucked we probably won’t be attracted to the healthiest people. However! Two damaged people with mutual attraction and dependency who are desperately committed to raising healthy children and committed to communicating and working through issues that arise; who are trying to reparent themselves via learning and practicing good parenting…, I’m not sure there’s a better option for people like us, Krissy. Perhaps Noah doesn’t have the words to explain that to his cream cheese buddies, or perhaps he has too little faith in Them. If he could convey what it is about you that makes him want to work through every challenge and to make a life together with You, his forever choice, they might understand. Then again, that might mean turning their dude time into selfish “Noah” time. I can see wanting to keep it lighter than that with guys you only see annually.

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