We watch Call the Midwife a lot. It’s a fun show. It explores a lot of interesting topics. Something that comes up is the historical idea of “being ruined” by having sex before marriage.
I was ruined before I hit puberty. My cunt is damaged. It means that I am incapable of being a good wife who says yes every time I’m supposed to. Well, I can avoid saying no and grit my teeth and get through it, but there are consequences.
At some point I will explode and go behave in ways that I’m really not supposed to behave in order to cope.
Because I am ruined and bad.
I’m having a very hard time perceiving any future where I will be anything other than bad and horrible and disgusting and right now it doesn’t feel like a good thing for me to stay alive so I can keep hurting people and being bad.
I haven’t wanted to die this much in a while. It’s really bad.
It’s kind of funny to me that as I list off that I’m a bad wife and I’m a bad friend and I’m a bad person…
In my head I say I’m not a great mother. But I don’t believe I am a bad mother. That’s the one area where I’m kind of pinning my hopes that I can stay just barely on the line of good enough that I shouldn’t die because if I died I would hurt them far more than if I stay alive.
I do not deserve to shuffle my pain onto them and that is what I would do if I killed myself. So I can’t. That’s complicated and hard.
I’m scared that I won’t be as good of a mother to Lightning. I’m scared I’m older and out of patience and in more physical pain.
I would dearly love to spend my morning beating my head in a futile attempt to beat these words out of my head.
I feel like I should cancel what appointments I have with friends because I’m afraid I will say or do something that is going to damage my relationships. I feel so empty and needy and desperate and that makes it very hard to listen and be caring and that means I don’t deserve friends.
I don’t deserve anything but to crawl in a hole and die.