What do I want?

It’s kind of funny talking to Noah about our marriage. Funny because we go round and round. Neither of us have any desire to leave but sometimes I’m really not sure why we want to stay.

What do I want from our marriage? Gosh.

When I call my friends to complain about Noah my friends spend half the time saying, “Yeah that thing is shitty… that’s true… but let’s talk about all the good things.” Jesus fucking Christ my personal god damn therapist was so #teamNoah that even though sex was causing me literal physical pain she told me I should keep putting out because marriage is about compromise and he does so much for me.

I feel like there is no one in Noah’s life who feels that way about our marriage. I feel like Noah doesn’t talk about our marriage much to anyone and when he does it sure isn’t to sing my praises because when we have a problem… where are the chorus of voices telling him that I do so much for him and marriage is about compromise?

Noah didn’t marry someone super high functioning and promising. He married a god damn train wreck. And I have managed to accomplish things in the past 11 years that seem like a fucking miracle to me. I am pretty god damn stable. Yeah I cry and I have mood swings… but I haven’t actually caused a lot of problems and drama in our life. I do my chores. I take care of the kids. I learned how to handle major financial investments because Noah couldn’t handle doing all of it even though the topic gave me panic attacks when we got married. I have been responsible in a way that I honestly didn’t think I would be able to deliver on.

I have even damaged myself for years and years and years trying to meet his need for sex even when our sex life was not working for me at all. I never quit. I never stopped trying. Yeah, eventually I was a giant asshole and I added sex with other people as part of my coping strategies and that blew up mightily in my face. Yeah that sucked. It didn’t help how I wanted it to help. It got ugly.

I have an incredibly high need for social interaction. I am extroverted. I NEED people. And I don’t have a whole lot of opening for that in my life. I mean, I get lots of kid time… but I need grown ups.

I spend the vast majority of my whole life knowing that I can’t talk about 90% of what is in my brain or I am a bad person. I’m very careful what I say and to whom.

I don’t know how to deal with this in the context of our marriage. I used to do a lot of things. I used to be such a social butterfly it was unreal. Renaissance Faires were fun but I can’t do that sort of thing and stay married to Noah. It means so much time away from home and that wouldn’t work out. Dickens Fair… I have no desire to work with my rapist and he’s beloved and popular and I’m not. I tried the home school group for years and that was complicated as fuck and Noah never appreciated the fact that there was emotional fall out from me dealing with large groups of people constantly who weren’t my friends. The bdsm community is late at night, which I’m not physically good at, and it is intensely threatening to Noah. Even if I was capable of behaving more appropriately he wouldn’t be real happy with me going out there to socialize because he knows that I could pick up play and/or sex any day.

It is hard that the only groups Noah particularly wants to hang out in are groups where no one wants to talk to me very much. An incredibly high percentage of the people that Noah would like to spend time with either treat me like I am furniture or they talk down to me because *I* didn’t go to a prestigious school so obviously I’m dirt. And that’s not my imagination. That’s not my rampant paranoia.

My rampant paranoia is that I don’t trust that *my* friends like me. It’s reality that most of Noah’s friends don’t like me.

And that isn’t the end of the world. Noah gets to go on trips with these people. Noah can go have lunch with folks and he does. I don’t lock him in a box. He’s totally allowed to have lots of people in his life who have no use for me. Hell, I booked the god damn trip for him and the kids to Texas so he can go visit his family… who really don’t like me.

I don’t think I try to control Noah’s life and limit him to people who only like me. But I notice that pretty much the vast majority of people that Noah wants to consider friends don’t like me and don’t really support our marriage.

I notice that. That hurts. That feels like Noah must not think our marriage is that great and he probably doesn’t spend a lot of time talking me up to these people.

When he went and saw a therapist she pushed hard for a divorce. We are definitely not talking about our marriage in the same way.

And that makes me feel like only one of us thinks that there is any good in our marriage. Maybe only one of us is getting good from our marriage and that isn’t fair and he should leave.

I want to feel like how hard I have worked to learn stability and to be present and to meet his needs actually has value and I don’t feel like that. I feel like the fact that I finally god damn defended my right to feel pleasure in my cunt means that I deserve to be abandoned as a bad wife.

I didn’t give enough. So I’m worthless and I should go.

I want to feel like me giving my best isn’t such a shit pile.

I want to feel like both of us appreciate our marriage. Instead of poor Noah he married that white trash bitch so now he is suffering, oh poor man.

It doesn’t help that we have ended up in a situation where if I do try to be friendly with people Noah likes that blows up and goes poorly and I’m bad again.

I’m really tired of everything adding up to what a bad wife I am. What incentive do I god damn have for trying harder? I sure as shit won’t end up in a better position that meets more of my needs.

I’m tired of being the designated problem. I’m the one who fucks up and Saint Noah tolerates me.

I want to feel like if I’m not in the mood for sex for a while that isn’t a crime I am perpetrating. I want to feel like it is ok that if we haven’t had a good conversation in a while I DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. I want to feel like the dishes fairy and the laundry fairy who visit our house actually count as balancing the work that Noah does with cooking. He doesn’t god damn do all the chores in our house and I will get in a fight over this topic. I’m really worn out on the narrative that Noah neeeeeeds sex to pay him back for how much he does for me.

Near as I can tell my payback for my half of the work is that I am allowed to claim half the income. How come your half of the work entitles you to sex that hurts me?

How come your half of the work entitles you to everyone thinking you are the best god damn thing since sliced bread and my half of the work means that I’m a piece of shit and you should leave me?

I feel really scared that I am actually that bad. And if I’m that bad after trying this hard… there isn’t really hope I can improve enough.

I’m really sad.

I feel like I know that I have a good partner. I feel sad that I don’t feel like I am a good partner.

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