Something I know I cycle back to every few years is this sense that I don’t belong anywhere. There aren’t any hobbies I feel like I get to identify myself based on them because I don’t count. I barely consider myself part of the bdsm community, I’m not really a dancer, I don’t do reenactment stuff anymore…

I don’t go to parties almost at all. In most social groups I can look around and identify the missing stairs so I just don’t go.


It’s not just the missing stairs though. It’s that I don’t see why people want to know me and I know I’m a lot of trouble. So I feel like the best place for me is at home where people don’t have to see my stupid face.

I need a lot from people. And asking doesn’t go well. Better to just stay home and cope with not getting my needs met in a way where I don’t become the designated problem in a group.