He has all the best qualities

Last night the kids begged to go to the gymnastics “Parents Night Out” event. We had run into a little girl at the museum who goes to the same gymnastics studio… and she homeschools… so of course we will be there! Sure! Let’s make friends! You live in our area!?

So Noah and I got an unexpected date night after he returned from New Orleans. That was lovely. We had dinner then he went with me to my acupuncture appointment. I don’t think he has ever done so before?

I saw a new acupuncturist. Whenever I get through with Noah…. she wants him. She was really into Noah. It was hilarious. She kept talking about how he has all the best qualities. I kept going, “And he _____ as well.” She looked just about dreamy. It was adorable.

She was a fantastic acupuncturist. She picked great spots and she was very soothing and near the end she did what was essentially a lymphatic massage on my hip area that was looooooovely but I’ve never had an acupuncturist do that kind of cross-work before.

She… had a lot of perceptions she felt free to share. Perceptions that require I look at myself and my life in ways that are much more positive than I am willing to see. She latched right on to the fact that I am so into my kids to make up for what I didn’t have. I am being the mother I couldn’t have.

She spent a lot of time talking about how if Noah is so wonderful… that means I had to be equally as good to draw him to me. She was quite adamant and I’m sitting there trying not to do my self-hating dismissal thing.

She commented that I seem very calm and happy for someone who says they have depression and anxiety. I told her that I am a very good liar. I can work a room at a party then duck into the bathroom to sob hysterically and beat my head on the floor then wash my face and go back to the party. Everyone will think I’m great! It is a skill set that kept me alive.

She looked sad.

I’m at this point where I feel guilty talking about what is going on in my head because I know I have a good life. I know Noah is better to me than I deserve.

I had to work really hard last night on not being weird because Noah came home from the conference really happy. Happier than he’s been for a while. I had to talk myself through, “Part of this happiness is that he is glad to be back home with us. It isn’t just that being away from us is so awesome that he can go back to smiling when he’s had enough of a break. But I had to work hard on not crying over that last night. Because my brain sucks.

I believe Noah when he says he had a lot of fun… and he’s ready to be home. But I don’t know how to shake this undercurrent of premonition that he’d pick someone better if he could find them.

Why don’t I draw more comfort from my extroverted, slutty husband not being able to find someone he likes more even though he totally god damn looked? He’s just…. so good. And I feel like I am so bad. And he deserves better than that.

But year after year he keeps picking me.

I really enjoyed the conversation we had last night. We drifted through lots of topics catching up on all the things we saw and did and thought about during the separation. We don’t really communicate much during trips so when we get back together there is this huge dump of information and that’s fun.

It was fun sex too. He really is trying. I’m trying to be better about “not yet”. It is so hard to talk about what I want as it is happening. I’m trying. I wish I didn’t feel so pathetic about being so old and still so bad at this.

My list of things I am shitty at doing doesn’t seem to get shorter.

But I have a husband with all the best qualities so apparently I shouldn’t complain about life.