Empty

A friend sent me an email and pointed out that she thinks a lot of my depression is linked to the pregnancy. I think you are right.

I have so little to give. I don’t have patience. I don’t have energy. I don’t have compassion. I feel full of sadness and empty space. I feel like I can barely walk around and interact and if I hit the slightest road bump in any way I need to just get the fuck out of whatever space I’m in because I am completely incapable of problem solving.

It hurts.

Noah wanted to get up and make breakfast and I almost bawled because I didn’t want him to stop holding me. The kids want a lot of physical contact from me, but it all feels packaged with a demand that I pay attention to them and dote on them and pour energy into making them feel loved.

I feel so empty. I feel unworthy and unloved and unlovable. I know that isn’t “true”. But it is how I feel. And it hurts.

I want to feel like it is ok for me to be weak. I want to feel like it is ok for me to be a failure. But instead I need to suck it the fuck up and figure out how to be stronger. It hurts.

I feel weary and useless. I feel like my list of “I should do” only gets longer by the day and I will never manage to be effective at making progress on any of it.

I have all these people in my head that I keep on a list. I should contact them approximately every x weeks so that the relationship doesn’t fall down. I am not maintaining almost any of that right now. Which means that because I’m not reaching out all of those relationships are disintegrating. It feels like my fault and it feels like I should take the hint that these people weren’t into me in the first place.

I feel like everything is about me being bad and if only I weren’t here there wouldn’t be so damn many problems.

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