I’m about to talk to Jenny and I don’t want to spend the whole time being a self absorbed twat waffle so I’ll talk about myself here first and then hopefully I’ll be a better listener. It takes coaxing and patience to get her to take her full share of talking time and if I’m feeling self obsessed that’s hard.
God I’m having such a hard time listening lately. I feel overwhelmed by the intensity of being inside my body and my brain. I feel like I can’t bear it by myself. And I know that isn’t ok. I know that wanting other people to carry around pieces of me for me because I can’t bear the load isn’t right. It’s codependent or inappropriate or needy or something bad.
Being inside of me all day every day is so hard. And I feel like I understand why that is challenging for people to be around.
I share the best parts of me with my kids. The very best I have to offer this life in terms of patience and giving and love. And they wear me all the way the fuck out. I sometimes feel like I get to the end of the day and there is no room left inside me for good feelings for myself. I gave everything good I had away and all I’m left with is the bad.
And I have this super strong internalized sense that sharing the bad parts with other people makes me horrible. I am a monster. I’ve had therapists tell me that I’m far too damaged to ever talk about my life in front of people–it is abusive.
Therapists are authority figures. It’s complicated and dangerous.
I am abusive if I share the parts of me that are the hardest to carry all by myself.
I mean… I get that there have to be boundaries around it. My kids don’t know what has happened to me. They know that sometimes I cry because a long time ago bad things happened and my body stored bad feelings.
Am I really never allowed to talk to consenting adults without abusing them? Shit lady I don’t want to know what you think of me beating my friends until they bleed. I make them ask me nicely first…
And so I’m left in this situation where if I talk about the things that are hardest for me to carry alone I am an abusive bully. I am only supposed to talk about things that are appropriate for other people. Whatever that may be.
So instead I drop it into the void. Where if you read it is your own fucking fault motherfucker. I’m not allowed to get out of my head. You don’t have to be here.
I mean, you are welcome.
But if you choose to be here I am not abusing you by existing and talking about myself.
There have to be some fucking boundaries in this world that work in my favor.