So I’ve been taking the proton pump inhibitors to help with acid reflux. As I predicted, within a week their efficacy had dropped dramatically. At almost two weeks of use the ’12 hour formula’ lasts about 4 hours before I’m right back to burning acid. When I run out of this box of pills I’m just going to quit. Ice cream is just as fucking effective and will have fewer long-term consequences.
I’m exhausted and weary and I have nothing to give. My cousin is texting me about her dog dying and she thinks she had a miscarriage last week and she wants love and support. I told her I am too tired to have feelings. I am literally not capable of emoting for you.
I walked almost 4 miles yesterday and today I feel like death.
I’m getting to the point where I’m gasping for breath a lot of the day.
Sleeping is getting hard again. I had like a week or three that were great and now it’s sucking again.
I’m not responding to emails. I’m not caught up on mint and I don’t know when I will get caught up. I’m failing at a lot of chores. I feel so bad. I didn’t manage to get the stupid Christmas tree out for recycling on the day we could put it out whole. Now I’ll have to cut the bitch apart. That doesn’t sound like fun.
I am feeling pathetic and insecure about the curve of my life and the mistakes that I make.
I’m still scared of giving birth. A c-section that would be over in an hour is sounding…. so much less traumatic.
I told my cousin that for a while I’m going to need to be selfish and not focus on her at all because I’m 5-6 weeks away from repeating an experience that almost killed me last time. If I focus on her and use up the store of energy I have… that might mean I’m not here next year and I just can’t make that choice right now.
I’m feeling really scared.
For a while I felt like the baby shifted and was in a better position. Now the baby is digging into that same spot on my ribs again and I’m not sure. I go in for an ultrasound tomorrow and I’ll find out.
“Reach out and ask for help” uhhh… no. I’d rather slice myself to ribbons in the bathroom.
I want to hide in the closet until Valentine’s.
I feel like I’m scared and lonely and I want to talk to people and I absolutely do not want to talk to anyone because I’m self involved and terrible and I have nothing to give and if I have nothing to give then I’m a disgusting user and I should die.
I don’t know how this got so bad so quickly already again.