I feel like a lot of my adult life has focused in some intense ways on trying to determine how to accurately perceive reality. This is complicated because people genuinely do inhabit different realities.
The reality of being a homeless person is different than the reality of a rich, housed person. It’s not that the people are just perceiving things differently… they are different realities.
I have jumped so many layers of human existence that sometimes it is very hard to determine what is a holdover perception, what is a true perception, and what is entirely in my fucking head.
Like… I have struggled through a lot of my pregnancy with the feeling of being abandoned. As my wonderful friends have checked up on me consistently and made sure that I was never alone for long.
Some days I sort of wish the flow of love would slow down because I’m overwhelmed trying to get back to people and some days I fail at reciprocating how I mean to. Because I feel so empty. THAT’S NOT ABOUT PEOPLE ABANDONING ME! That’s about an old belief and being out of date. I have not been abandoned this pregnancy. Not even for a day.
That’s true. I haven’t talked to the same people every day. I don’t have a mother who is constantly checking up on me because she is concerned. Instead I have this extended web of people who are tagging in and out as they have spoons for dealing with me.
Oh. That’s really special.
I am so tremendously, overwhelmingly lucky. This doesn’t happen to everyone.
Randomly: given that I almost certainly know you, oh bond-hardware visitor… someday I will find out who you are. And I am going to be a turkey butt about teasing you about your lack of desire to fess up to your identity for years. I’m just saying.
Also randomly: I am feeling so proud of myself for how I handled the kids lying about screen stuff. I didn’t fly of the handle. I didn’t escalate in a nasty or inappropriate way. I didn’t scream. I am not imposing ridiculous consequences or causing my children to be afraid of me. I kept my shit together and told them I wasn’t ready to state a consequence immediately because I needed to think about it. I stated very reasonable, age appropriate consequences. My kids feel like the punishment fits the crime and they are totally on board with what they earned.
We are all going to fuck up sometimes. What did we learn from this experience? That they are capable of lying to me for an extended period of time (this is an important life skill) and that lying to me makes their stomach hurt a lot so they don’t want to do it again for something petty. That’s such a win-win.
I don’t love being lied to. It pisses me off. But I fully recognize that it is better for my children in the long run for them to be capable of lying.
Not everything is about me. They need to have skills I won’t love them having. That is life.
And I’m super happy that MC did not rat on EC. That feels like a big deal too. Often MC will throw EC under a bus just to see her squirm and I really have a problem with that. MC likes watching EC get in trouble and that pisses me off so much. I’m really happy that MC picked their sister’s side this time. That was good.
Even if I don’t like what they did I can recognize the layers of complexity and complication and I can see how some pieces of it are awesome even if I’m pissed about other layers. Life is so tricky.
Our wonderful friend is here for child care. She moved in last night and she’s here until the baby is here. I feel a tremendous load of stress relief.
This whole experience is going so freaking well. I feel supported. I feel loved. I feel like an awful lot of people have more confidence in me than I have in myself. Excellent. I can work with that. I am good at borrowing other peoples confidence in me.
After having the almost manic preparation days I am so thrilled to feel this calm. I feel like it’s going to be ok. I am looking forward to my OB check this morning. I’m pretty sure she is going to tell me that there has been progress.
The way my crotch hurts feels useful. Which is so funny. And this contraction… feels useful too. Phew. Ouch. Ok. Time to go pay attention to humans.