Today I went to the hospital for an interview. They wanted to know what I wanted from labor. It was an hour long interview so there were more questions. But I was asked what my goal was for labor. I said “No one dying.” The lady conducting the interview almost fell out of her chair. She enjoyed my irreverence over all.
She asked me if I’d ever had thoughts of hurting myself. I said, “Ok let me start my spiel. I have long-term chronic suicidal ideation but I am not in imminent danger and I have no specific plans to hurt myself.”
She commented that I know the right words to say.
This ain’t my first rodeo.
I’ve been rewatching the Jaws series and The Godfather. I guess this is my week for violent grown up movies. Who are you. Where do you belong? What does it mean to be you?
How much does what your parents want for you matter?
Do your children belong to you or your spouse?
What is belonging?
Does it matter what your name is? What art you want to hang on the wall? Who you hang out with?
What defines who you are?
Who. Are. You.?
How much of who you are rests on your ability to control yourself through stimuli or pain or whatever?
If you can stand still as someone hits you, does that make you tough?
If you define yourself…. what does that mean?
Who. Are. You.
Do you rest upon the shattered dreams of everyone who looks like you or shares your religion or who had grandparents born within 100 miles of your grandparents?
What is safety? What is security?