Category Archives: it’s not happening

Small is fine.

Noah, Shanna, Calli and I spent the morning talking about our upcoming Disney cruise.

I have a surreally privileged life.

All three of them need to update their passports. I’m good for six more years.

Shanna will be Noah’s Best Person. We negotiated for a while about a tux and how sharp Shanna would look. She’s contemplating. Calli wants to be my Best Person. I think that sounds divine.

We think red and blue will be the colors. Outfits maybe kinda sorta Dickens-costume-like so they can be multi-purpose.

It doesn’t really matter if anyone else likes it. Jenny has said she will try to bring her family. I’m barely close to counting on that because Jenny doesn’t bluff. Outside of that I’m not sure that we will have more guests. I don’t think anyone else will be up for paying for it. And it interferes with school.

(But going this week is way the heck cheaper than going during the actual summer break season. And this is our real anniversary. Small is fine.)

I talked to Disney. We are booked for a vow renewal. We have our cruise line details. I’ll talk to a wedding coordinator this week.

We’ve paid deposits. (And insurance in case of cancellation because whoa.)

If Jenny ends up not being able to go I will recover. I’ll be sad and disappointed, but I’ll recover. It’s ridiculously expensive. It is not ok to expect people to hemorrhage that kind of money to prove their love. I do not expect anyone to come with us.

No matter what the four of us are going to have a very good time. I’m very glad I get to hang out with them.

It is weird finding out what living in the walled garden is like. This is what the protected, safe, security feels like. I may not have hoards of people but I have safety, love, and so much privilege.

I feel kind of ashamed of myself for spending this much money like this. I could pay down my mortgage. I could remodel my house. I could donate it to people who actually fucking need the money. Instead I will be a selfish piece of shit and go play on a Disney cruise with my family for my 10th anniversary because I really want to. We will have a lot of fun together.

It will be very relaxing and snuggly and loving.

I even got us a veranda. So we can wake up in the morning and sit outside in our PJs on our veranda above the ocean.

Because we can. Because why not? Because it’s wasteful. Everything is wasteful. I want to. I’m selfish. I’m going to.

It will be so much fun.

You just know that Noah and I will be having sex on that veranda. It’s a way of having semi-privacy on a boat.

That will be fun.

Noah wants to do this. He’s been poking at me for a while. It’s funny that he wants to do it… but really he wants me to do it. It’s not like he’s going to handle details beyond what I force him to handle.

You know what? He’s busy earning the money to fund it. I can be uhm magnanimous about the time division here. Ahem.

Noah treats me like a very expensive pet. It’s both lovely and weird.

I like it.


head hurts.

On days when I don’t feel well I dream of Disney vacations. I have read research saying that planning for trips generally gives you most of the joy that the trip would give you.

I’m pretty sure I’m not going to let Noah talk me into anything huge for the ten year anniversary. But if anyone wanted to go on a Disney Cruise with us… maybe? I’m going to make my plans with the assumption that it will be just the four of us.

On a different note.

Today I was facebook stalking an old friend.  This friend is a shaman and I was looking through picture of a wedding where said person performed the ceremony.  How’s that for awkward non-pronouning.

Noah claims we are going to have a wedding for our tenth anniversary.  I don’t believe him.  Want to know one of the secret reasons I eloped?  I have wanted to have a big fancy wedding my whole life and there aren’t enough people in the world who love me to justify one.  I really wish there were hundreds of people who wanted to come to such a celebration about me.  But there aren’t.  And that’s life.

Anyway.  Noah says he is doing this.  I don’t believe him.  I’m not allowed to believe in this before it is happening because this not happening would wreck me.  If he continues to say that he will do this… and he doesn’t do it… that will be massive.  That will kill me trusting him.  That will kill any chance he ever has again of making me a promise.  So I don’t believe him when he says this.  He’s lying.  He’s telling a story.  He’s building a sand castle.

That kind of thing isn’t part of my story.  I don’t get to be that person.  That only gets to happen to nice people.  People who have friends.  People who are not stupid creepy shut-ins.  People who are not broken.  People who have families.  People who do not behave badly in public.  People who do not bring shame on their family.

I was thinking about this because, if I was going to have such an event.  Who would perform the ceremony?  Who would I trust to do that for me.  Who could be the promise keeper for my relationship.  Who actually has such power in my life?  I don’t know.

It’s complicated.  It’s a good thing I don’t believe that it will happen.  That would be an intense thing to have to decide.