Category Archives: on phone

Don’t stop

EC and I were talking about the way I stare at her. I notice everything. I told her that I know it is annoying sometimes and she nodded emphatically. “YES.”

I asked her if she wanted me to stop.

She melted and said, “no. It makes me feel so awesome.”

I love you. I’m glad it feels awesome to you.

Totally unreasonable

my psychiatrist wants me to start writing advice to myself as if I were a separate person. She notices that I calm down fine when I stop thinking about me and I focus on someone else feeling distress.

Maybe.

Also: I now have results from the gene test. No shit I don’t metabolize most drugs well. Yup.

I’m hungry and whiny and stuck in the car.

I’m not very good at being hungry. When I am hungry it is a lot easier to tap into messages about how undeserving I am. I have some weird messages about food. I definitely feel like I am bad for a lot of the food I like.

Wanting food is also tied up with money stuff. Invariably what I can make at home feels like a shitty substitute for real food. I’m not even sure what real food is. Something that doesn’t feel like crappy ingredients dumped on a plate.

I’m hungry and that feeling is just about the only kind of hurting myself I can still get away with. It’s invisible if I keep my mouth shut. The trouble is keeping my mouth shut. Today I feel like I am bad and terrible. I will be left out from now on because of that damn anger I can’t get rid of.

And it is all tied up with food. Food is love, right? And I’m not very deserving of love.