my new computer won’t power on and my old laptop is in the shop for repairs. I won’t post much for a few days.
EC and I were talking about the way I stare at her. I notice everything. I told her that I know it is annoying sometimes and she nodded emphatically. “YES.”
I asked her if she wanted me to stop.
She melted and said, “no. It makes me feel so awesome.”
I love you. I’m glad it feels awesome to you.
my psychiatrist wants me to start writing advice to myself as if I were a separate person. She notices that I calm down fine when I stop thinking about me and I focus on someone else feeling distress.
Also: I now have results from the gene test. No shit I don’t metabolize most drugs well. Yup.
I’m an ungrateful brat. P came over for dinner Wednesday.
I’m not very good at being hungry. When I am hungry it is a lot easier to tap into messages about how undeserving I am. I have some weird messages about food. I definitely feel like I am bad for a lot of the food I like.
Wanting food is also tied up with money stuff. Invariably what I can make at home feels like a shitty substitute for real food. I’m not even sure what real food is. Something that doesn’t feel like crappy ingredients dumped on a plate.
I’m hungry and that feeling is just about the only kind of hurting myself I can still get away with. It’s invisible if I keep my mouth shut. The trouble is keeping my mouth shut. Today I feel like I am bad and terrible. I will be left out from now on because of that damn anger I can’t get rid of.
And it is all tied up with food. Food is love, right? And I’m not very deserving of love.