My son is a fiction writer. He has more followers than I do and I think that is super cool. He writes about children experiencing violent, traumatic things. People ask him on a regular basis if he is a highly traumatised person. He says no, but his parents are both highly traumatised autistics who developed a hyperfixation on social interactions in order to survive. He says an awful lot of his characters are me with some changes; his stories are basically him trying to give me a better outcome. I have feelings about this.

We talk about our family values a lot. People are not disposable. People can fuck up in horrifying ways and still deserve a second chance. People do not deserve third or fourth chances. Doing something horrifyingly bad one time can be a mistake. Repeating it is a choice. I appall people online sometimes when I talk about rape possibly being a mistake if it happens once and once only. I believe it, though. Society has the right to protect itself from serial predators.

He says that he appreciates that I have not forbidden him from doing almost anything in his life. I will, however, talk shit about stuff he is doing and explain in great detail why I don’t like it or respect the lessons that are being taught. This is funny to me because he is quick to tell his siblings that they can’t watch some YouTube people because they are bad influences. He is very much pro-authority in ways that I find odd.

I love that my kid is finding solace in acting and poetry. They are finding a slightly different path through coping. I deeply appreciate the way they tell me that being with me is when they feel most comfortable and safe. They are my adventure buddy. They love hiking and going on bike-camping trips with me. We have a fascinating push-pull dynamic when we are under stress. We are both getting really good about going, “YOU ARE SUPER FUCKING CRANKY. PUT FOOD IN YOUR MOUTH. NOW.” I love that they are so much like me. I love that they believe their life has been really good largely because they have had parents who have been ok with them following their own path. They struggle with mutism when they are overwhelmed in public environments. They have tremendous sensory challenges. I have spent over 10 years largely structuring our home environment around their sensory needs. It heals something in me to be able to do this for them.

I think I am going to push them into going into a school program next year at the local college. They should go do a drama qualification. It would be very good for them on a variety of levels. It will be like when I did Middle College instead of finishing high school. They would love to be around people more but the high cost of being autistic is too high to pay for regular school. It’s pretty striking to me that people around here really accept getting beaten as the cost of attending school if you are autistic. Fuck that shit. Fuck off into the sun. It is different once folks are adults. They will probably be the youngest person in the program at the college but that’s ok. They thrive around adults.

My daughter has had a year. She has a couple of things she is doing that are driving me nuts. She’s weird about food. I don’t even want to explain all of it because I kind of hope I mostly forget this part. She’s in a rough phase. Phases end and should not be held against someone in a long term way. I appreciate how much she adores me. I adore her, too. We talk a lot about how I can have lots of feelings all at once. I can love her bigger than the whole sky and still think that something she is doing is super annoying and rude. More than one thing can be true. I love that all of my children, when below the age of 10, have preferred to sleep clinging to me.

I love that my babies want me and love me and like me so much. I have worked really hard at being the mom they deserve.

I am scared of the future. I am glad I have these three people to face it with. Being there for them has given me purpose and drive and motivation. I feel so incredibly lucky that we all like each other so much. It doesn’t always go that way with parents and children. I am blessed.