It’s a lot harder to figure out my feelings without Noah to talk to. I used to dump thousands of words on his lap and he’d sort them out and figure out what I was really trying to say. I am doing some of that with Gentleman but mostly he stares at me with big eyes waiting. Sometimes he asks questions. Rarely there is a comment. Then I start crying and he hugs me. It’s different. It’s good. I’m not complaining in any way shape or form. It’s really helpful at this stage.

There are things I’m going to have to sort on my own though. He can’t be handed all of my thoughts so that he can explain them to me. He hasn’t studied me for decades. That’s not a reasonable expectation. The hugging is good.

I try hard to be fair about the fact that a given behaviour isn’t necessarily a red flag for all people. It might be yellow or even green for someone else. There are things that I should pay a lot of attention to. I have a limited amount of precious time in this life. There are specific things that are going to be a problem for me. It’s good for me to think of them very specifically.

I can’t have lovers or friends or play partners who spend a lot of time negatively judging me as a parent without knowing my children. If someone watches me parent and thinks I’m doing something wrong I am shockingly willing to discuss my methodology. I fucking promise that I have put more thought into everything I do as a parent than almost everyone (or possibly literally everyone) you have ever met. I can tell you why I’m doing everything I’m doing. I have a motive, a method, and I can break down which theorists I am basing my principles on. I studied child development and education for 10 years before having kids. I was in therapy for over 20 years before I had kids. I did a lot to prepare for this gig. If you are in my house watching and you think I am doing something poorly, uhm sure. Share your feelings. If you aren’t in my house, and especially if you have never been in my house I don’t actually want to hear your opinion. I don’t. You don’t get to evaluate me. You have never watched me work. You don’t have anything to base your opinion on. It’s worthless. Don’t share it. There are reasons I get my kids in front of professionals for evaluation on a regular basis to see if I’m fucking up. I’m scared as hell I’m not going to do as well as these people need. I don’t need to have a relationship with someone who is going to run their mouth and insult me as a mother.

I struggle with feeling like I am judged on a large scale basis. I make a lot of unconventional life choices. I am different. People let me know that there is something wrong with me on a regular basis. It’s always weird how they think I don’t know that I’m different from them. They have to tell me. I’m existing wrong. If you want to tell me that you don’t like what I’m doing that’s fine. If you need to tell me how much other people don’t like what I’m doing then I have an issue. That’s not your place. Who the fuck elected you the speaker for the choir? I don’t recall any time when you would have been in a room with the people you are presuming to speak for. How in the fuck do you know their opinions?

If I am trying to explain the ways that my disabled ass is FUCKING DISABLED I am not going to be super patient if you tell me that everyone has to triage and I should get a notepad to help me remember things. Implying that I should take a biscuit and a coffee and get back to work is not going to be something I respond well to. I’m just fucking saying. That kind of implication is going to mean that I need to treat you as an active hostile force. Your advice could severely damage me. Your demands could cause me to harm myself in a way that harms my life. That’s not ok. That’s asking too much. That is not showing any respect for me at all.

Yeah, I am a picky bitch. I am fucking demanding. I need to be seen. I need to only have relationships with people who can fucking remember that they can’t have standard expectations for me. I’m not saying your standards for me always need to be low. Sometimes I’m pretty great. Just not in every way and not on bad days. Telling me to eat a fucking biscuit and get back to work is callous and destructive and hostile but oh you didn’t mean it that way. I’m over reacting.

I’ve played this game before. I know how this one goes.

Combine all that with the comments about obesity…

I think that’s a mast full of red flags. I think that’s incompatibility. If the first time you get upset and feel neglected you read me for filth I need to walk on. You deserve someone who can pay attention to you all day every day. I deserve someone who won’t make me cry and feel shitty about myself.

“Date a queer,” they said. “It’ll be better,” they said. “It’s way less work and way more reward to date someone who isn’t a cis het white guy” they said.

I dinno. Maybe mileage can vary.

It’s ok for us to each have deal breakers. Fatphobia isn’t something I want in my life. If you make those kinds of comments I don’t think I can be in a room with you on purpose for any kind of intimacy. If you make scathing comments about how impossible it is to have sex with someone who is obese I think you are a terrible lover and probably not a great person.

I have to think very carefully about who I bring into my house. I need to think about what kinds of off hand comments they are going to make. What kinds of jokes will spring out? Is there a tendency towards demeaning people or shaming them when there is a disagreement or rupture? These are things I do not allow in my home. If you do them you can walk the fuck out. My kids simply are not allowed. You can have an argument or disagreement without demeaning or shaming anyone. We do it all the fucking time. I know it is possible.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

This is why I don’t say I will show up very often. I will come when I can and it won’t be much. If that’s not good enough for a relationship with you no hard feelings. I am one of those selfish asshole breeders and my life revolves around my kids. It’s going to stay true. Implications that I am doing this wrong are not going to win you points. If I feel sad and upset and shaky after interactions that is bad for my day job.

I can only have net positive relationship right now, fair or not. I don’t need anyone to be perfect but hoo boy. That’s a lot of flags.