Pay It Forward : I will send a handmade gift to the first 3 people who leave a comment here on my LJ. I don’t know what that gift will be yet, but you will receive it within 365 days of this post.
The only thing you have to do in return is “pay it forward” by making a similar agreement on your blog.
P.S. if you have already posted this Meme in your blog than you have to choose the next 3 people who responded to your original post and send them a handmade gift too. 😛
I’m in my classroom. It’s still messy and unsettled but beginning to take shape. I have this whole week to figure out my year plans (ok, remind myself of the Junior plan and create the Sophomore plan) and get copies done for the first couple of weeks of school.
And of course I get to hear the oh-so-fabulous drum line over and over. It’s strangely comforting. 🙂
It’s kind of strange. On one hand I’m nervous because last year was so absolutely amazing and difficult; can I duplicate, or even better–improve the amazing? I’m taking down the enormous American flag from the corner of one wall because honestly it doesn’t help create the visual appearance I want my classroom to have. It feels trite.
No more procrastination. (Yay new teaching icons!)
– Having to express boundaries in a way that is hard for me to say and hard for others to hear.
+ Expressing anxiety and concern and being heard and supported in totally unexpected ways.
– Allowing anxiety to turn my stomach into an acid pit for weeks.
+ Talking about anxieties with wonderful fabulous people who will support me no matter what.
+ Reading many fabulous books this summer.
+ Painting my house and making it feel more like my home allowing me to banish many of the ghosts that have been here for me.
+ Banishing the ghosts from the past making it more comfortable for other people to be here too.
– Playing phone tag with amazing people and not getting to really connect.
– Missing some of the people I love so much I feel like I drown in it.
+ Being social and getting to see wonderful people.
+ Having a friend buy me a corset!!! (I swear! Pictures soon!!)
+ More work done on my tattoo. Most of it wasn’t so bad. Then we moved to an area that wasn’t numb. That sucked ass through a straw.
– Finding out that my tattoo artist wants to move out of state in February so my tattoo has to be finished before I get pregnant. So uhm, I’m going again before this even has a chance to heal because we have to finish, damnit.
+ Good conversations with people about how size plays into perception of beauty. I really am fascinated by how people perceive size and beauty and how they are related and not. I love that my friends trust me enough to talk to me about this very touchy subject.
+ Plans coming up with people I rarely get to see. There are people in my life I think of as ‘watchers.’ They aren’t really close friends because I hardly ever see them and we do very little with one another in ways that seriously overlap our lives. Yet, I love them and trust them for no obvious reason. Once or twice a year we get together and catch up on all the small and big and good and bad and I feel truly seen. I really appreciate these people and the perspective they give my life. I’m seeing one of them tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to it. I also get to see some people in the next few weeks whom I think of as friends but who aren’t close, yet.
+ Running into my sophomore English teacher at Avenue Q and having him ask me to get together to work on curriculum. That is so incredibly validating! Yay! He is one of the teachers I liked the most through the years.
+ Almost done with all the books I need to read for 2A. This is pretty neat. I still am not sure how I want to put it all together though. One more week!
– Not sleeping well or much. This needs to change pronto.
+ Found some really cute wrap skirts on the Haight. They don’t care if I am chunky or thin. 🙂 Yay for versatility!
+ My back hurts less in the aftermath of tattooing than it used to. I’m a little stiff and sore, but really not bad.
+ Still have the best husband ever. Understanding, compassionate, fun, supportive, and totally sexy.
Mostly though, I know I’ve been whining and vague and depressed and upset and … blah for a bit now. Thank you to the people who have reached out. I notice. Thank you for the support and love. I see it and I’m grateful.
Distressed seems to have been the word for last week. I manage to tie myself up in nasty knots when I’m worrying about what exactly might happen in dealing with people. It doesn’t help when one of the people-dealings goes about as badly as I expect. It really helps when one of the people-dealings goes so well I nearly cry in gratitute that someone understands and is compassionate about where I am coming from. I never really expect that.
Now I am enjoying lovely visits with and . Much yay.
I need more sleep though. I feel owie with not-sleeping. Soon I will feel owie from thousands of needles poking me. As if I need more pain in my life. (I really want the tattoo done though.)
Contrary. I’m contrary. From as long as I can remember all I need is a challenge and then I can accomplish most anything. So while I know I need to grieve I also know that I will be ok. Being ok will be rapidly pushed along because I was told I wouldn’t be ok. Given my life and the things I have been ok after I know that this won’t knock me down for long. I will miss the closeness I ached to have. I will find a family that will choose me. I will find a way to feel safe and secure in all of the things I actually have instead of wishing for things that I can’t have. I know that my definition of family isn’t a universal definition, but I’m ok with that. Last I checked not much about my view of the world was universal.
It’s hard and I don’t pretend otherwise, but having standards and strong opinions is just like that. It’s still worth the effort and hardship.
One more hour until another hard thing. Today has to go better than yesterday–there isn’t much of a way for it to be worse. Please God, let me have the ability to say the things I need to say in a clear and effective voice.
Freakin out. Hard day next to hard day next to hard day. I need for tomorrow to be over already. My stomach hurts. I sometimes think the best thing I could do for myself would be to sew my lips shut, break all of my fingers, and never leave the house again. Then I would never have to deal with people again. I didn’t cry in front of anyone. I got out in time.
When I talk to kids who are really depressed (and I get a lot of them) I tell them: sometimes I get through days just keeping my head down and crying and waiting for today to be over. Tomorrow might be better. If I know tomorrow won’t be better, eventually things will get better because that is how life goes. Sometimes it takes a while and that sucks so bad when it takes a while, but eventually things have to get better.
Today I keep my head down. Today I cry. Today my stomach hurts enough to make me puke. So I just wait for today to end. I know tomorrow won’t be better, but maybe Tuesday will be.
Finished the third book last night. 6 days for all three. I love summer.
I have 2A for certain. This is massively good news as I have been really unhappy about the prospect of teaching lockstep grade level sophmore English. This means freedom for my curriculum (uhm, within basic constraints of course). This means I get to push hard in a class full of fairly capable kids.
I can work with this. Lit circles. We are totally going to do lit circles. Oh the books I can make them read!
Uhm, a note about this filter. I’ve taken people off of it because I am going through one of those major control freak periods where unsolicited comments I don’t like are really really bothering me. So I’ve cut back most of the people who make comments I don’t want to hear. Maybe that is petty, but this is my bloody journal and if I don’t get to write what I want here without being responded to in ways I don’t like I should just forget the whole thing. I label this filter pretty religiously so you know in advance that it’s the heavier shit.
Most of the time I don’t say too much about people commenting on stuff. I ignore stuff I don’t want to respond to or I take someone off a filter and that’s about the end of it. On this filter I’m going to ask everyone to think before you comment. I’m not saying that anyone has to sycophantically agree with me or suck up, just think pretty hard before you comment. If your comment is tangential or not really about what is being brought up, please don’t comment. This filter is where I write about a lot of the stuff that is the hardest for me. I let people read it because many people have expressed that they really want to see what is happening for me as I work through this stuff. But as people stop feeling safe for me to process in front of they are simply removed. It isn’t up for discussion or negotiation. If you feel like you no longer want to be on this filter, please let me know. I am happy to take you off.
I’ve been on a serious roller coaster ride emotionally lately and I don’t know why. No, I’m not pregnant; I checked. I’m crying at the drop of a hat. Everything bothers me in some way, either it makes me angry or it makes me sad or it makes me withdraw. I wish I could point at something in particular and say “That! That’s why I’m upset!” but I can’t.
Uhm, it’s longer than I expected. Continue reading
My therapist is so laid back that she practically lays down during our sessions. This is really good for me cause I need mellow people desperately. But this week she got all aggressive like and gave me *gasp* homework. Alright.
I’m supposed to go through the messages I have gotten around money. I’ve been having some issues around class stuff really bothering me and she thinks this might be a good starting place for working through it. (I’m not saying I have fully embraced all of these, but they exist for me.)
*”You should advertise here so you can get more money.” – The strong implication was the only career I should head for is prostitution. I was about 12. This came from my brother and my cousin.
*My mom was destitute but my father was actually middle class. He controlled all of the purse strings and therefore basically all of the safety and security and happiness in my family.
*If my mom wanted child support she had to go fuck my dad.
*I was often the only white kid who was poor. I knew other kids who were equally in bad shape, but they seemed to have cultural support in dealing with it. It was somehow extra shameful that I was so poor and white.
*Poor people should be grateful for anything well off people decide to give them/do for them. Even if it nothing like what you need or want.
*My mother often spent money selfishly/foolishly and it meant that I did without some basic necessities at times. I grew to believe that spending money on yourself meant hurting the people around you because my mother spent money on herself and it sometimes hurt me. I don’t want to be like that.
*I have the obligation to work hard for money and then give it to my family when they need it. Even if that means fucking up my own life.
*It’s ok to spend money on something that costs less than $10 basically anytime you want to. Even though all of those small purchases add up and cause a problem later. It was cheap and therefore ok to buy.
*It’s always ok to buy clothes, movies, and books. Even if you don’t have enough food.
*Supporting children is an obligation that should be shoved off on someone else as often and for as long as possible.
*It’s ok to lie about how much money you have when someone asks you if they can have money, but it isn’t ok to say “no.”
*Car maintanence is an extravagance that should be put off as long as possible.
*Food should be cheap and plentiful because spending more money on a small amount is stupid and wasteful.
*Wanting more than someone can provide makes you selfish and bad. You should stop wanting.
*Wanting nicer things (like matched dishes) is snobby and vain and selfish.
*Using paper napkins/plates/etc at Thanksigiving/Christmas is low class and disgusting.
I can’t think of anything else right now. I may edit this later.
Still no pats on the head.
1. You are a fuck up, but you are my fuckup. I love you.
2. I wish you could talk about the things that broke you. I really believe you would come out stronger on the other side of that conversation.
3. Shiny isn’t everything. Maybe you would be better off figuring out how to fix what you have rather than going out trying to find something shinier. You are more loved than you know.
4. I wish you would stop being obsessed with appearances. Your life would be better if you focused on the things that matter. There are things that matter in your life–don’t lose out on them.
5. If you don’t like your life, change it. You have that power. You are stronger than you know.
6. You are wonderfully kind and I admire you. I don’t really want to be like you, but I admire you.
7. You are smart, talented, capable, and generally amazing. I wish life would stop stomping you into the ground.
8. I think about what might have been and I don’t know if I am happy or sad. Maybe you deserve happiness more than I do. Maybe it wouldn’t have made you happy. I do hope that you find your joy.
9. Please, please get a different job. Don’t you see that this one isn’t making you happy and never will? Isn’t your happiness worth some extra effort now and then?
10. I’m glad I chose you. For all the frustration you bring into my life, you bring great joy and love as well. Thank you.
I liked the meme that was “10 things you want to say to people”. I’m not going to pat anyone on the head and say, “Oh honey, of course I don’t mean you” so don’t bother asking for it.
1. Fuck you.
2. I find it particularly hypocritical that you allow me to be in a position you don’t want to be in yourself. Grow a fucking backbone.
3. Wow, you are so being used. I hope the sex is worth it.
4. Grow up. No really, grow up. It’s past fucking time you stop acting like a child.
5. Being prepared isn’t some magical occurance that just happens to some people. You need to take responsibility for yourself and actually get your shit done.
6. I hate you. I would feel kind of guilty for it, but I would cheerfully dance on your fucking grave you stupid piece of shit.
7. Quite whining about the situations you get yourself into over and over and over again. No one wants to hear it. You would be amazed at who all talks shit about you behind your back.
8. Stop patronizing me you fucker. And don’t correct my pronunciation when I am in a bad mood, dick.
9. Don’t ask him to touch you again. He isn’t yours. Ask your own boy to touch you.
10. I’m tired of being nice to you. Why the fuck can’t you do something well and truly deserving of me hating you so that I can stop feeling guilty for it.
Two to go.
I really really really like this series. 🙂
I’ve said it before and I’l say it again. If you are my family you get to ask me to pick you over other people because that is what family means to me. I believe in taking sides. I believe that is what actually loving someone means.
And it is only for family that I will deal with feeling so frustrated and still actually talk to the person I am angry with. Just sayin. Chosen family means I choose you. No buts. No except for.
Ya’ll still piss me the fuck off sometimes.
It was such a good day. I am not ok with being manipulated.
I’m very sad about the fact that one less person is on this filter. I could spit nails. I’m not coherent.
FUCK!!!!!!!!!
I know I’m late to the game, but I’ve discovered Kushiel’s Dart.
I’ll be in my bunk.
We have a whole freakin lot of chocolate, some of it really good some of it enh. We have a ridiculous amount of vanilla ice cream. We have a bottle of 1977 Taylor Fladgate port which is absolutely divine.
Anyone want to come over on Thursday and enjoy a combination of the above with us? 🙂
For a while now I have felt that I will not support the Citadel by going to parties or playing there because the favortism and attitudes that the owners have towards their little pets. I went to classes periodically because that was the only place to see those classes. I have decided that I am better off missing those events. I won’t give that space one more dollar of my money. I have no respect for the way it is being run, for the gossip, for the bullshit posturing, for the ridiculous ass-kissing, for any of it really. I want nothing to do with the space in any way. They repeatedly delete all threads that specifically list complaints with how the space is being run and then say, “Well, why don’t you volunteer if you want things to be different!” Because volunteering there does nothing to change the system. The well is poisoned from the very top and that can’t/won’t be fixed by volunteering. Instead, I will vote with my feet and my wallet.
I’ve been around long enough to know that I just need to be patient. This space will go away eventually.
Quite a while back Noah and I discussed what sorts of things should change about our lives when it comes to having children. As it turns out, we both feel pretty strongly that it would not be a good idea to have outside “relationships” while breeding and raising young’uns. Yes, there is the issue of potential disease risk, but mostly there is the little matter of heavily nesting and wanting to direct that sort of energy towards our family and our future. We both have a tendency towards “Ooh! Shiny!” and that isn’t a good thing to be doing while we should be spending our energy on other things. At this point we are quite firmly into the, “Kid could happen at any point. No really. Any.Day.Now. Ovulate already you stupid ovary!!!!” Heh.
What this means for us is that we are not polyamorous. We are not pursuing outside relationships as they take away energy and time that we want to keep between us. This brings us to the fact that we live in a binary society–if we aren’t polyamorous, we’re monogamous–right? Well, mostly. There will be no baby making sex any year soon as that is something we think would be a very Bad Idea to do while trying to breed. Paternity issues and disease risk just aren’t things we feel are worth the neato-ness of outside sex. Being us, we still really really like the idea of flirting and *some* sexual contact with other people. I suppose this means that we aren’t 100% completely and totally monogamous as oral sex does count as sex. But we also feel like such potential foreys into playing with other people should be done together and very rare. In fact, it isn’t for certain that this will happen and it will be all talked about and stuff and evaluated on a case by case basis of “how much drama could this person potential add into our lives.”
So yeah. That’s what “not really available” means for us. At least until last kid is a year or more old. 🙂 Of course I still like talking about sex, pretty much constantly. Please please don’t take this as a sign of “I want to have sex with you.”