I have been planning Friday Night Waltz tonight for about 4 weeks. But uhhh now it isn’t a good idea. 🙁 I’m not still throwing up, but if I get up and move around my stomach starts hurting again. So I’m going to be sitting pretty still today and tomorrow. Sunday evening I am supposed to help with load in for http://www.dnalounge.com/flyers/2006/05/21-lookingglass.html. Is anyone else going?
“When lightning strikes a human being, it’s usually bad news. Not so inthe case of a man from Maine named John Corson. After experiencing awhitish-blue bolt shoot through his body during a thunderstorm, hetestified that his health became better than it had been in a longtime. “I feel lighter and 100 years younger,” he marveled. I predict acomparable (though less shocking) rejuvenation for you, Virgo. Whatyou’re going through or about to go through might cause a breakdown insome people, but for you it will lead to a breakthrough.”
As Noah just put it, “That’s kind of the story of your life.”
ha.
The boys have come to the conclusion that I’m not reacting to alcohol I am just sick. I threw up four times today, the last time I had only had green tea flavored water. I’m just sick. I did manage to keep some soup down this evening but moving around still causes my stomach to hurt enough that I am calling in sick to work tomorrow.
I didn’t do that much partying last night. I had three drinks over the course of about three hours. Although last night that was enough to make me black out portions of the evening and catch my hair on fire. I don’t want to talk about it. I feel like a total fucking idiot and for the life of me I don’t understand why Google Boy was willing to come take care of me today after I made such a horse’s ass of myself. *bang head against wall*
I am sick. I feel really awful. I would want to cry, but the boys in my life have babied me so much today that even that doesn’t seem necessary. They traded off taking care of me this evening and had a lovely little chat over my prone form. I really like both of them. I am so lucky.
I don’t just want to puke, I have. Twice.
Is today over yet?
I am so hung over it isn’t funny. May I tell you all how intimidating a classroom full of teenagers is when you are so hungover you want to throw up all over the place?
Last night I was really stupid. But I had fun. 🙂 woof. Not doing that again anytime soon.
List ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. (I’m going to skip the tagging this time.)
1. I love you more than I can ever express and I am very sad that I can’t be near you.
2. Please give me more space. I feel like I am choking.
3. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but things will be ok in the long run. I have faith in you.
4. It’s time to move on. If you keep thinking about him it will only hurt you more.
5. Please stop hurting yourself. I love you so much and it is difficult to see you do this. I know it isn’t about me, but–please stop for you.
6. I love you.
7. I think you are hot and I want to jump you.
8. I am sicking of dealing with your bullshit drama. In fact, I am so sick of it that I am just not going to deal with you anymore. I’m done.
9. I really love that you think of me when you hear that song.
10.If you want to do it, just do it. Stop being afraid.
I am watching a movie in preparation for class tomorrow. Oy.
The weekend was lovely. Portland Boy is sweet and fun. I think I likes him. 🙂 Breakfast with the boys was quite lovely. I think that the boys basically liked one another. Yay!!!
Yesterday we wandered around SF for a bit and had fun. When we finally got back to my house around 5:30 I passed out hard. He decided that I only got a two hour nap. Meaniehead. I woke up and made him dinner and we watched a movie. That was fun. “Quiet please.”
Today I took him down to Santa Cruz and showed him around a bit. That was quite nice as such things are want to be. 🙂 We came back and I tied him up for a while. I haven’t tied up a boy with the intention of having sex with him in years. Not since Tom. It was most disconcerting. I had a hard time getting my equilibrium back.
I also had a moment this morning when he was on the phone with his mother where I felt out of sorts and sad, but that is going to happen in my life.
Tonight we had good Indian food and started a movie I have to watch for class. Dropping him off was kind of sad, but I will see him again in about a month. 🙂
Right now I have a lovely boy sleeping in my bed. There are moments when I curse being a morning person.
I did not use my time wisely last night because while his plane was delayed I should have found a handicapped bathroom so we could fuck before even leaving the airport. Instead, I sat in the walkway waiting and had a very drunk, very obnoxious guy hassle me for about 20 minutes. I guess wearing a ridiculously short and intensely red dress will get attention. So we didn’t get to fuck at the airport. Very sad.
I dragged him to the grocery store after that so we could figure out what we want to eat this weekend. It was fun to fondle his ass and kiss him into silence periodically. He responds so easily to any aggressive actions. Once or twice he did remind me that he is bigger and stronger than me and can have his way if he wants it and that is even hotter.
When we got home I started putting dinner together and got distracted. Oh baby did we get distracted. I have had conservative friends ask in judgmental voices why I want to have more than one lover. Sometimes I want to tell them that I continue to want new lovers partially because of that moment of discovery one has with new or rare partners. When taking someones close off is still a great surprise and gift. That moment when someone will push me down and say, “No, I just want to look at you” and then devour my body with his (or her) eyes only. That moment gives me more happiness and self-regard building than most. That is when I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I have beauty. I am a big believer that being in love with someone positively colors one’s regard of them–which is hardly a bad thing–but it makes judgment of beauty more biased.
I also got to introduce him to the concept of different sizes of condoms. Hey, who knew that they could actually feel comfortable? Silly boy. (Fellas–I’m telling you. Try out different sizes and brands!!)
When we finished we went and found dinner on legs shaking from exertion. After eating we passed out well before 11. This allowed us to wake up in the middle of the night when just the proximity of one another lead to more desire.
Now I have been awake for about an hour. In two hours my boys get to all meet. I am nervous but excited.
I am running around getting ready for Portland Boy’s visit. I want fast, energetic happy music to push myself along with. So what do I put on?
The Supertones.
Uhm … that means nothing to you? Oh–you mean you don’t listen to Christian Ska?
So I’m bopping around singing along with “I chose Christ and here I am today. I’m in Christ and Christ’s in me!” as I prepare for a visit from my lover. Yeah. Weird.
Name 10 of life’s simple pleasures that you like most, then pick ten people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and not use things that someone else has already used.
1. Pink fuzzy shower curtains hung as my living room curtain.
2. When more than 1/2 of my class is up to date on their reading. (Seriously, this makes me deliriously happy.)
3. Knowing that in less than 24 hours I get to see my Portland Boy!!
4. Going to sleep and waking up with my Noah.
5. When someone tells me they like my smile.
6. Driving through a massive rainstorm and then seeing a beautiful rainbow on the other side.
7. Having Noah start rubbing some part of me (massage you filthy perverts) while we are just sitting around having a conversation.
8. Feeling heard.
9. Walking along the beach hearing stories about someone I like a lot.
10. Knowing that in 36 hours I will be in a restaurant with three of the men that make me the happiest.
My life so rocks.
Oh, I choose: malixe, celledhor(boy you never post), gerardp, fuzzyturtlefoamslice, meerkat299, soulcookie, notanai, polkamadness, and terpsichoros. Yeah, we’ll see if even *two* of you do it. Heh.
I just hit print on my last paper of the semester. I have class in two hours.
So close.
I had this flash into why I wanted to do the rename. As cute and sassy as rightkindofbrat is, it is also something that I know I would grow weary of. I would get tired of the ‘hehe hehe you’re a brat’ pretty quickly. The point wasn’t that I am just a brat. And as much as the suggestions were well meaning, I have no interest in being identified as a virago or a bitch. Because those things aren’t me either. I’m so many many things. I have fought for years to be ok with who and what I am because people have always told me that I wasn’t right. I wasn’t submissive enough, I wasn’t respectful enough, I wasn’t quiet enough … hell I’ve been told I am the wrong kind of slutty.
But you know what? I am not wrong about any of it. I am exactly the right thing that I am supposed to be. I understand Jaguar’s objection to being the “right kind” of anything, but damnit–I am the right kind of me.
I am the right kind of me.
It’s a good time to work on your moon tan. I suggest you put on abathing suit and find a place where the moon can beam down on you for awhile. As you bask in its glow, periodically turning over to let itsaturate every part of your body, imagine that soaking up the lunarvibes will deepen and tone your emotional life, enhance yourreceptivity, make you a wiser nurturer, and build up your knack foradjusting deftly to change.
Ironic considering I CAN’T SLEEP!!!!
Leave a comment in my LJ listing each of the numbers that indicatesyour thoughts/feelings towards me. Then leave this meme in your own LJ.
0= I don’t know you.
1= I like you.
2= I love you!!
3= You are funny.
4= You are cool.
5= I don’t really care for your personality.
6= I want to fuck you.
7= You are sexy!
8= You’re a sweetheart.
9= I want to get to know you better.
10= I hope you die.
11= Marry me, PLEASE?
12= Let’s makeout.
So I mentioned that I have been thinking that this nick doesn’t quite fit me and a few people agreed. Now I am going to put it forth to ya’ll (one of thos blatant requests for input):
What do you think might fit me?
SlutPrincess has been suggested (what is funny is that was a friend’s password on all her accounts for a long time)
but I don’t know that I want another nick with the word slut in it. It gets old.
However, RightKindOfBrat isn’t taken. 🙂
Any other suggestions? I’ve been thinking I should change it for over a year and I have taken no steps so who knows if/when it will happen. I will have to find something I really like because frankly this nick has an excessively large recognition factor in a lot of different communities for me at this point.
I have work to do, but this entry is buzzing around in my brain and maybe if I get it out I will be able to do some work.
On Saturday I went to Naughty. Whether this entry is porn or just me talking about my life is something that you must decide for yourself.
*grin* Thanks for noticing me loren_q
6 Weird Things About Me You May Not Know
1. I would rather burn candles than turn on a light switch. When I am home by myself I often have 30+ candles burning because I want it to be bright but I dislike artificial light. The weird thing is I feel self conscious doing it with anyone else around. I think this has been one of the things I have appreciated the most about living alone. I don’t have to worry about what anyone else thinks about what I am doing.
2. I reread the book Walk in My Soul by Lucia St.Clair Robson at least once a year, usually more like two or three times a year. I always sob through the last 20 or so pages so hard that I can barely see enough to keep reading. For some reason this book touches me more than any other.
3. My ears were pierced for the first time when I was about 18 months old. The second piercings were done when I was 12. The third when I was 18. And I can’t wear earrings in any set of holes because I get infections within a day.
4. I still listen to songs on repeat for days. I have never grown up. In the past few months I have had days where the focus has been : “Boyfriend” by Ashlee Simpson (don’t ask), “Ever the Same” by Rob Thomas, and “On Again Off Again On AgainTonight” by Trent Willmon. Good stuff.
5. A lot of people know that I am somewhat picky about what I eat, but most people don’t understand that most of the time it isn’t about taste/flavor. I can’t handle weird textures. Slimey, weirdly crunchy, or anything that feels sharp. If something is too odd in my mouth it can make me throw up. This is why I don’t eat stuff that feels weird in my mouth. And it seems to be arbitrary. I can’t handle the texture of onions or seafood. *shiver* God it’s nasty.
6. I’m not actually terribly into boots. And I’m specifically not into high heeled boots. I like military style boots a lot on other people, and engineer boots well enough. I have this nick because Tom and I sat around and exchanged ideas because he hated the one I used from high school. I think this nick doesn’t fit me but I don’t know what would. Any suggestions?
I’m supposed to tag people, so I will. But keep in mind my darlings that this is just a suggestion. How about: danaoshee, doctorcurly, evilcyber, ihotpockets, loupyone, and rpage.
Last night I took advantage of the last night I will be able to go to BaGG for a while. I start full time teaching on Monday and I am so incredibly wasted right now that it would be irresponsible to do this to myself when I have a full day of work instead of just an hour.
I dressed up, or down depending on how you look at it. I wore lace panties, a lace body stocking, and a fishnet shirt. So I was arguably covered, but in body hugging see-through material. It took two shots of tequila to talk myself into leaving the house dressed like that. I was having a huge argument with myself over whether I am hot or not. I am not terribly brazen most of the time though I have been working at changing that. More times than not I hate my body. But I just didn’t feel like wearing my normal dowdy dresses. I wanted the admiring looks and the compliments and I know that the way to get them is to show off. I think that if Google Boy had given even .0001 of an ounce of anything that was less than totally reassuring I would have caved to my fear. But he off-handedly proclaimed that I looked great so I sucked up my liquid courage and went.
I talked to people. I didn’t do much flirting with anyone other than GB. I danced for a little while with a really sweet guy who has a beautiful smile and who is willing to swing dance with me! He can stay. 😀 I did hit on the dead guy though. (Long story) I ran into someone I know from vanilla dance events who was a bit surprised to see … so much of me … Yikes.
The ride home involved lots of talking. It’s a long drive and I decided to be nice and for once work to keep the driver awake. It is interesting to me to do storytelling these days about myself. I live so much of my life very publicly that it feels odd that people don’t know my story already. I forget that I am constantly meeting new people and they don’t know my stories yet. I always feel self-conscious when I tell the bad ones. I would rather just focus on the easy stuff, like sex, because that is less likely to make people feel bad.
Last night was interesting though because I felt more distant from a lot of the bad stuff than I remember feeling before. I was an unhappy, miserable, angry child–but that is all over now. Now I am so very happy. I am close to contentment (I just want to finish my Masters). And I am rarely angry. I do get cranky way too often, but that isn’t the same thing. 🙂 I think what I am having the hardest time with these days is the fact that I know I am cranky and I lash out at people in weird ways, but most of the time I feel happy. I wish I could maintain my level of happiness with more consistency. That is my next big self-improvement goal: how to minimize the cranky! I think that I feel happy most of the time these days because I am genuinely happy at work. I feel accomplished and competent and successful here. Not to mention that my coworkers are constant rays of sunshine and my kids are pretty freakin rockin. I won’t always have classes that are this cool so I am trying to appreciate it.
Today I am tired. Bone weary. Getting out of bed and out of the house was very difficult because there was a wonderful snuggly boy there. I feel like I am drifting through a fog. But it is a fog with pretty colors floating in and around it. Tonight I am sleeping all by myself. It is good and bad. I won’t have as much distraction tomorrow morning to make it so hard to go to work. 🙂 I get to spend basically all weekend with my Noah. Life is good. I need sleeeeeeeeeeep.
This morning I said some things to my love that were hard to say. I don’t know that I would have been able to say them to someone else. But because I can say those things to him I know he is the right one.
Last night I found out that a boy I had totally written off as uninterested is actually very interested and has not been able to get me out of his head. Ha. Too bad I’m not available darling. But it is still an ego boost.
I get to see someone tonight who makes me smile and laugh and feel giddy. This NRE stuff is AWESOME.
I have gotten to be supportive of a friend going through a rough patch right now and I feel good that I can provide that even with my hectic life.
Seventeen of my students passed the reading quiz today. Two others tried hard but didn’t quite pass. Of the remaining twelve students only one was present the day we got the books and today. (So eleven kids either don’t have the book yet or were absent today. Attendence is an issue for my school.) I know that at least six of those kids will take it tomorrow and probably pass. If my prediction is correct I will have twenty three passing grades on the first quiz of the unit. Yes, out of thirty two. You think that sounds kind of sucky? Well, three of the nine who will fail it haven’t been in class for the past two months and there is no hope for them. My kids are actually doing really well. Many of the teachers in my department have as many or more kids with F’s and they have smaller classes. (Freshman teachers have 17-20 kids per class and they each have at least nine kids failing.) For the most part my kids are trying. I am very proud of them. They were awesome in class today. They asked me questions about the book and were attentive and participated. I walked out of class with a huge smile.
Today is such a good day.