Author Archives: Krissy Gibbs

About Krissy Gibbs

Just your average hippy white trash incest survivor stay at home mom. Is there an average for us? No? Oh well.

So uhm… yeah…

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EDIT: Bry and Sarah have earned my everlasting devotion. They had it anyway, but they get extra props now. 🙂

Lots of people have asked me what I would like them to bring. My answer is typically: you, yourself, and anything you think you would like to have.

But uhm… I woke up this morning with a craving…

A blended vanilla creme from Starbuck’s. They are freakin good. This is one of those NO COFFEE drinks. I don’t drink coffee.

I will love someone forever. Ok, so I’m going to love my friends anyway, but if someone has a hankering to spoil me I would be very grateful.

(In other news: I am likely to be in a really good mood all day despite being very tired. I have had sex not once, not twice, not three times, but four times in the last 24 hours. I’m really sore, but happy. Looks like Puppy just needs the right encouragement. [Me crying cause I feel rejected and unhappy and I get all antsy and pissy sans sex.])

Naw… I don’t stir up shit.

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A friend posted:

“The forces of the Righteous Right are pressuring Burger King to pull an advertising campaign they launched this past weekend. My company has been involved in the mobile content, which is why I’ve had a front row seat to all this.

www.coqroq.com Look for the ringtones. We did the conversions and are delivering for BK.

Help me get the word out through blog/guerrilla marketing. Quickly, before they pull it. Post this to your blogs, and request that your friends’ list post it to their blogs, and so on, and so forth …

I have more to comment about what’s been happening in my work life, including a campaign I did that I want you to help get the word out. But that has to wait until tomorrow. For now … go check out Coq Roq. The Righteous Right doesn’t *want* you to, of course.”

Please pass this around as far and as fast as you can. 🙂 Thank you.

Is good

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So Puppy and I had one of those meta converations last night. A communication about communication. We cleared up what exactly had each of us been arguing over the previous few days, cause we really weren’t on the same topics. We talked about things that we both want to work on and things that both of us need to agree to. For example:
-I need my cool down time or I am inclined to get violent and/or shut down during arguments. Instead of just walking away like I have always done I am going to ask for a timeout for a specific period of time so that I am a)getting the space I need to have and I am commiting to coming back and solving the problem so he doesn’t feel like I am just avoiding the issue and ignoring his needs.
-Puppy has a bit better of an idea of exactly how and why I need space now and he has commited to actually letting me have the time I need. He also thinks he will feel a lot better about giving me the space I need when he feels more certain I am going to come back.
-We talked about needing to have “What are we arguing about” check-in’s as the fight is raging because we end up doing apples and oranges and that is utterly useless and frustrating.
-He feels that he wants to learn how to communicate with me differently because the way he talks to me isn’t making it through. (I think this is more of a two way street than he kind of commited to.) He thinks a counselor would be a really good idea to help us figure out how to speak the same language.

We talked about how his behavior during the big fight was a perfect example of his fathers behavior and how I cannot and will not live with a replica of that man. That wasn’t easy to talk about. We talked about the difference between slamming his friend and me setting a boundary in my life. With him (yeah, I know I am doing it with my friends and in my journal but he isn’t influenced by that) I am not saying much negative about his ex other than I don’t want her in my life because she isn’t stable. I am stressing repeatedly that I want him to continue his friendship with her because he needs to have friends and a support network that doesn’t involve me. I just don’t want to be friends with her and I don’t want her in my house. I don’t think that those boundaries for me should end his relationship and I also don’t want to spend a lot of time with him telling me I am wrong about her. He finally conceded that feelings don’t have to be rational and it’s ok for me to have my squicks. For the record, he is totally supportive of her not coming into the house if I don’t want her here. He just wishes that I would actually get to know her and make my evaluation of any potential friendship based on my personal interactions instead of based on something she did in the past to him. I feel this is a very reasonable wish for him to have and I don’t blame him. I also know that she happened to stomp on one of the things I am most sensitive to in the world and it is pretty much a deal breaker for me from the get-go. There are no take-backs of that action. I tolerate a whole shit-load of stuff from people, not that.

We talked more about birth control methods and comfort and sex and what we both need and how our squicks and needs are not matching up entirely. (He has a serious thing against getting menstrual blood on himself and that leads to me feeling dirty and unwanted. It’s a thing. It needs to be worked on.) We talked about how basically unfair it is that birth control in this relationship is 100% my responsibility and he is asking me to do even more things because he is really paranoid about an accidental pregnancy. We talked about the negative effects on my body and psyche that some of what he wants causes and how basically, I am not going to put myself at risk for any more shit. He is being flat paranoid and I am not going to pander to it because it is actually going to hurt me to do so. (I am not fond of constant UTI’s and if I used spermicidal jelly as much as he would like me to [one more preventative] I would never stop being in pain. Ever.) So yeah. There are now a bunch of websites about ovulation and fertility cycles up on his computer and he is going to read them and find out that actually no, I can’t get pregnant 30-1 days out of the month and he can stop trying to insist that I do four forms of birth control at all times cause it is kind of silly. (Starting with the premise that I am on the pill and not ovulating anyway. Oy.) And for the record, cause some people feel envy: yeah, we are up to five days without sex. Poor me. 🙁

Appreciation

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I’ve said it many times before and I’m sure I will say it millions of times in the future.

I love my friends. I am so very grateful for the people in my life who love me and support me. I don’t treat my friends as well as I should, and I don’t honestly know if I ever will be able to be as good to them as they deserve, but I try to figure out ways to let them know that I appreciate them.

Specifically in the last few days: Chris and Andrew, thank you for picking up the phone. Thank you for your advice. I will try to follow it.

and it got worse

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No. It wasn’t about the stupid Playboys.

So yesterday Puppy came home and told me that there were a few people he wants to invite to the housewarming. Wonderful. Great. He proceeds to list off a few ex’s. Including the psycho one that I threw down about a month ago. The one that I asked him to promise me that a) he would never be around her and guns again and b) she would never be in my home. So much for respecting my wishes.

I walked away immediately. I couldn’t react right away. I called a friend who told me over and over that I need to tell Puppy no. I’m grateful for the pep talk. It was hard telling Puppy no. Then he wanted me to justify my no. So I reminded him of the former promise. Oops. He forgot. He started lecturing me about how I am not giving her a chance and she is a very good person.

This is about when I went and started cutting. I couldn’t deal with it. I just shut down mentally. We have been down this path already. He is like a dog wearing at a bone. He can’t back off for anything. (I guess Puppy is so very appropriate of a name.)

I finished and came out and finished making dinner. I was comletely numb and shut down. He tried to touch me and I flinched. He got mad at me and stomped away. We sat down to eat and he started up again on how he can’t believe I am judging her before I meet her. She is a good person. He knows her. Yeah, she has done bad things–but everyone has and the good far outweighs the bad. I started saying, “stop.” Over and over and over. He didn’t. I felt the panic attack start. I started shaking. Stop changed to fine. I almost threw down my plate (bad. glass.) and I ran to the back room and sat against the door as I fought to breathe. As I fought to control the hysterical crying. I was on the verge of passing out from lack of air and he came to the door and continued his tirade. I honestly couldn’t understand him. I just absolutely lost it. He didn’t stop for several minutes. It was really awful. Eventually he stopped and left. It took a while for me to calm down and when I did I went into the guest room, grabbed Ted and Nighty-Night and passed out hard. Panic attacks make me fall asleep fast and hard. They are draining and exhausting.

This morning he tells me that he didn’t sleep because he was worried about me. He said he is just trying to defend his friend. I’m not attacking her. I’m not saying she is a bad or horrible person. I am just saying I don’t want her in my life. I am expressing a boundry. And he doesn’t respect it.

This morning I am actually missing Tom. There were bad nights with Tom, but he never escalated them. It was always entirely me doing the crazy shit. I really miss having stuff not escalate.

I slipped

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the water fills the tub

steralize the tool

pick spots that can be hidden–someone will be looking

stay shallow, don’t give in to the impulse to push harder and harder. just the surface. just the barest release

better and worse. empty and aching and guilty instead of swirling agony.

i failed.

Working out the kinks (in communication)

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We had another big fight last night. We had been sitting down having dinner and discussing the upcoming plans. There is an event I want to go to weekend after next and I will be gone Fri-Sun and he would like to come down on Sat. But it’s a long drive and lot’s of effort and trying to negotiate rides and such was a bit obnoxious. I kept being me, which is to say that for every reason he had for what he wanted I had about fifteen things to consider that could be a problem in making it happen. I wasn’t trying to cause a fight or be difficult, I was following my generic thought process. I think about all the possibilities for things to go wrong when I am planning anything. I just do. But he felt very attacked. I got up to start cleaning up after dinner and he told me, “If you don’t want me to go just say so.” Then he went off to deal with laundry. I got really angry. Most of the points I was bringing up were because I wanted to make sure he didn’t end up in a situation that meant I wouldn’t get to spend much time with him. I didn’t want him depending on a total flake for a ride so that I didn’t see him for more than a few hours.

When he came back into the house I pretty much went off. I pushed his chest and yelled at him. The look on his face for a split second made me think he would deck me. Yeah. Maybe I went a bit far there… We yelled out our respective sides. I think he finally realized that I wasn’t trying to be a pill when I say the things I say, I’m just very anal-retentive and compulsive and I want to make sure there is no possible outcome I haven’t considered. His ex-wife spent most of their marriage (they were married for two years, they had already been together for four years when they married) trying to have time away from him and didn’t ever want him to come along when she did stuff. We all have our baggage. So it is a constant issue for him to suspect that when I am examining all the ways something could potentially fail that I am really just trying to tell him to stay home. No… I want to make sure you don’t end up staying home because of something stupid and petty cause I really really want you there. *sigh*

When the fight was over he pulled me into his lap and stroked my hair and told me he was proud of me for dealing with being angry instead of stewing for days.

He is coming from a background of a partner who would do anything to get away from him. I am coming from a background of a partner who would use any excuse to avoid doing things with me. We both are afraid of asking for time with one another because we are used to being rebuffed. I’ve tried explaining to him that we are both the clingy type who likes time together (don’t get me wrong, we spend an awful lot of time apart and that is ok–there are a good 12 hours that we are apart during every day and then 8 hours of sleeping. I don’t think that wanting to spend what time we can together is obsessive.) but he still feels like he is going to stifle me. This means I am having to work very hard on my own fear of rejection and I am asking him to be with me. It’s scary…

[Day two of migraine starting. I really don’t understand why he won’t shoot me.]

Service plug

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Everytime I have to call Geico about my insurance (car or renter) I am always convinced that I am talking to the happiest, perkiest person alive. But then on the next call… there’s another! ACK!

Their rates are rather good and their customer service is extremely good. They get two thumbs up from me.

As opposed to those piece of shit bastards at Uhaul. I’m mad at at Jim for using them.not really but it sounds funny

ick

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I have a migraine building.

Cramps are so horrible that I feel like my uterus is one of those alien creatures and it is trying to claw it’s way out of my gut.

But I’m not pregnant.

enh

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I hate unpacking and I’m tired. Besides, Puppy is off doing something fun–it’s ok for me to take a break.

The trip was up and down and up and down and….
My first impulse is to say that I hate his father. It probably is an overstatement though. His father is going to be a problem for me probably for the rest of his life, though I bet we will eventually come to some sort of terms. I will never again be at that man’s beck and call night and day. Of that I am 100% certain. I am never setting foot in that RV again. I will be renting a car during all future visits. I will not stay at his house. My schedule will never be at his beck and call. He is a total jerk. Specifically: he is fond of telling people what is expected of them at the very last second and then getting really angry when they are not finished when he would like them to be. He also never gives anyone enough information and gets really frustrated when they don’t read his mind. He likes to yell and give orders when it isn’t appropriate. When things are going his way, and everyone is jumping fast enough, he can be ok though. I refuse to ever be at his mercy again. But he isn’t actually evil and I probably don’t actually hate him. I just don’t deal well with his style of interaction. He is incredibly self-centered and rude and…. I wanted to shoot him many times during the trip.

The step-mother is stupid. Literally. I think she has a low IQ. By the end of the trip I reached the conclusion that I will probably never care enough about her one way or another to have an opinion. She is annoying, but I tend to just ignore the annoyance factor from people who are that stupid.

The little brothers are awesome. The youngest one, who called me the sucky girlfriend early in the trip and made me cry, turned out to be really cool–he’s just an almost 12 year old boy and he says rude/stupid things sometimes. For the last two days whenever anyone said anything that wasn’t polite to me he would give them a dirty look and say, “Don’t say mean things to Princess! She doesn’t like it.” The boys were calling me Mother 4 (Bio-mom, step-mom, then long-time friend’s mother come before me) and when I told them to do things they would get up immediately to do it. They totally ignored their father. It was funny. We spent most of the last three days talking and getting to know one another and I like them both a lot. They are going to come visit us and I can’t wait. 🙂 I think staying for the RV portion of the trip was worth it just to get to know the brothers. I rescued the littlest one when he fell out of the raft during the white water rafting trip (ok, it would have been dealt with by someone else and he probably wouldn’t have gotten seriously hurt anyway) and he called me his hero. 🙂 The older one is heading into high school and we had some pretty adult conversations about interactions between people and ways to handle different situations (his father was yelling at him constantly) and I think I probably helped him get through the trip without some tears because he was on the verge several times.

And Puppy and I had some really awesome adventures. It was lots of fun with him. It was indeed a learning experience. Staying was the right call.

Housewarming update (thank you to the people who emailed me)

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I am a schmuck and I have announced nothing. So please consider this your invitation to our housewarming. 🙂

It will be happening on Saturday, July 30th. This event will be CHILD FRIENDLY from 1-3 pm. This means that language and discussion topics are required to be G rated. Please keep this in mind when planning your arrival time. From 3-6 we should probably try for PG-13. From 6-10 things can be up to R rated. 🙂 Although I don’t have a hot tub so I doubt anyone will really feel the need to take their clothing off.

Disclaimer: I am rating the party this way because I am inviting an interesting cross section of people in my life. I expect you to make the choice about what level of behaviour YOU will be comfortable with. If you think anyone is exceeding the current rating, please let me know and I will bring the smack down. 🙂 (Although all of my friends are awesome people and very respectful. I significantly doubt there will be a problem.

There will be some munchies and drinks, but you probably shouldn’t show up expecting to find meal-worthy food. That whole grad student budget thing. 🙂 If anyone would like to bring food, please…. feel free. 🙂 But I really don’t expect it or require it.

If anyone is around at 10 the volume has to go way down (neighbors with young children) and maybe we can turn on a movie or something. 🙂

I hope to see you here. 🙂

Ping me for directions. 🙂

culture shock

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Ok. Well. His dad seems to be talking to me this morning, but after hanging back and watching his family interact at breakfast… that may be a bad thing.

Wow are they violent and hostile. You know how people think I am abrasive? I am an infant in the world of hostility. Good grief. Maybe I am just totally misunderstanding their behavior and they only hate me as much as they hate everyone in the whole world.

It still hurts my feelings. But maybe I can stop crying.

The wedding…

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Yeah, the wedding wasn’t easy. First off was the fact that I didn’t eat enough early in the day and we had to arrive at 4:15 for a 6:30 wedding. (They were doing pictures first and really we didn’t need to be there till 5, but apparently Puppy’s father is always so fucking late that they lied to him about arrival time and he showed up on time for once.) Dinner wasn’t until almost 8. It was blazingly hot and I felt horrible. The ceremony itself was really sweet. It went longer than anyone was happy about (heat, humidity, constant threat of thunder storms…) but I liked the whole thing and found a lot of beauty in seeing the meshing of the cultures. The vows were awesome, “I promise to clean up my dishes in a timely fashion and laugh at your jokes…” “I promise to let you sleep in on the weekends and tell you I love you every night before bed and at other spontaneous times…” The two people getting married seem like they could be cool, not that I will ever get to know them. The groom looked freaked out the whole time and I wasn’t sure what was up with that. Probably part of it was that he had on a tux and then the kittel? over it (which is a robe thing that he will keep and wear throughout his life for ceremonial stuff). He was sweating buckets.

I sat by myself in front of this young couple (they are both English teachers) who were making dirty comments before the ceremony. Girl: “I am so sticky and wet.” Guy: “Cool!” She blushed three shades of red; it was very charming.

I felt really on the outside; I didn’t really know anyone and that felt awkward. His father has basically stopped acknowledging my presence and that is a problem.

During the reception Puppy and I talked about taking his younger brothers and the two elderly infirm men in the family home so that the others could stay and enjoy the party. When Puppy suggested this to his dad he was told no because his strength was needed to load up the vehicle later so he couldn’t go. He said I could go home with the nasty aunt and crew instead. I didn’t do this though. Instead I threw a temper tantrum (well, I told Puppy in a very unhappy voice, “Oh that sounds fun” and got up and left the table and wandered off into the woods) and spent almost an hour by myself. Puppy eventually found me while I was on the phone with Japlady and we talked about the shit that was going on. I took her advice and told him about how his family has been treating me. He told me that I am misinterpreting, that there is no way they are actually treating me that way and he wishes that he could help me fix the part of me that is broken and sees insult in everything. I let the situation go and he and I actually had a lot of fun together at the wedding.
We spent most of our time wandering in the woods and we had sex and several blow jobs and I took my clothes off and he dumped water on me (dear god was that good) and we talked and kissed and played. Eventually we danced to the band and had cake and between the two of us we had a lot of fun. (We did the polka and West coast swing and east coast swing and cross-step waltz–he is massively improving.)
When the party was finally winding down his dad made a number of really nasty comments about, “I don’t know how I am going to load everything in with three people… This is so much harder than it has to be…” Really he was being an asshole. I almost suggested that I go home with the step-mom because she was alone in her car and didn’t have much of anything in it. But I didn’t, and there was a huge amount of empty space in the SUV anyway so he was just being a dick. On the ride home he completely ignored every single thing I said. I felt really shitty. When we got home and crawled into bed Puppy told me that I was right about how his dad was treating me and he has no idea what is motivating it. They are spending the day together today because I am going to go spend the day in DC by myself (anything to get away from this treatment) and Puppy said he is going to ask his dad about it because it isn’t ok. I don’t really want to cause strife between them, but I also don’t appreciate being treated this way.

I feel like I don’t know what to do. Puppy has been basically pleading with me since the day we got here to respond naturally and actually say the things I would normally say because he believes that is the only way his family will respect me. I have been doing so and now his father (and the step-mom stopped speaking to me as well by late last night) is treating me like a pariah. I don’t get to leave for five more days and I am going to be spending two of them in an RV with the whole fucking family. This seems like a recipe for disaster to me. *sigh* I just want to cry.

Dangerous

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Too much wine = me saying things that I normally would filter out. Things like when the conversation about where are you from: California. No, where are you from? I am an 8th generation Californian. Oh! Wow! How did your family get there so early? Are you Spanish? Well, there were five generations of prostitutes and it is easy for that kind of woman to get around. *blink* (The uncle actually said that it is a shame our family got out of it because that is an excellent profession. I burst out laughing.)

His aunt criticized my table manners (I took a bite too early during the third course) and I said, “So what?” and kept eating.

When asked about where I grew up I said that we didn’t really live anywhere very long. Military? Naw–my mom’s a flake. Gun shots a few weeks ago near our current house? That’s nothing. When I lived in Compton we had actual murders in front of our home fairly regularly.

Teenage boy threatening to hurt me? Go ahead kid. I learned how to fight with numerous gangbangers coming after me–I will probably make you very sorry you started anything. (He was playing and this whole exchange was light and funny. But he backed off on it.)

I don’t think either younger brother will ever say, “*scoff* That’s so queer” in front of me again. I ripped them a new one up one side and down the other.

I made I think multiple references (when appropriate, I don’t just bring it up out of the blue) to living in trailers/ghettos/the projects/the car…. Yeah. I don’t think they will ever suspect me of being of their social class. I can’t compete with them and I’m better off not trying.

I always feel out of my element in situations with a large number of people who are living on inherited money. It just feels wrong to me. I have nothing in common with these people and furthermore… I don’t want to have anything in common with them. It’s a bias I should work on because I am being just as bad or worse of a bigot.

But yeah. I sure uhhhhh didn’t play nice last night. His uncle and I got along famously. 🙂 His aunt looked pissed off. Puppy and I weren’t supposed to do any PDA’s because it would take away from the specialness of the day for the bride and groom. ?!?!?! ok…

Yes Virginia… I normally do have a filter on what I say…. Muahahaha

Oh. And the twin beds? They are now pushed together.

Ok, ok. I’ll play nice

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I will spend a few minutes saying stuff that isn’t nasty.

No one here is really that bad. His dad is a lot like him and therefore funny (though he would be more funny if he wasn’t mumbling and I could hear him) and the step-mother is very nice and the mom is certainly polite enough. In his dad’s house they are running around trying to prep for a wedding and so they aren’t going to slow down to talk to some random chick who happens to be in their house. His mom doesn’t get out much (she has few friends and telecommutes) so frankly, I’m not shocked that her conversation skills aren’t that developed past politics (her passion).

As was pointed out today I’m not just worrying about whether or not they like me. I am wondering if I am willing to put up with these people for a good many years and deal with them through holidays and have them be part of my childrens’ family and therefore mine. I really don’t know yet.

A lot of my shit and pissiness comes from a few distinct points: namely that I am exhausted, over-tired, and I haven’t been able to eat anything that feels “right” since I got here probably mostly owing to the heat. I’m really not at my best or most patient right now anyway and that has nothing to do with them. They all seem like decent people but it will take some warming up. That’s ok. From what Puppy tells me (his words, not mine) his aunt is going to be a raging bitch and I just need to pretend she isn’t around and I should thank my lucky stars that his grandmother is dead. He actually said that. Apparently she didn’t like anyone who had the temerity to marry one of her boys. No one could ever be good enough and she went out of her way to make the poor womens’ lives miserable. Good to know. (Insert singing of “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead” here.)

Yeah. So they aren’t really that bad. They are just quirky in the way that families are. Tonight we are pushing the twin beds together and not making a fuss over it. I figure that I am still new so they have no reason to really think I am going to last yet. (Well, other than the fact that if he likes someone for more than two months he tends to marry them.) So here I sit, by myself. Reading and wanting to poke you bastards for not talking more on YIM or AIM. I hates you all.

And now… the mom

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So his mother is very different than his father.

She has three broken records. Bush and his entire administration is from Satan. Her health issues (I got really disgusted by the constant conversation about her gas). And Puppy’s father is the anti-Christ.

Yeah. She can’t talk about anything else for more than 45 seconds. And I don’t know how her animals survive. I would think they died rapidly from over feeding. She gave the fucking cat four cans of wet food in the day I was there and there was a bowl of dry out. Good God. And she thinks that Puppy’s shit doesn’t stink. I almost broke in on her to announce that really–he isn’t God’s gift to the planet. He is really awesome and all, but he is just human.

At least we had a queen sized bed. And good sex. And I finally slept. Huzzah!

Sarah darling, when you pick us up from the airport I will probably jump all over you because I am so excited to see you.

In other news. We went to the Holocaust museum. It was very disturbing and sobering. I feel like most of my life is very shallow and vapid. See the rest of this journal entry. I am still processing the experience in the back of my brain.

travel

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So his dad seems to like me. For the oh… hour he has been in my presence. He and Puppy spent the day in the RV working on a door apparently. *sigh*

I spent the day inside with his step-cousin who is maid of honor for the wedding happening this weekend. I don’t like her much. She is a total fucking hypocrite. And someone who starts telling me how I should behave and treat people when they met me oh… two hours before… rapidly hits my shit list. Bitch.

I read The Magician’s Nephew today. I still like it. I think the rest of the series is going to go really fast.

Oh!