There are a few poly people in this filter, but none of the people that proselytize and due to how many people have been making catty comments there is even a distinct lack of people who are involved with the proselytizers. AKA: please don’t discuss this filter with people unless you see them make a comment. Most of my ‘regular’ people aren’t on it.

Mono is sucking ass through a straw. After a good 8 1/2 hours of sleep (which is normally more than I can really pull off) I wake up feeling exhausted to the tips of my fingers. My whole body hurts with exhaustion. And Puppy is fine and off doing stuff so I feel even more pathetic because he is better and I am not. But that is only part of it.

Puppy is busy. That’s a fact of life. So that means I am once again back to doing things by myself. I think that was one of the only things I really got out of poly is that I really hate being alone and it is a fact of life in monogamy. He can’t be with me all the time and yeah yeah yeah it wouldn’t be healthy anyway. In the last month I have been to a couple of S&P’s and one birthday party for a friend and I went to one discussion group meeting. Ali came over in the midst of me wanting to die and I saw Mo for about 4 hours the other night. If anyone wants to think back to the schedule I have been keeping for the last year and some…. Yeah. I’m not doing much of anything. I’m at home, mostly alone. Mostly because I don’t want to go to events by myself. 🙁 There is a whole lot less point in going to events when you are not allowed to do much flirting when you are there. How do some of you handle this? Ali goes to stuff by herself, so does Erik. I feel shitty when I even think about it. Today I have two big options: a pool party in Santa Clara with pervy friends or a bbq/with pool up in Davis with dancers. The fact is, I will probably stay home and cry. Driving is a pretty significant effort right now. I feel pathetic for thinking that, let alone saying it, let alone having it be true. I don’t know most of the dancers that well and I know I will have a hard time keeping it together and not crying today. I don’t cry in front of people I don’t know well. I would like to know them better, but… yeah. It has felt like it isn’t that big of a deal to any of them to get to know me. With the exception of the ones who wanted to fuck me, not a single one of them have ever made any effort to come see me and I have gone up to Davis to see people. That hurts after a very short period of time. With the perv party, Tom will be there with his new girl. And I will be alone.

I feel like a not very nice person. I should be more understanding of the various conflicts that Puppy has in his life. We were moving, he was sick, he has to work. Unfortunately it doesn’t matter what the reasons are–I feel like shit. It comes down to me being alone again and I had enough of that with Tom to last a lifetime. The answer isn’t fucking poly. I don’t want poly. I just don’t know what to do. Regina, please don’t tell me I am being selfish again.

I feel so lost.

I felt like putting my hair up. So I did. There are four braids wrapped around and around coronet style. I even added decorations. It looks pretty good, even though it isn’t as perfectly even as I would like. No, I’m not a perfectionist! Damnit!

I even felt like putting makeup on. And I have on the really pretty earrings that Noah gave me. So I feel all spiffy and pretty… and nowhere to go. I ruled out the beach after I slept through most of the afternoon. I am still sooooooo tired.

Puppy is working and will be basically all night. la di da di da I looked at Peers, but it doesn’t sound interesting and I doubt I would be able to dance much anyway. There is a lovely play/sex party… but yeah… I don’t see a point in going to that alone. 🙂 I dinno what I shall do. la di da di da… more reading and intermittent cleaning I suppose.

I have had several thoughts bubbling around in my brain for the last few days and I was of course composing lj entries in my head, but where are they now? Who knows.

One thing I need to bring up is how very happy I am. I tend to not write as much when I am happy. I have talked to a few friends lately who ask me how I am doing and I enthusiastically screech, “GREAT!” and then I backtrack and tell them about the mono and the class from hell and they ask me what is so great. I am in love with the most fabulous boy I can imagine and he is uberaware of my Princessness and he treats me as such. I am very content with my life. We have had conversations about the marriage and kids thing and I laid my timeline on the table and told him what I want and he didn’t even hesitate. An emphatic yes and agreement that he wants the same things and the timeline looks spiffy. How very odd, yet delightful. (My timeline includes giving us time to be together for a few years before we do anything more permanent–I am nothing if not cynical.)

My house is a mess, but oh freakin well. I will either clean it this weekend or go down to the beach. I haven’t decided yet. 🙂

The class from hell is over, but I learned some very important things and ultimately I am glad I took the class. (Mainstreaming the disabled child.) I learned the difference between full inclusion and mainstreaming (full inclusion is putting kids who are not mentally capable of doing the work in a regular classroom for socialization and mainstreaming is putting kids who have serious physical disabilities in a regular classroom and giving them modifications to allow them to do the work on their own: i.e. an interpretor for a deaf child, or a special seating arrangement for a child in a wheelchair, etc) and I went through a simulation that allowed me to feel a very small, minute, insignificant amount of frustration that is similar to a child with disabilities. I was so frustrated I almost started crying, and that was after one hour of struggling. I think I will be far more kind to my students in the future. I’m always grateful when I see concretely the ways in which I have my head up my ass.

I said I was tired of people lecturing me and I wanted people to only speak for themselves if I hurt their feelings. JesusFuckingChristOnAPogoStick did I get it in spades this week. Oy. I carpooled with a chick and she is needy and insecure and whiny and every day at lunch we had a long chat about the ways in which I was hurting her feelings by things I had said. But yet she continued following me around like a fucking puppy. I don’t understand sometimes. We always talked about it and I explained to her why I said the things I said and we discussed her extreme oversensitivity (her words not mine) and how she can stop assuming that people are constantly trying to put her down and hurt her. She wanted to know how poly works and she wanted to know about libertarianism and… I feel like she is much younger than me despite the fact that she is about 13 years older. There wasn’t a single thing that she could tell me about and I was teaching her things constantly. It was pretty weird at times and I have trouble with that sort of dynamic when the person is much older than me. But holy shit did I get practice with dealing with hurting someone’s feelings and having to work on rewording things so that my message didn’t get lost in the delivery. I suppose that is good. She invited herself to my housewarming. *sigh* I’m actually somewhat proud of myself because she told me that she cheated on her husband and I didn’t respond with my kneejerk scumbag response and I actually talked to her about why and what she wants to do now and stuff. I’m glad that I am growing up enough to not just get pissy with people immidiately about the topic.

Growing up. Yeah, that is one of those things I’ve been thinking about lately. I don’t feel terribly grown up–in fact I feel like I am in some strange regression. I feel incredibly vulnerable and attention needy and I’m not sure how to handle it. This week I was being social with friends and when I started feeling particularly attention needy I walked over to two friends and climbed in their laps and all but said, “Pay attention to me now!!!!” I felt kind of like a lame ass, but they both seemed perfectly happy to stroke my head and talk to me. I appreciated it more than I can express. I am so glad that I have such wonderful friends. I am so grateful for the people in my life. I have a lovely friend who has been defendin my monogamous relationship lately. I find it funnier than hell that I have a defender and even funnier that I need one. I am somewhat bewildered by how many people are talking behind my back about how they believe I am compromising and I won’t really be happy in a monogamous relationship. Frankly, I think that is people showing that they haven’t really known me long. Everyone who has been in my life for many years (and I am talking about firmly entrenched poly people who are very adamant about their lifestyle) think that monogamy is where I am happiest. But everyone has their bias.

I am actually starting to look forward to meeting Puppy’s parents. I hav been talking with his parents on the phone and it is going very well. Apparently I have already won his mother over more than his ex wife ever did. Apparently she is a whole lot like me and appreciates strong, blunt women. This just makes me think, “Oedipus.” *cringe* His father is a whole lot like him and we have hilarious conversations. I am no longer terrified and I appreciate the lack of stress. 🙂

Physically I am feeling better. I am still tired all the time though. I am even managing to nap. Go me! My body is hurting less. I am feeling somewhat pent up and bored, and that is hard to deal with but I am trying to be patient with myself. My friend Mo came over last night and that was awesome. I haven’t seen her in a while and talking with her was wonderful. I really love and respect her and I am reminded of that afresh every so often. Good stuff.

I should stop babbling. But that is kind of the state of the me. 🙂

Romance novel covers mocked. I own like 5 of these books. Two of them I have read within the last week.

http://worldoflongmire.com/features/romance_novels/

http://worldoflongmire.com/features/romance_novels/readers_covers.htm

http://worldoflongmire.com/features/romance_novels/readers_naughty_covers.htm

“Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me. It can only be one word. No more. Then copy & paste this in your journal so that I may leave a word about you.”

If, as you live your life, you find yourself mentally composing LJ entries about it, post this exact same sentence in your Live Journal.

(I am mostly caught up on lj for the last week or so, but I didn’t comment that much. Keeping up is still hard. My brain is beyond fried right now. Apparently being social last night was too much for me. 🙁 My head hurts.)

He decided that for the good of everyone who has to deal with me, he needed to take one for the team and put out last night. My bitchiness was growing exponentially by the day.

It’s pretty funny.

(I still feel really awful though.)

Wow are a lot of people going to think that I am talking about them in particular as I write this one. HA!

(Let me say first I am in a shit-tastic mood. I had a less than ideal day with a moron teacher who treated the room as if they were in the third grade and my head hurts so bad I would be much happier if it was cut off. So I’m going to rant and rave now.)

I got into an argument/discussion about this not too long ago with Noire and we decided that we have very different opinions on the topic. Or rather I decided that and just dropped it because I was tired of arguing. I don’t remember which. But it has come up a fucking lot lately so I’m going to get pissy. One of the main problems I have always had with the fact that I have friends who are much older than me is that they feel they have the right to lecture me. I am told, “I would have been happier if I had learned this at your age” or blah blah blah equivalent. It is rare that someone who is close to me in age seriously lectures me without provacation.

What Noire and I argued about was that I think that if I think someone is fucking up I generally keep my mouth shut about it unless a) they ask my opinion or b) they are a very very very close friend. Anna and Alex. I think those two are the only ones who get my absolute unfettered opinion. Now everyone should pity them. They are the only two people I can think of that I will not hold back on telling them that they are a mother fucking moron if they do ‘x’ and frankly, even they tell me sometimes to shut up. Those are the two people who have been family to me for the longest and they are the people I feel closest to in the world. That gives them priveleges and deficits in dealing with me. Neither of them can fuck up bad enough to get rid of me shy of pointing a gun at me. With everyone else I censor myself. Really. I do. You all have no idea how much judgmental shit comes through my head. Every so often I will slip up and start lecturing someone when I believe it isn’t appropriate. If I realize I am doing it I generally apologize rather profusely because it just isn’t my damn call. Noire believes is that if she feels she can give a person advice/etc that will better their life it is her duty to impart it whether they have asked for it or want it or not. (Did I phrase this properly Noire? This was my understanding.) Wow could I not agree less.

So then we come to the issue of people offering advice and lecturing me. Yeah, I don’t usually ask for it. I’m pretty specific when I want advice and I steel myself to hear things that I won’t like because that is just part of the deal and I know it. It is probably why I don’t ask for advice all that often. Cause I don’t want to fucking hear it. I have been wondering about when it is ok to lecture me (as people have lectured me multiple times lately and I then became flamingly angry) and the answer is: when I ask you for your opinion. Until then? Do not tell me what I should say or how I should say it. Do not tell me what I should do or what I should not do. Last I checked…. yeah. Still an adult.

See, the thing about lecturing me is that I will tolerate it with ill grace from a small selection of people that I love a lot and I have come to expect that kind of behavior from. I still don’t appreciate it. I don’t think it is appropriate. From everyone who is not part of that very small select group? Go fuck yourself. I’m serious. Masturbation is fun and it will distract you from lecturing me and then you will be happy because you are masturbating and I will be far happier because I will not have gotten a lecture I didn’t want to hear.

/rant

It is 7:30 in the morning. I am up, dressed, and ready to go to a class I am dreading in a big way. I feel like shit. My fever is up and down even with Tylenol and Motrin in me. My whole fucking body hurts, I have a seriously enlarged spleen (it’s hard to miss that puppy fucking a), annnnnnnd I started my fucking period so I have cramps from hell on top of the headache, nechache, chest ache, pain in my legs… etc.

And Puppy won’t shoot me. I think he is just being cruel. I really want out of my body and I don’t give a shit how I do it. 🙁

I think I am going to cry.

P.S. Noah: thanks for the fan. I have really appreciated it and used it.

I haven’t heard gunshots in the middle of the night in a long time. There were probably eight shots shot in two shot bursts. There was yelling, I heard: “You fucking bitch” and Puppy heard: “Come on bitch” I suppose the difference reflects part of we ourselves want to hear. There was a woman screaming.

Maybe I should have talked to the police about moving to this neighborhood before I did. The shots were directly in front of our house, but we couldn’t see anything because of the tree.

Ok. I’m awake now.

It turns out my sister was wrong. She had misunderstood my aunt and told me the wrong thing. My aunt was home and I stayed with her on Thursday night. All that panic because my sister got some dates wrong.

I think I’m so over sensitive because my mother would actually do it, and has done about the same thing many times before. I also panicked because I couldn’t get a hold of my aunt. She called me as I was driving south. I should have had more faith in her–she is the only person in my bio family who has never broken a promise to me.

I have to do a five minute presentation tomorrow (Dear God please let me be coherent) and I plan to do one minute of introduction and then have them prewrite for two minutes and then we will discuss the results as a group. This is the overall lesson plan that I will be turning in. It will be one of the last lessons as we cover Hamlet which will be the last play in a larger unit focusing on tragedy. The point of this lesson plan is how do we integrate health topics into general subject matter teaching. My topic is suicide. (That’s obvious awfully fast.)

Do you want to see this?

I was supposed to stay at my Aunt and Uncle’s house tonight so that I don’t have to drive all the way to Santa Cruz in the morning for class. Apparently they aren’t going to be there and they didn’t tell me.

I am really not going to handle sitting in the car for 4 1/2 hours tomorrow in addition to being in class for 8 hours. I am really upset. I hate my family so much. Why do they have to do this to me? I asked them if I could sleep on the fucking couch. It isn’t as if I asked them for something significant. And so they decide that after saying yes that they will take off and go camping instead. Without even telling me.

When I was young my mom read a book about sun signs and it said that Virgoes are usually more susceptible to complaints/illnesses/etc of the stomach. This is interesting to me right now because one of the main ways I am manifesting the mono is all over body soreness and my stomach is hurting really bad. The pain is bad enough to make me feel like I should throw up even though I don’t have any other sensation of nauseau.

How do other Virgoes manifest stuff? Does your stomach get most of your ickiness?

So uhm… Puppy’s illness….

Mono. And I’m pretty sick already.

Shit.

Cause I do that. Puppy and I are flying out of Oakland on July 13th at 10:45pm.
We are arriving at SFO on July 22nd at 11:00pm.

I would appreciate anyone who would be willing to give rides. We could take BART to Oakland, but even getting to BART would be a hassle.

Pooooooor Puppy.

He’s sick. And really dragging.

And I am dancing around the kitchen shaking my ass and singing “carbohydrates” while dancing approximately the salsa.

He kind of looked at me and blinked.

I think that I deserve a little oddness. It has been multiple days since I have had sex.

I have more friends on various anti-depressents/anti-anxiety/etc drugs than I can possibly name. But I wouldn’t call any of them crazy. I have been diagnosed as bipolar (which I would actually like to talk to someone about cause I’m not 100% sure it is an accurate diagnosis) but I don’t really think I am crazy.

So I really don’t think that all people who take such meds are nuts. But there are people who take those meds who are insane.

Where is the line? How totally inappropriate does someone’s behavior have to be before you will consider them unsafe and insane?

Edit:
I am not looking for comments about me. 🙂 I’m pretty comfortable with me right now. I have recently had reason to wonder about a woman who is going to be impacting my life and I am NOT happy about it.

This weekend did not go how I had planned. But such is life. I didn’t make it to the wedding ceremony I meant to go to. I didn’t go to the SF FFF. But my apartment is now suitable for company… well… as long as we close the door to Puppy’s crap in the back room cause he hasn’t unpacked much at all. I swear that he is one of the slowest moving creatures ever born. It took him about three hours to hang pictures on the walls. I didn’t feel the need to tell him that it would have taken me about fifteen minutes. I have no idea why things take him so long. I really just don’t get it.

I am sooooo excited that my apartment is almost clean. Living in a mess makes me crazy. oooh! We also went and got my motorcycle! And it turns out that one of our neighbors is huge into motorcycles and fixing them up and racing and such. He volunteered to help me clean it up and fix all the stuff that needs fixing. YAY!!!!!!! {Side note of snarkiness: Yeah Ken, all Californians are self-absorbed rude twats. Uh huh.) So I have a lovely summer of motorcycle work ahead of me. I am thrilled.

Puppy is Mr. Cranky Pants. He is sick and stressed out by many things right now. I am managing to make him grin every so often and that is good. It’s interesting to adjusting to things between us. In some ways this relationship feels so very comfortable and right and I’m really happy with him. Then we run into a wall of “Oh… actually we haven’t known one another that long…” I found out something about his history on Saturday night that freaked me out. In a big way. He touched on one of my very biggest hot buttons. It resulted in me not really sleeping and being upset. I called Japlady in the morning for a sanity check and she helped me sort out my thoughts a lot. Thank you honey. This lead to a long, productive conversation with Puppy in which we cleared up several issues that have been building. I set up very clear boundaries for myself in regards to someone in his life and clarified the boundaries I have with his other friends. It was necessary.

I hope today isn’t as cranky as yesterday. I’m getting sick too. This does not bode well.

Got crappy news last night. Spent night fussing and not sleeping. Today Puppy and I are both fussy and at odds and ends and we can’t seem to find even keel.

I don’t think they have days like this in Australia. I’m going to go there.