I ended up in Portland instead of Seattle.

Long story.

Off to explore by myself for the first time ever. I’ve been coming here for years and I’ve never been here alone. Very odd.

Wonderful night last night. I’m grateful for good people.

If anyone is in Portland-call me. I’m sure you can get a hold of my #.

Strike that. Reverse it.

So:

Want to blog! Had a good weekend! Saturday was mellow. No Dickens. No Gaskells. Instead party with James. Will tell all about first play experience together later. (Maybe… I could forget. May require poking.)

Sunday: HOLY COW it was a good day. Good conversation to start the day off with really sweet girl I am very happy to know now. Much much much much good flirting towards the end of the day. *swoon* {Dude. I was offered a handjob in exchange for a ride. I was very amused.} I did the last Congress of the day with Mr Copperfield. *drool* Uhm. Must. Dance. With. Boy. Again. oooooh Uhm. and a certain other boy…. uhm…. he can stay. I may not let him get on a plane to go back to New York. *Gasp*

Good day.

Today: must clean room (no other time available between now and Christmas Eve get together! Ack!), must do strike for Fezzis, must go to San Jose and give gifts to ungrateful relatives, must go to Plough, must drive to Davis. For those of you who don’t know distances–THAT’s A LOT OF FREAKIN DRIVING. I’m irritated. Why do all of my commitments need to spread from here to kingdom come? *sigh*

Tomorrow: Drive to Seattle. How exciting. See old friend. Yay!
Wednesday: Shuffle between Seattle friends all day. Yay!
Thursday: Drive home. 🙂
Friday: See chosen family and bake cookies. 🙂
Saturday: collapse. Maybe go see Mommy and Sissy. haven’t decided yet.

When will I blog?!

You guys really need to hear all the juicy, nasty, wonderful details of the sex and play I’ve had in the last few days. Talk about porn. 😀 James can stay. (There is totally going to be an XXX rated posting as soon as I can manage it. I may get horribly, terribly graphic. I can’t wait.)

Miss Jenny got her Christmas present early.

I dragged my sorry, sick butt out of bed and stood in line so that she can have a damn Tivo.

Merry Christmas.

*hack* *cough* *sniffle*

(I need an icon for ‘sick’)

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Krissy
2. Lenora
3. Kristine

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE:
1. boot_slut
2. Justine
3. k_l_archer

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I am intelligent.
2. How quickly I read.
3. That I am determined enough to get done what needs to get done.

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. That I am so unstable. 🙁
2. That I am so insecure.
3. I am overly sensitive.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. German
2. Irish
3. Redneck

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Ants
2. Being alone.
3. The thought that some day I will get bad enough to actually do myself permanent damage.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. The internet.
2. Toothbrush
3. Some sort of human contact.

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. fuzzy slippers.
2. sweat pants.
3. Thunder in the Mountains 2001 t-shirt

THREE THINGS ON YOUR DESK:
I don’t have a desk…

THREE THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST:
1. YAY!!
2. Dude! Wussup!
3.Hey now.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/MUSICAL ARTISTS AT THE MOMENT:
1. Gaelic Storm
2. Pink
3. Rascal Faltts

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITES SONGS AT THE MOMENT:
1. “I’m moving on”- Rascal Flatts.
2. “She was the prize”- Gaelic Storm
3. “All that heaven will allow”- Mavericks

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Going two weeks without sex and being ok with it. No desperation or trying to fill “the void.”
2. Traveling alone and being happy about it.
3. I’m thinking about trying Burning Man.

THREE PEOPLE YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH:
1. Miss Jenny
2. Some sort of communication with James.
3. (I looked at my calendar. I actually don’t spend much time with anyone. 🙁 )

THREE REASONS YOU’VE BROKEN UP WITH EXES:
1. He slapped me.
2. It was the wrong time in our lives for us to be together. Neither of us were ready.
3. There was no spark.
(I picked three people that none of you have known. So :P)

THREE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Honesty
2. A desire for our lives to move in the same direction.
3. D/s

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I have hurt many people.
2. My father and brother are dead.
3. It is my fault.
(Wow, I’m being quite cheerful this morning.)

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSTE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Strength of character- i.e. honor, truthfulness, desire to stand up for oneself.
2. A quirky smile. Nothing melts me faster than a sweet smile that is very individual.
3. Intelligence (what is my thing for engineers?!)

THREE THINGS YOU CAN’T DO:
1. Hula hoop
2. Turn back the clock.
3. Fix my printers. *sigh*

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
1. Dancing. Whatever style- I’m not that picky.
2. Spending time with friends.
3. Traveling with someone I like.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:
1. To not hurt anymore.
2. A chemise and bloomers of my very own.
3. To be done with the MA program.

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING:
1. Teacher
2. no idea
3. I guess I’m boring

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO:
1. Italy
2. Disney World
3. NYC
(I left off currently planned trips.)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Raise children.
2. Live abroad.
3. Own my own home.

So Tom and I leave for Ireland in 22 days. I need to look up the time and such.

This is going to be incredibly weird. I saw him twice this weekend and both times lead to crying. I miss him so much I ache inside. When I think about him at all my whole body wants to convulse. I was with him for a long time. I was so very happy with him in so many ways. There were problems. I’ve been going back and reading my g-blog to remind myself that there were big problems. I’m finding myself wearing rosey glasses when I think of him.

I don’t know how we will behave on this trip. I don’t know what to expect. I have no idea what his ‘rules’ will be by that time with his new partner. I strongly suspect that I will want to live in fantasy land for a week pretending that nothing bad ever happened. We never broke up. That I have never had to feel this agony of being away from him. It isn’t healthy. It isn’t positive. I don’t know how to just be his friend though. I love him so much.

This weekend at the party he and I talked about the Ireland trip. He told me how excited he is about getting to go with me. He didn’t say he was excited about going. He said he was excited about going with me. We talked in a very animated fashion about it and then he leaned in to kiss me. It about broke my heart, but I turned my head and told him that it wasn’t a good idea to do that. His girlfriend was looking at the floor seeming very unhappy. I don’t want to be the reason anything gets in the way of him moving on with his life. And at the flea he was very chatty and affectionate. It was so hard to be the one to tell him that I would leave them to their wandering. I didn’t want to walk away from him. I felt like I was dying inside. I don’t know how to “get over” him. I have loved him with every part of me for so long.

I miss being the One. I miss being his One. Right now I feel like filler. I’m not that important to anyone in any way.

god this hurts.

Yeah, cause only some of you want to see this.

The only way I got through last night of meeting Tom’s girlfriend was I got high. A few friends are pot heads and they’ve been offering me pot for years. I finally took them up on it. When I first walked outside to talk to them I burst into tears. I sobbed for like five minutes after meeting Tom’s new girl. She really is gorgeous. She has a body to die for. 🙁 I couldn’t pull off a dress like that. I’m really glad I didn’t half ass ‘dress’ for the party. If I would have gone full out I would have been ok, or staying in Dickens stuff was ok.

I’m not sure how I feel about starting to depend more on chemicals, but I ended up having fun last night when I didn’t think I would. I’m ok with that.

Last night I did something that scared the ever-lovin-shit out of me. I went to the second Saturday party that I’ve been going to forever and ever. Well, at least since I was 18. 🙂 Tom had his new girl. I knew he would be bringing his new girl. She is prettier than me. 🙁 And she seems very nice. I didn’t really talk to her, but I thought I was doing well to even smile at her last night. I know I should be glad that he got to trade up, but it is hard.

I managed to keep it together for the two hours I was there. A friend asked me to play. There was just no way. It is going to be very hard to be happy and supportive of his new relationship, but damnit. I’ll manage. I love him very much and I want him to be happy. If she will make him happy, then that is what he should be doing right now.

He told me how much he has been looking forward to our Ireland trip together. We leave in 24 days. Oh my God that is soon. By the time we leave we will have been broken up for almost 5 months. That is a while. It is going to be very odd. I wonder how we will interact on the trip. I miss him so much. It will be hard to be at all distant during the trip.

He wants me to bring both Ted and Edmund along on the trip. He was very amused when I got excited about being able to bring more than just a backpack. Ok, so I was being a retard. Oh well.

After months of having as much sex as I could possibly have and basically no sm play… dude. Now I have had so many offers of sm play for the next few weeks that it is blowing my mind. The sex is slowing down to a trickle. I’m almost being monogamous. Dude. Have to fix that.

I have missed sm. I still don’t really have any D/s and I’m trying to be ok with that.

I lent someone the book: Boundaries: Where you end and I begin.

I have no idea who. Can someone please speak up and/or give it back?

*beeeep*

These are the final overall grades for the kids for the unit:

87.75
66.65
72.55
79.7
83.85
60.65
66.95
81.9
88.45
82.4
84.2
92.55
90.15
94.45
78.95
46.95
89.85
87.15
92.9
84.6
69.55
72.55
86.85
78.15
90.9
92.1
81.1
96.15
91.35
86.15
85
87.1
88.85

The one really bad grade is the kid who didn’t turn in an essay (40% of the grade).

So, Miss Jenny would like an ipod or a digital camera for Christmas. I’m on the poor side so I can’t just pony up to either gift. Would anyone like to go in with me?

*snuggles*

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/Poly/Labriola/jealousy.html

I wasn’t in the mood to do it, but I passed a place selling Christmas trees on my way home and I stopped and got one. It is a nice tree. It took me forever to get it into the house from my car. Depression is seriously kicking my ass right now.

Eventually it got inside and I slowly put lights on it. By this point Miss Jenny arrived home. We got out our decorations and did the rest of the tree together and put stuff up around the house. It was good. We also talked about the drama. She pointed out that she hasn’t asked me to do anything. I know. I have this little problem with feeling like I am responsible for other people’s well being. >:-| Not so good I know. Thank you for the reminder ribbin. I don’t think I am going to do anything else to try and resolve the situation. I can’t get anything from it but feeling bad, so I should stay away from it.

I got in some badly needed snuggles tonight. Oh crap! I left my food there! (I just realized this. I’m sorry you guys! I didn’t mean to! I was kinda sleepy and out of it when I stumbled out…)

I’m not all better, but I’m working on it. Baby steps.

I hurt my mother this morning. She asked me how I was doing and I told her that I was upset and frustrated because I don’t know what I’m doing for Christmas now. She said in a very small voice that I could go there. Things with my family are better than they have ever been, but I think most of that is because I avoid them so deliberately and frequently. Christmas with them is never what I want from Christmas. I dislike hurting her though. 🙁

If I am a very good girl tomorrow I will do all the research for my annotated bibliography tomorrow between teaching and class. (I have like 3 hours to find 13 sources that talk about the cultural impact of fairy or folk tales.) I can start writing the annotations tomorrow night while I do laundry. I also need to drop off dry cleaning. I need to write the paper for my lit presentation tomorrow as well. I would really like to finish both assignments tomorrow so that I can concentrate on grading papers on Friday and over the weekend. Then I can do my summary paper (about student teaching) on Monday. Then I can do my beyond lesson on “Romeo and Juliet” on Tuesday after class. Then I can finish my huge monster lesson plan assignment on Tuesday and Wednesday and finish that paper by Friday and email it to the teacher. Then I will be done for the semester. (Oh, and don’t forget dancing at Dickens Fair this weekend. And going shopping for food for that. And James’ office Christmas party Saturday. I just sent an email canceling the dinner I was going to have with a friend on Friday. Not this weekend.)

Who has pity for me? Lets see how much sleep I get during the next week. *flop*

Saying and hearing nice things is good for the soul.

Say something nice about me.
I’ll say something nice about you.

And then post this meme in your own journal, so your friends can say nice things about you, and you can say nice things about them.

Hey ya’ll let’s share the love.

People.

Seriously.

You have to read Monk’s journal. I’m so serious. Down a bit he has pictures of his cock with a freakin sombrero. Ok, cock shots are normally not interesting, but this is to die for.

I’m not sure how I will calm down enough to go to sleep.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

I am a stupid petty bitch.

I have a pathological attachment to people who matter to me. I hold on to friends for long after they fit with my life. Why in the hell do I still know Brittney? Why do I love Anna so much? Why am I letting so much go now?

It seems as though this year has been about leaving things behind. I have found new people to bond with. The dance community; I’m starting to find burners as well. I haven’t been spending much time with the bdsm crowd. I rarely see my theatre friends. I have somehow reconnected with people I knew in high school though in a peripheral way.

I feel like this has been a year of beginnings and endings. Dancing, bdsm, relationships, friendships….

I don’t know what is going to happen. I’m not feeling dependable or stable. And it hurts.

1. Age: 23
2. Gender: Female
3. Highest grade of school completed: B.A.
4. Racial/Ethnic background: White
5. Sexual Orientation: Bisexual
6. Have you ever been legally married to a man? No
Are you legally married now? No
7. Have you ever been sexually attracted to a woman/to women? Yes
If yes, at what age were you first attracted? 5
8. Have you ever had sex with a female? Yes
If yes, how old were you when you had your first genital sex with a female? 7
9. How many female sexual partners have you had in all? 14
How many female sexual partners have you had in the last year? 6
Of your female sex partners, how may were also romantic/love relationships? 2
10. Have you ever been sexually attracted to a man/to men? Yes
If yes, at what age were you first attracted? 5
11. Have you ever had sex with a male? Yes
If yes, how old were you when you had your first genital sex with a male? 12
12. How many male sexual partners have you had in all? 44
How many male sexual partners have you had in the last year? 19 (I include people with whom I only have oral sex.)
Of your male sex partners, how may were also romantic/love relationships? 9 (And this is a liberal definition of romantic relationship. Relationships that have lasted more than 6 weeks: 5.)
13. Think of all the sexual attractions you’ve had, whether you had sex with them or not.
Were they to:Both men and women
14. Think of all the sexual attractions you’ve had IN THE LAST YEAR.
Were these attractions to: Both men and women
15. Have you ever had any of the following diseases or conditions? Please check any you have EVER had:
Abnormal Pap Smear
Genital warts (HPV)
Now please check any that are STILL problems: (I’ve been in the clear for just shy of two years.)
16. Have you ever participated in any of these sexual activities with women?
Kissing/Deep kissing
Touching, caressing, and rubbing bodies
Touching genitals
Receiving oral sex
Giving oral sex
Finger(s) in vagina
Finger(s) in rectum
Use of dildos, vibrators, other sex toys
Spanking
Bondage
Other BDSM
Other (Anything I can think of.)
17. Have you ever participated in any of these sexual activities with men?
Kissing/Deep kissing
Touching, caressing, and rubbing bodies
Touching genitals
Receiving oral sex
Giving oral sex
Penis in vagina
Penis in rectum
Finger(s) in vagina
Finger(s) in rectum
Use of dildos, vibrators, other sex toys
Spanking
Bondage
Other BDSM
Other (Anything I can think of.)
18. The following is a list of sexual problems women can have. Please place a check next to each of them that you have ever had on an ongoing basis (more than occasionally):
Pain during vaginal penetration
Trouble lubricating
Sex not pleasurable, even if it is not painful
Feel anxious about sexual performance
Feel guilty about sex
Feel more desire than partner
19. About how often do you have sex with another person? One or more times per week
20. About how often do you masturbate? One or more times a week
21. On average, how often do you think about sex? More than once a day
22. Do you identify with the kink/leather/BDSM community? Yes
23. Do you consider yourself polyamorous (participate in ‘open relationships’)? Yes
24. Where would you put yourself on the following scale? Somewhat “femme”
25. Are you currently in a primary relationship? No
Please answer the following questions only if you are currently in a primary relationship:

(I didn’t answer any, but I left the possibilities up here for ya’ll to see.)
26. How long have you been in your current relationship (in years)?

27. Do you live together? Yes No

28. In the last year, about how often did you and your partner have sex? Select One Once a day or more One or more times per week One or more times per month Less than once a month Never

29. How often do you have sex only because your partner wants it? Select One Rarely/never Occasionally Often Mostly/always

30. When you have sex, how often do you start without feeling sexual desire, but then feel desire later, once you “get into it”? Select One Rarely/never Occasionally Often Mostly/always

31. When you and your partner have sex, do you usually orgasm? Yes No

32. When you and your partner have sex, does your partner usually orgasm? Yes No

33. How emotionally satisfying is your relationship? Select One Extremely Moderately Slightly Not at all

34. How sexually satisfying is your relationship? Select One Extremely Moderately Slightly Not at all

35. How physically affectionate is your relationship? Select One Extremely Moderately Slightly Not at all

36. Overall, how satisfying is your relationship? Select One Extremely Moderately Slightly Not at all

37. How long does a typical sexual encounter with your partner last? Select One less than 10 minutes 10-30 minutes 30-60 minutes More than 1 hour

38. Which of the following sexual activities are likely to occur in a typical sexual encounter with your partner?
Kissing/Deep kissing
Touching, caressing, and rubbing bodies
Touching genitals
Receiving oral sex
Giving oral sex
Penis in vagina
Penis in rectum
Finger(s) in vagina
Finger(s) in rectum
Use of dildos, vibrators, other sex toys
Spanking
Bondage
Other BDSM
Other

39. During this relationship, have you had outside sexual partners? Yes No
If yes, pick one: Female Male Both
If yes, did your partner know about and agree to this outside sex? Yes No

40. How many children live in your household, if any?

————————————————————————–
I found this at: http://www.ipgcounseling.com/survey.html I encourage women to go take it.

I just turned someone down for a date. His response:
“I’m sorry, but not surprised, to hear that you are busy. I realize it is kind of the last minute, but I thought I’d give it a shot before everyone was wrapped uo in the holidays. I won’t make the offer explicitly again but you have a rain check. Just let me know when you’d like to cash it.”

Nothing pushy or whiny or guilt tripping in that.

If I ever have spare time, he is so getting a call.

I have decided that James is my Daddy-type person. He isn’t my Daddy. That would require negotiations. I can hijack him into the Daddy-type person role without his consent though.

Noah is still my wonderful, patient, long-suffering boyfriend. It is amazing that he is putting up with my shit.