Who is sick?

What kind of sick?

It was stated that everyone is sick. I want to know what kind of misery I am sharing.

I don’t have time to be sick. I have homework to do, cleaning to do, not to mention lots of boys to do. I have a play scheduled for this Friday and a Ren Faire all weekend. Please God, let me feel better by tomorrow or there is no freakin way I should go to the Ren Faire. 🙁

I don’t wanna miss out on fun!!!!!!!!!!!! It would suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate hurling. 🙁

I must be sending off some very weird sort of pheromones today. I was driving home from class and not one, but two guys started up conversations when I was sitting at stop lights. Both of them asked me to follow them. WTF?! Uhh… I didn’t follow either of them. I was more than a little freaked out by it happening twice within 3 minutes though.

Noah and I had a chat last night. A lot of it centered around defining what is wrong with me. I really and truly love these conversations. He puts things into perspective for me.

So right now I’m pondering where my focus is. How I’m choosing to spend my time. What kind of disfunctional I am. What kind of disfunctional do I encourage other people to be?

As he says- “You have all the positives that come with being crazy, only you aren’t.” How is this manifesting in my life?

What do I want? Who do I want? On one hand, it is fabulous to have choices. On the other hand… choices are scary and overwhelming.

My gorgeous friend Mo is in a play.

I want to go on Saturday November 13th because it is the only Saturday night I have available… Really sad, I know. I’m so busy. Frightning.

Anyone want to come with me?

I was sitting around thinking this morning (instead of paying attention in class) about the boys in my life.

I am sooooooooooooo lucky. I like my Noah. I like my James. (How in the hell did he become my James so fast?! Dude. I am going slower in my head than he is. Most frightning.) I’m in love and in lust and really enamored and twitterpated and… yeah. Good stuff.

Uhm. Other boys are uhm. Not so easy right now. Time is a limited commodity unfortunately. No wonder so many people tell me they have a hard limit of two at a time. I’m not giving up on having options though. Damnit! Like boys! Want more fun! Hm. Sleep isn’t necessary, is it? I can find more time for fun somewhere… Oh wait. I’m already not sleeping enough.

hmmm…. 🙂

I need to devote some quality time to more icons. If a cute boy thinks I should have more icons, more icons I shall have.

Yesterday I flaked on the SF munch and plans with friends because my stomach hurt and I had a horrible headache. I wandered around in circles putting stuff away all day instead. Uhm… progress was made I suppose… I apologize to those I flaked on. I wanted to see you both. 🙁

I haven’t been going to play parties lately. I used to go to this one party every first Saturday for three straight years. Now… I haven’t been much in the last nine months. Dancing was the first thing that I was ever willing to skip the event for. I haven’t been to this party in six months. At around eight o’clock I realized that I should get off my ass if I was going to go. I didn’t really want to go, but I had RSVP’ed and I haven’t seen any of them in forever.Many friends were very happy about seeing me. I haven’t been going to the munch either, and now I really won’t go to that munch anymore (it’s in Sunnyvale. I don’t think so.)

I showed up a little after nine and left a bit after eleven. I am such a party animal. I figured that I would just be socializing and snuggling a little with these people that I have loved for years. Well, it was almost true. Until L told me to follow him to the kitchen. Then he had me wash his hands for him (ok, that was kinda hot). Then we went into one of the other rooms and he fucked with my mouth for a long time. I really really like being controlled by my mouth. It is one of my secret hot buttons. (Secret as in: not mentioned in the users guide.) Being controlled by my mouth is one of the fastest ways to get me into a submissive headspace. I get wet. I feel like I totally belong to the person who is using me. Very powerful stuff. We played like that for a while and then he went and got knives and hurt me for a while. *swoon* And I didn’t think I was going to play! 🙂 The goal of this scene, as stated by him, was to make me scream. Yay. I do like boys who want to make me scream. I talked to people for a little while after the scene and then I went on my way home.

Sleeping alone is ok. I am now up to four nights by myself alone in my bed in this apartment. (not that I am keeping track) I’m falling asleep ok if I cling tightly to Ted and Edmund. I haven’t woken up in the middle of the night yet. The hard part right now is when I wake up in the morning. That was the traditional time for Tom and I to snuggle. 🙁 Instead, I am getting out of bed way early and getting stuff done. Not a horrible thing.

Y = Yes (or yes, again), M = maybe, N = No, = = decline to state.

( ) go out with me?
( ) give me your number?
( ) let me kiss you?
( ) have sex with me?
( ) play an SM scene with me?
( ) watch a movie with me… even a really sappy one?
( ) let me take you out to dinner?
( ) drive me somewhere/anywhere?
( ) take a shower with me?
( ) be my gf/bf?
( ) have a fling with me?
( ) listen to me if I called you, crying, even if you were out with all of your friends?
( ) buy me a drink if I didn’t have money?
( ) take me home for the night?
( ) let me sleep in your bed?
( ) sing car karaoke with me?
( ) sit in the doctors office with me because I didn’t want to go alone?
( ) re-post this for me to answer your questions?
( ) come and pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of petrol in the middle of nowhere?

Screened comments if you want them to be.

I don’t like this one very much.

Today I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond. I spent $22. I got:

2 new sets of sheets. (I had two so far, but they are both in cruddy shape and I hate hate hate the green set. Damn clingy knit crap.)
Toilet bowl brush (not exciting but way necessary)
3 new towels: one blue, one green, one PINK. Guess who gets the pink one?
Drawers for under my bathroom sink. I need to organize my schtuff.
A new comb that will hang better in my shower than the one in there right now. It falls down a lot. Ickiness.
A new scrubby loofah thing. The one I have now… uhmmmmm I’ve had it a while. Needs go bye bye.
3 bars of vanilla scented soap cause I like it and damnit I can have a girly bathroom now.
3 vanilla sachets for keeping in with blankets/closet/drawer places. 🙂
A new hamper cause the one I have is too small and very very broken.

Ok, so I spent $22. But I got all of this through the generosity of two very wonderful, fabulous people. I appreciate your willingness to give me such a generous gift for my birthday. Most of these things I don’t “need” but they certainly make my life a bit better. I spent a few hours in the store trying to figure out how best to spend the money to get the most for what I had and I am really happy about the purchases.

I would have just sent an email, but I only have the girl one’s email. The boy one should read this too. I love you both. Thank you.

James asked me to come over tonight. It will make my already heinous commute longer. It will mean skipping Pryanksters. It will mean leaving S&P early.

dude.

I’m going to do it. *sigh* Girls are such silly creatures.

Suicide Tuesday came and went. I’m still smiling. I’m still happy. Life is all spiffy and such. I’m still ok with the break up. Things are in a strange sort of settling in. I happier about most everything than I thought I would/could be.

I’m tempted to wait for the other shoe to drop and for depression to sink in.

Nawww. I’ll just keep smiling and singing and feeling all kinds of loved. I’m going to be ok. I’ll keep on keeping on.

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

– Theodor Seuss Geisel aka Dr. Suess
Pondering and such

I got distracted while doing homework, so I didn’t have time to write up my report of my first BM event. I didn’t get a chance to write a long story about my first experience with Ecstasy. I didn’t get a chance to tell you all about all the really yummy sex I had.

Bummer.

Maybe I will write it up in class and post it when I next have internet access. 🙂

He isn’t coming home tonight.

Right at this minute,

I would rather slit my wrists than continue packing.

How can I leave.

I don’t post what http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes tells me very often, but I like this week.

“In countries where large percentages of the population believe in hell, there seems to be less corruption and a higher standard of living,” concluded a study by the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis. My translation: Many people are motivated to do the right thing out of primal dread. I bring this up, Virgo, because it is critical for you to wean yourself of any attraction you might have to letting fear serve as a central motivator. I’m happy to report that in the coming months, you will have an unprecedented opportunity to retrain yourself to do just that. By September 2005, your quest for success and goodness could very well be inspired primarily by your love of life.”

I do have an unprecedented opportunity. I am already already making steps toward living my life for reasons other than fear. Breaking up with Tom was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It scared the stuffing out of me. I did it because I had to. We weren’t good for one another. I’m moving out earlier than strictly necessary because it is the best thing to do. I’m terrified.

I’m going to keep on keeping on. I had a necklace when I was little. It was a gold heart. Around the periphery it said over and over, “Live to Love to Live to Love” so that you couldn’t tell which word was supposed to be the first one. I’ve never been able to get it out of my head. I don’t know whether I live in order to have the opportunity to love or if I love to live. There is also a country song (isn’t there always) “Love to be wanted” the chorus is:
“Do you love to be wanted or want to be loved
When you let your hair down and push comes to shove
Is all that I have always enough
Do you love to be wanted or want to be loved”

Sometimes I hear that in my head and I wonder. I know that I have gotten a lot of attention in the past year. I know that I have encouraged it. I have thought over and over in my life that I just want to be loved. Is it true though? Do I want to be loved or do I just love to be wanted in order feed my over weening ego?

I ramble too much when I don’t want to pack. *sigh*

http://www.xeromag.com/fvmonopoly.html

The National Boycott for Equality on Oct. 8th.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Dale Duncan (757) 257-6215
dsd@boycottforequality.org

Gays and Lesbians to Withdraw Cash from Banks October 8 – Could Total Billions

Atlanta, GA, September 22, 2004 – Organizers of the Boycott For Equality are expanding their nationwide walkout to include a coordinated cash withdrawal from the economy on October 8.

To demonstrate the need for equality in marriage and the workplace, Straight and Gay supporters will each take out $80 from their local ATM.

Boycott For Equality expects the action will exhaust the cash in many ATMs, leaving a reminder of gay economic power to all who try to use them throughout the long bank weekend.

To further drive home the lessons taught during the Boycott, participants should refer to the Boycott when communicating with their elected representatives, particularly when candidates ask for money to fund their campaigns.

“Let them know you participated in the Boycott” explained Duncan. “Just take your ATM receipt, cross out your account number, circle your balance, write GAY MONEY on it and mail it to campaign headquarters in the postage paid envelope they provide. They’ll get the message that nobody in America can be taken for granted.”

The amount represents the amount the average member of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) community contributes to the US economy each day, and could grow beyond the $1.4 billion that LGBT workers contribute each day – more than $500 billion each year according to computations by Washington D.C.-based public relations firm Witeck-Combs Communications.

The walkout combines several actions highlighting the various ways that Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) Citizens contribute to the economy on a regular basis.

Other components of the Boycott include a one-day work stoppage or “pink flu” day to make employers and colleagues aware of their gay and lesbian employees and what it would be like without them; a moratorium on spending for goods and services such as gas, food and clothing, to show retailers what would happen if 7% of their revenue goes away; closures by sympathetic businesses to make their customers aware of how dependent Americans are upon each other; and a halt to cell phone use to spread the message to the many people every American communicates with each day, that marginalizing gay and lesbian citizens is not good for business.

Close to fifty businesses and 15,000 people have already pledged to participate using the online forms at the group’s web site. Some major groups that have endorsed or encouraged Boycott For Equality Day include Don’t Amend: The Equality Campaign, The Advocate magazine, Civil Marriage US, several local PFLAG chapters, DC Diversity, Equality Illinois and Wyoming Equality.

Additionally, Boycott For Equality is listed on Margaret Cho’s Marriage Equality Resource Site, www.loveisloveislove.com, as one of the things people can do to fight for the issue of Marriage Equality.

“We have had almost one million visitors to our web site. If just one tenth of those people are able to participate, we will have united to send a powerful message to those who stand in the way of economic growth” said Dale Duncan, co-founder of Boycott For Equality. “For many people, such as those who would be fired for participating in the walkout, this is the only way they will be able to express their frustration at obstacles to fairness.”

In at least 36 states it is still legal to fire some one because of their sexuality – even if they never bring it into the workplace. And nowhere in the United States are these taxpayers able to file joint federal income tax, combine tax deductions, or access their partner’s social security or disability benefits.

The actions were chosen so that they could be performed anonymously, yet demonstrate on a personal level how valuable LGBT citizens are to the community. They are also measurable and open to participation by an unlimited number of straight allies.

“Across the country, more than 80% of Americans support equal job opportunities for lesbians and gays” says Duncan. “These are people who understand how discrimination hurts their bottom line, and are willing to help their friends and colleagues secure basic rights and freedoms.”

———–

Boycott For Equality is an Atlanta-based non-profit formed to promote the boycott, scheduled this year for October 8. For that day, GLBT Americans and their straight allies are encouraged to withdraw from the economy in four specific areas:

1) Stay home from work. Do not generate payroll taxes, income taxes or add to the economy. If you run a business, let your customers
know by closing for the day.
2) Withdraw $80 from your bank account at an ATM.
3) Don’t shop. Do not generate sales tax or business revenue.
4) Hang up your cell phone. Your silence will affect your whole communications network.
=================================================================
http://www.boycottforequality.org/

From the website:
When?
Friday, October 8, 2004

1) Withdraw from your ATM. We are asking GLBT citizens to withdraw $80 from their bank accounts on that Friday and hold the cash in their pockets. This is the symbolic average daily contribution of gay people to the economy. There are an estimated 17 million GLBT citizens with a daily spending power of $1.4 billion, equivalent to $500 billion annually! On Saturday, October 9, either redeposit the money into your account, OR spend it at a local GLBT friendly business.

Why?
On February 24, 2004, the President of the United States declared war on gay/bisexual/transgendered Americans when he decided to support a Constitutional Amendment banning Same-Sex Marriage denying us over 1000 rights and responsibilities that all other Americans currently enjoy.

In addition, the Congress and State Legislatures have refused numerous attempts to pass employment non-discrimination laws. The discriminatory Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy continues to make a mockery of the service of lesbian and gay service people, when other democracies (i.e. Great Britain) allow gays to serve in the military.

GLBT citizens pay taxes everyday to support our government and society, just like heterosexual citizens. As such, we will no longer be treated as second-class citizens without the full protection of the law in employment non-discrimination or legal status in marriage, adoption or other rights. We should be able to serve our country with distinction without fear of discharge.

Gay people do not choose to be gay — who would logically choose to be despised by the majority. We do not choose to be homosexual any more than straights decide to be heterosexual. Left-handed people do not choose to be different than the right-handed majority — they just are!

I can’t see how this will work. . .
We can only have an impact if we get the word out and participate. Imagine the discussions that will occur if there is a significant amount of press leading up to those two days. Imagine if Broadway shut down for the day. Imagine if brides could not find florists for their weddings for those days. Imagine if people could not get appointments to get their hair cut that day. Imagine law enforcement officers not on their normal patrols. Imagine the conversations in classrooms at schools across America if teachers and principals didn’t show up to work that Friday. Imagine the discussions in Board Rooms and at the water coolers in corporations all over the country if major players don’t show up. Imagine the power that gays and lesbians who, for personal reasons, have chosen to stay in the closet will feel by quietly participating in this boycott.

Near as I can tell, this is legitimate. I ask that people who agree with this type of protest to pass along the word.

Sometimes I really am pretty stupid. I just locked myself out of the house. So I put a board against the fence, shimmied up it. Scampered across the roofs of the outbuildings in the next yard over. Jumped down into yet another yard. Ran across their lawn and out their gate. Got around the building and found our hidden key.

I feel like Catwoman.