I have been having a pondering. This time the pondering is about “perfect” and standards for partners. Bear with me as I ramble…

A few years ago I wrote in a post to a local bdsm mailing list talking about how I felt like Tom was trying to push me into a mold to be the partner he wanted. He already owned clothing, shoes, collars… how convenient that they were all my size! It seemed like he had been auditioning people to find someone to fit into his perception of perfect. At the time I wrote fairly extensively about how much that hurt me and I felt devalued because he didn’t love me for my individuality, he wanted just a body to fill his fetish items.

A lot of time has gone by since then though. Do we still own the pairs of shoes he had pre-me? Maybe. I’m not sure. I know we talked about getting rid of them because of how hurt I felt by their very existence. (He passed these shoes through several partners.) But I actually think they are still in a box in a closet somewhere in the house. They stopped being important. I stopped worrying about the “slut of the day collar.” I have been with Tom for 4 years. I have 30+ pairs of shoes, most of which were purchased because he might like them. It makes him smile and it makes him hard for me to wear them–so why not? We have a collection of collars more extensive than any single fetish supplier I have ever seen. Dude, we are really into collars. These days I barely ever wear one. I would be hard pressed to remember the last time I wore a collar. They stopped being significant between us when the M/s went away. Although I have put my foot down about him doing D/s play with other people, he is free to use collars with them, well as long as he uses the collars that pre-date me. He can’t use my collars on anyone else and I would never ever put his collar on someone else. It wouldn’t feel right. So, does this mean I have just “gotten over” feeling upset by his fetishes? Have I *gasp in horror* grown up? Please Lord, say it isn’t so!!!

I have been thinking about this because I spend a lot of time in the car. Berkeley is a bloody long drive on Monday nights! One of the many odd day dreams that has occupied my mind is the concept of a “perfect” partner. Given that I’m trying poly (so far really successfully) I almost feel guilty for trying to imagine “the one,” but hey–I’m human. I have been kind of designing this person in my head using personal ad speak. If I were going to place an ad looking for my perfect partner, what would I ask for? I need someone who can talk. I would like someone who is very handy to have around because I admire that in a person. I want someone who can play and be silly in Disneyland. I want someone who wants to travel with me. I want someone who is really really smart in ways that I am not so that we can share our various areas of expertise and further enrich one another. I need someone who can be Dominant, well… at least in bed. [I’m learning that Dominance elsewhere in my life is not quite as important as I once thought. hm.] I need someone who is patient with me. I need someone who can handle the fact that I wake up in the middle of the night very upset and I need to be coaxed back to sleep sometimes. I need someone who can be my Daddy when I am very upset. I need someone who understands that I like chasing Bright Shiny Things and chasing those things don’t mean that I want to leave or that I won’t come home. I need someone who wants sex! Who wants to initiate sex! Yay sex! (This is a harder requirement than one might think.) I want someone who wants to tie me up! I want someone who wants to beat the snot out of me! (This is a harder requirement than one might think.) I want someone who will dance with me. I want someone who will think I am the greatest thing since sliced bread, oh except when I’m being a dork. But I’m ok then too. I want someone who is confident enough in themself to call me on my shit. I should not be allowed to indulge in my penchance for picking on people. I know I do it, I try not to, I do it anyway sometimes. Someone should love themself enough to stand up to me about it. I will really respect you more for it. I want someone who wants to go to bdsm conferences with me and show off. I want someone who wants to dress me up and have me look pretty. I want…

Hey wait. So far I am describing an amalgamation of Tom and Noah and DA. hm. Maybe I should stick with poly.

Does this mean that I am bad though? That I have ideals that I want people to live up to? Am I being controling? Am I just trying to fit a body into being what I want instead of liking the person for who they are? Or have my ideals come about because of liking the people I have in my life? I’m not sure how marriage and kids will fit into this though. I’m kind of scared to think about it. Deliberate community is a concept I’m thinking about more and more. It is tweaking my neurons. Let me tell you, 5 years ago I would never have believed I would be interested in this crazy hippy shit. oy.

We are going to:

Capitol Drive-in
Capitol Expressway& Snell Avenue, San Jose, CA 95136 (408)2262251

We are seeing:
King Arthur – 9:00 PM
Around the World in 80 Days – 11:35 PM

I think people should join us. *nod* Call me if you want to!

Where do you fall on the liberal – conservative political spectrum? (United States)
brought to you by Quizilla

So I googlism’ed (what a word) my real first name and I’m not sure I like the results.

I just can’t pick only 20. Ya’ll will see why…

1. Go to Googlism http://www.googlism.com/
2. Enter your first name into the search box and Googlism! yourself.
3. Pick the twenty BEST responses, and list them.
4. Bold your favorite of the BEST

I guess I’m a porn star…

http://mistressmatisse.blogspot.com/ The entry for July 1st. It started off being about Bill Clinton, and then the comments… uhm… went down hill.

I did it….

I finally put another hole in my body. It’s fun. Yay!!!

I know I have friends who would fall into these gaps…

http://c.barberini.home.att.net/womens_stories.html

Updates

01/22/04. I have interviewed 20 women. The response has been huge and enthusiastic, which is great. I have made contact with women here in the Bay Area and all over the country, ranging in age and background. I have started networking to determine the best publishing route.

01/31/04. I get asked if there are gaps in the distribution of women who are responding. I’m getting women of all ages, so that’s not an issue. The gaps that are emerging include: women of color, and women who didn’t have to fight an early homophobic environment. I will advertise shortly in other venues to get women like this, but feel free to spread the word if you know anyone in these categories.

02/25/04. I have interviewed 60 women. I am still adding women to my list. The question is turning out to be as rich and complex as I had anticipated. I am very much enjoying this project. The gaps that I currently have are: women of color, and women over 65.

06/14/04. I have interviewed 114 women. I still have gaps with women of color and women over 65 (as well as women under 30); I could also use more bisexual women. I am putting together a sample chapter so that I can begin talking with publishers.

You are an SEDF–Sober Emotional Destructive Follower. This makes you an evil genius. You are extremely focused and difficult to distract from your tasks. With luck, you have learned to channel your energies into improving your intellect, rather than destroying the weak and unsuspecting.

Your friends may find you remote and a hard nut to crack. Few of your peers know you very well–even those you have known a long time–because you have expert control of the face you put forth to the world. You prefer to observe, calculate, discern and decide. Your decisions are final, and your desire to be right is impenetrable.

You are not to be messed with. You may explode.

Apparently I’m hitting the goth club in Mountain View tonight. Hm… Ok. Hey Miss Morte, will you deign to make an appearance so I can worship your loveliness? Anyone else interested?

Info for those who want:
Doors at 9pm
21+ with ID
Free before 10pm
$4 after

King of Clubs
893 Leong Dr.
Mountain View, CA

I will be there between 10 and 10:30.

I’m debating dressing up, even though the website http://www.clubadrenochrome.com/index.php does not show other people dressing up. I just don’t wear enough latex in life…. hmmm

This was an incredibly hard weekend on many levels. *sigh* I manage to get involved with some of the highest drama people. dude. I am involved with this woman, Katie. She is a really nifty and wonderful person. I adore her. I can’t imagine a more fantastic woman. *sigh* She recently split up with her wife of several years because her wife is an awful, selfish, horrible person. Ok, no one is all one-sided, but what I’ve seen of the bitch… I really don’t like. She doesn’t deserve Katie at all. But I digress.

Friday night I stopped by a vanilla party. It was interesting. I felt like I was being awful and inappropriate the whole time. I wasn’t really sure what I was doing/saying wrong… but I felt wrong. I left really early (I was the first person to arrive and I ended up leaving within 10 minutes of other people showing up) because I was supposed to go up to the city to meet up with Katie at a dyke event. I went to the wrong BART station and had issues on the drive up and I got to the event an hour and a half late. I felt stupid and lame and irritated with myself. I managed to find Katie pretty quickly actually, totally accidently. She looked very hot, as usual, but I think she was seriously drunk because her behavior was really off. She was wearing a cute little latex cowgirl outfit. She had a toy gun. She kept pointing the gun at me. I didn’t say anything to her, but that is a huge thing for me. I was really upset about it. She tried to fuck my mouth with the gun and didn’t pick up on the signals that it wasn’t ok with me. *sigh* Eventually I went back to my friends house to crash. (She let me use her apartment over the weekend as a home base. What a good friend.) I didn’t sleep much. We were upstairs from one of the dyke bars in town. Wow was that obnoxious. Then the sun came up right through the window and I couldn’t sleep.

I called wonderful Anthony and he picked me up on his way to the San Francisco Free Folk Festival. We had breakfast then danced the day away. Yay fun. That was the highlight of my weekend. I had an amusing time on public transit on the way back to my friends before heading to the dyke march. I ran into a few people I know and enjoyed catching up with them for a little while. I found Katie and her friend. That was fun for a little while. Then Katie ran into her ex-wife. *sigh* Huge drama. Crying for like half an hour. Even after she was done crying, she was morose. Not a big shock. I didn’t manage to finish the whole march because I hadn’t eaten since breakfast and I was about to fall down. Dancing all day then walking for a long time on an empty stomach was too much for me. I called a boy I’m seeing who wanted to go out after the march. He brought his dinner date along and the five of us hung out at a dyke bar. It was amusing. Katie ended up hooking up with a woman she works with and ignoring the group. The dinner date was spending time with her ex-girlfriend at the end of the bar. I felt bad about kind of ditching Katie’s friend as I sort of wandered off with the boy I was interested in. Stupid complications about getting people home and eventually he and I decided that we were skipping the fence sitters ball and we went to his house. We played then crashed.

We woke up and had sex. It was nice. I like him. He’s great. I won’t be terribly involved with him for much longer so the attention right then was fun. (He mostly only sees other people when his wife goes on vacations, and she comes home soon. She is really great and I am not going to pursue him much when she is around because she doesn’t like seeing it.) We went over to the pride parade. That was fun. There was lame issues around trying to deal with the motorcycle helmets, but I handled it. I watched the parade alone. It was the first time I have actually watched most of the parade. heh. I got a few pictures of friends. That was fun. I wandered over to Leather Alley and talked to people for a while before my shift of topping for the crowd. Much flirting was done. Then I played for a while. There was lots of interpersonal drama during the day. Expectations weren’t met. People were disappointed. Crying happened. Once again I took too much personally and felt like shit. I was responsible for disappointing people. It was my fault that people were upset. There is no way it was my fault, but I felt like it was. I did get topped for a while and that was good. I got my boots shined. I felt happy about flirting. But there was so much negativety all day that I couldn’t shake feeling miserable. Then I ended up not spending time with someone I wanted to spend time with. Then I ended up not managing to find anyone to keep me company. I walked like 12 blocks with feet that hurt so bad I wanted to sit down on the corner and cry. I got on bart and went halfway to my car. Then I noticed…. motherfucker. My car keys were at my friends house. I had to go back and get them. It took me hours because I hurt so bad. I dropped by the Liquid Munch after I finally got my car. I wanted a little mild affection. It turned into drama. I’m not sure what happened. Paul was being upset and pissy. Katie was miserable. Apparently her ex had come to her house that morning. *sigh* Paul was all melodramatic with me, and said, “I hope I didn’t offend you….” “Well, you did.” Then he got more pissy. I should have lied. *sigh*

I went home. I flopped. I feel icki and sad. I get to go start school in an hour and a half.

If anyone dumps anymore freakin angst on me in the next 24 hours I am going to lock my front door, rip the phone line out of the wall and never ever talk to anyone again.

Hey! “Chasing that Neon Rainbow” by Alan Jackson is a Shottishe! (However that is spelled…) This was a fun discovery while drunk in my living rom…. heh.

Wow is the weekend booked like crazy already!

Friday: Eat dessert with very cool people.
In bed with Fairy Butch with a hot girly and friend. I look forward to meeting her friend! Any friend of this girly has got to be a nifty person.

Saturday: Dancing stuff intermitently during the afternoon.
Dyke march.
Bi ball? I have been asked to maybe head over with someone I am interested in. It could be very interesting…

Sunday: Parade watching (I wish I could march, but it isn’t a good idea.)
Work the Janus Booth tying up hot chicks.
Date with a hot boy. We’ll see how that goes… (Once again, I’m nervous. I am so silly.)

Will I see anyone at any of these events?

A friend commented last night..

“I used to be old school, now I’m just old.”

It was difficult to control my laughter.

Like I’m not already busy. Oy.

Home

Dancing!

I’m watching “Oliver!” After doing this show twice in one season when I wad 15 I never would have believed I would be willing to sit through it again… But I’m enjoying it. I am remembering all sorts of things that happened during that period of my life. I’m much happier now.

The weekend was… uhm… fabulous. The weekend began on Thursday for me. I got to go spend a little bit of time with a nifty boy in Davis and dance with him. Anna’s graduation was remarkably painless. I enjoyed meeting her boy. He is cute and sweet and polite. I wish he knew that she is mad for him. erf. Dancing Friday night was pretty good. There were many missing faces that I mourned, but such is life. I had several nice boys choose to ask me to dance multiple times and that was swell. Saturday was a good talk with Tom. Relationship stuff. As isn’t much of a shock things are strange with Tom. I think things have been strange with Tom since I fell in love with him. I’m starting to take some of his quirks less personally, which is a big deal. It is significant personal progress on my part in general. I love him, and I have some hard choices to make soon.

Saturday night was Black Sheets. Damn was it hot. I had a blast. I had sex with Dad much to my still freaked-outedness. I haven’t finished processing that act. I’m working on it. It was scary. It actually was really painful and not that erotic. I don’t like his piercing. The blowjob was more fun than the penetration, but such is life. 🙂 He is really happy about it. He thinks it will bring us closer. I don’t know. I was already very attached to him and I don’t see how it is likely to change. *shrug* I flirted very actively with two boys that I met there. It was really funky for me. I have never been that active/busy of a hussy before…. dude. I made out with/was spanked by one of them and that was it. I uhhh got a bit more active with the other boy but it didn’t go that far. He had rules 🙂 I’m not sure how much I really wanted to do with him, so I was actually happy he had limits. I’ve heard from one of them so far… I’m not sure if I want to follow up on it. I can’t go to the next Black Sheets because I will be in Eureka teaching sm classes. I need to talk to the organizer about that more… hmmm

Sunday I had a date with Paul and we watched “Saved!” I liked it. Very amusing trite sort of movie. I recommend it for humor sake. We had a disappointing time at Mo’s b-day dinner. Then we went and picked up Katie. God DAMN is she hot. The play between the three of us is pretty fun. Although this wasn’t really play so much as just sex. 🙂 I spent all of Monday with Katie getting to know her better. We got familiar with one another’s history’s. She is so sweet. I really like her. I am going to enjoy spending more time with her in the future. I went to the Plough and then Death Guild. Yay dancing.

I flaked on my plans for after Death Guild because I was sooooo tired. My head hurt and I felt ready to cry. I just wasn’t up to a date. I am really sorry. I don’t like flaking. It is the second time I have cancelled plans with this person and soon he is going to decide that I am not worth the effort. Just wait and watch. *sigh* I am overscheduling myself and I’m not handling it well.

(side note- Oliver! is up to my favorite song. Yay!)

This afternoon I had lunch and a lovely chat with a gorgeous woman. She gave me an out for my relationship with Tom. I have to decide how I feel about that. Really trippy to think that I really am not trapped in any way. I am here because I want to be here. Do I want to be here?

Uhm well, if anyone wants to get ahold of me before ohhh Wednesday, please call me. I don’t think I will be checking email as I’m house hopping. Yay dates.