{milestones} ewwwwwww

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Whereas Shanna has technically vomited before that was a direct chain reaction of too much junky food+ too much sugar + chugging way too much juice really fast = stomach says no. That was on Halloween. Generally speaking she wasn’t sick that day.

Now she is sick. She’s been miserable for the better part of a week with fever off and on, a really nasty runny nose, general malaise (from what I can tell), and occasional cough. Last night she went to sleep super early (really around 6:30 on Noah’s chest in the living room) and she was transferred to bed for the night around 8. Around 9 she woke up and vomited all over herself and the bed. 🙁 There was a rather alarming quantity of chunk. She had to go straight into the shower because her head/hair was so full of slime. 🙁 Noah cleaned up her person and I stripped the bed. She has been sleeping in her own bed lately but we pulled her into our bed for the night. She slept like the dead. She woke up fussy and whiny and hungry around 6 am (a pretty normal wake up time) so I made her some chicken noodle soup and mostly just let her sip broth. She nursed on one side and passed out hard. She is showing no signs of stirring.

This has been her worst illness to date. My poor baby. 🙁

ETA: and… now she has really nasty diarrhea. I wish I knew more about watching for signs of dehydration in small ones. 🙁

30th birthday musing

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In this filter there are currently: Mo, Alex, and Sarah(yes!) (all of whom I functionally think of as single), Mark/Laura, and Brittney/Joe (two married couples who at this point do not have children), and Ali/Mark and Deborah/Anthony (both couples have two kids and I think they don’t plan on more).

So this filter is relatively small. I’m giving you guys this run down so you have some idea of who I am talking to about this topic. 🙂 It is also worth pointing out that even though I like all the people in this group and I would want to spend a fair bit of time with you, I need my ‘family time’ and I need a lot of it. So we would not be locked at the hip by any measure.

I would like to go on a Disney Cruise and to Walt Disney World for my 30th birthday. That’s a bit out, not till September 2011 but pre-planning is required for a couple of reasons. We just bought into the Disney Vacation Club because given my vacation habits it’ll be paid for in like five years. 🙂 If I have some idea of who might be interested it changes a bunch of my potential strategies and it gives people a chance to start saving money.

Here are some of my nitty gritty details that I’m pondering:

I can rent a 2 bedroom cottage (174 pts) or a 3 bedroom cottage (281 pts) at WDW for six days. A 2 bedroom can sleep up to 8 people and a 3 bedroom can sleep up to 12. (Children under 3 are ‘free’.)

A 3 night cruise is possible (90 pts for us 67 for someone else) or a 4 night cruise (98/77) or a 7 night cruise (157/127). [Uhhh… I’ll have a maximum of 695 points to work with.]

If 8 or fewer people are interested and sharing rooms isn’t a problem technically speaking Noah and I could pay for two state rooms and the cottage with our points. It would wipe us out for while but it would be the most wonderful birthday trip I can imagine. In exchange for that I would request that folks contribute some reasonable amount that would at least cover the rest of the trip for us (airfare, food, park tickets, some souvenirs) because dude…I’m saving you many many thousands of dollars.

Alternatively some different combination of people could say, “I will join you at WDW but not the cruise” or vice versa. Or some people could say, “I would feel more comfortable paying for myself but I can only afford a 3 day cruise and 4 days at the park.” There are many different options available. It is also possible (and pretty common) for people to stay at multiple resorts during their stay in WDW. If my family goes before anyone else we can stay in a small studio and move to a larger accommodation when others want to join up and save a bunch of points. WDW has a whole process set up for moving your stuff. It’s pretty cool. 🙂

I am partially starting this negotiation so early because I am excited about the possibility and partially because I have to make my reservations about a year in advance and this way people have plenty of dithering time before I have to commit officially.

So…. yeah! I’m going to have decades of joy out of speculating about trips. I apologize in advance to the people who talk to me on IM and who may already be sick of this. 😀

Nice day

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In an attempt to remind myself of the people who love me I called one of my friends last night and asked him if he wanted to grab dinner since I was giving Noah the night off. 🙂 It was lots of fun. It was really nice to reflect on how much our relationship has grown and changed in the last ten years. He is pretty awesome about listening without trying to ‘fix’ at this point despite the fact that it takes conscious out loud reminders (he does this for himself) don’t fix! Don’t fix! It’s pretty cute. 🙂 He said something to me that I appreciated a lot. I told him I was pregnant (he is kind of out of the loop) and that I had been last time I saw him at Dickens but I didn’t know yet. He said, “That explains the level of emotional you were displaying then” and I quipped, “As opposed to just being generally crazy?” and he said, “Despite your desire to self-identify that way you really aren’t crazy.” I kind of stopped. That was interesting for me. Let’s just say that if he thought I was crazy he would say so. He’s really not one to uhm pull punches. So it was kind of startling.

What am I getting out of describing myself that way? Something to ponder.

Not to mention that I spent the earlier part of the day with a girlfriend. She asked to come over and that felt nice. It was nice to catch up with her because we haven’t done that in months. 🙂

And I was right to cancel the massage. There was no way in h-e-double hockey sticks Shanna would have tolerated me lying on the table. She’s starting to feel better physically today but now I’m getting a cough too. I’m glad I didn’t send this bug home to Ms. I Have To Take The Boards On Tuesday. 🙂

Two things

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As much as it does get annoying to be trapped under Shanna while she naps I love that she is still my baby. She is a huge, precociously talking toddler… but she’s still my baby. *love*

And! We are going to Disneyland in December and I am so excited I can’t stand it. I know that the trip is ten months away, but I haven’t been to Disneyland in years! As I’m sitting on the couch trying not to feel icki I’m really enjoying thinking about all the planning stuff I want to think about for the trip. Planning trips, even ones I never actually go on, is really exciting and fun for me. I love thinking about every possible detail and arrangement of plans. Shanna will be two and a half and I think that is just about the perfect age for maximum enjoyment of the magic. Of course, this means I need to show her a few Disney movies between now and then so she gets it. 🙂 I’m really tempted to avoid the Disney Princess movies and stick with the books for those stories. That way I can slightly edit the ‘helpless female’ schtick. But movies like Pinnochio, Dumbo, The Aristocats etc. are awesome and she’ll love them.

I’ve been bugging people on IM about this trip all day. I’m really enjoying poking around the website and making plans. 😀

Ha. What a life summary.

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With yet more thanks to facebook I found a fella I was good friends with in high school. He was one of the guys I cheerfully beat the crap out of nearly daily and he has the distinction of being the first person whose ribs I cracked. (He told me I couldn’t beat him wrestling. I did.) Catching up on 12 years of missed contact was pretty funny. He and I both dropped out of high school, though I ended up with a diploma anyway. He has been traveling the world and seeing awesome places. He doesn’t have a college education and really doesn’t care. He is currently in the Middle East and has been for a couple of years. It sounds very exciting to me.

He was shocked when I told him about the bdsm stuff–which, as Jenny pointed out, shouldn’t be shocking at all compared to the current domesticity. 😛 He told me that he admired that I worked in service to the community as a teacher. I wasn’t sure if he was mocking me given the choice of language. He said the thing he is most envious of is that I’ve had way more sex than him over the years. 🙂

Summarizing my life over the last 12 years quickly does sound way way more interesting than it feels to me at the moment. Perspective is funny.

Pity party, table of one

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Today my (awesome, fabulous) midwife was asking me questions about my community and what kind of support I have. It was quite disheartening to realize that for my first pregnancy I was completely confident in my community, my chosen family, and my friends that they would be there for me. I’m not anymore. If something bad happened and I had to stay in the hospital for a while with the new baby I would have to do it alone because Noah would have to stay with Shanna. I don’t think we have other options. I have people in my life who love me, but they are all people who have too much on their plates to begin with and they really, legitimately don’t have time for me.

I’ve tried so hard to make new friends in the mommy world and it’s just completely failed. When people just stop returning my calls that is kind of a hint. I feel like I have become too mundane for the freaks to give a shit about me anymore and the more mundane people seem to find me kind of disgusting.

I am so lonely.

Slave labor

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Shanna has been very enthusiastically trying to help ‘clean’ the kitchen lately using our broom/dustpan. The problem is that the adult broom is big enough to whack her in the head and she cries constantly and she loses/hides my dustpan which royally pisses me off. So yesterday she got her own broom and dustpan. She’s so excited! She is moving around the kitchen telling us, “Shanna is helpful girl! Shanna cleaning!” Now we just need to work on her technique so that she actually does some cleaning instead of just moving things back and forth on the floor. 🙂

Cause I feel like it

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You know the rules by now.

1. I’m feeling incredibly conflicted towards you right now. The push pull is driving me batty.
2. I have decided that in the interests of not looking pathetic and clingy anymore I am going to let you do the contacting for at least one or two go rounds. We’ll find out if we are actually friends.
3. If many many people all read the same thing and reach the same conclusion it is highly unlikely we all read it wrong. Maybe you should work on your communication skills.
4. I really wish you would shut the fuck up. I don’t want to be on the same side of any argument as you.
5. I wish I could do better.
6. I really wish you would stop saying, “I totally want to hang out” and then never call me back. Just admit you don’t want to be friends. I’m a big girl; I’ll deal.
7. I keep thinking about you. You called once. I called back. …. Silence. I wonder if I’ll ever get over you.
8. I wish I didn’t notice your behavior.
9. I’m trying, really. I’ll try harder. You deserve better.
10. As bad as it makes me feel to admit it–I kind of wish that you would just die. Then you couldn’t hurt me anymore and I wouldn’t have to deal with feeling terrible for trying to prevent you from hurting me.

Not accurate!!!

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I just finished watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. It is not accurate in ways that bug me. I know it was a gigantic book and they were going to have to cut things, but I don’t like the random things they added. No I’m not going to get into details cause I don’t want to be yelled at again for spoilers. It was a pretty movie, I’ll give them that.

I needed that.

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I’ve been feeling very fussy about a few social interactions lately. I’ve in fact been writing humongous long rants in response to them (they take a while–I think I’m up to page six on one of them and Shanna is a big distraction) and I think I’m just going to let it go. I got a message today that reminded me of the humanity on the other side of the behavior that bothered me and I need to let go of my internalized grudge. Now the work will be for me to not feel bad about the stuff I never got around to saying publicly. 😀

Old meme

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I posted this more than six years ago. Let’s do it again, shall we?

Post anything that you want, and post it anonymously. Anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love — anything. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you’d like. Then, put this in your LJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don’t even realize read your LJ) have to say.

Crazy people

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My sister sent my brother a horribly rude, inappropriate, awful letter. I can’t believe her. Well no, that’s not true. I totally believe that she did it. She has no sense of responsibility and she has no fucking boundaries.

But you know what? My brother sent it to me. And he talked to me about it. And he wanted comfort and community with me around how crazy she is. I really hope she will leave him alone again, but I’ll take the outreach. It’s amazing how talking to him affects me. I start to shake. I’m so terrified of doing something or saying something wrong and having him shut me out again. That’s actually a pretty terrible manifestation of the overall abusive nature of our relationship. If I feel that way while talking to him it’s not healthy at all. And the way I crave his approval is also seriously unhealthy.

God I can’t win.

Oh MY GOD!!

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I am so excited. I managed to get reservations to The French Laundry. Then I managed to arrange babysitting for Shanna so we can stay overnight. Then I found an awesome B&B. This is going to be a rather expensive weekend (it blows our ‘fun’ money budget for ohhhh six months) but it will be worth it! I am so excited I can barely sit still!!!

Oh man. Now I have to figure out what to wear. I’m just pregnant enough to look really fat (and not be able to wear most of my awesomest clothes) but not pregnant enough that I have that “awww what an adorable pregnant belly” thing going on. It’ll be great! I don’t care!

Happy dance!

Reading about race

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Given that I’m so white I glow in the dark I spend a noticeable amount of time thinking about what I can and should do to raise a child who has a good understanding of race issues and who isn’t a twat. That’s an important bit. Some of the good stuff I’ve been reading lately include:

http://loveisntenough.com/2009/08/05/white-noise-white-adults-raising-white-children-to-resist-white-supremacy/

http://nerdsevolving.blogspot.com/2009/08/what-black-women-were-white-women.html

There are others, of course, but I closed some tabs too quickly.

Really intense.

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My spanking experiences weren’t anything like this, but this is what I think of when people tell me that spanking is right for some children: http://www.drmomma.org/2010/01/how-spanking-changed-my-life.html Anyone who believes that *they* would be a better judge of necessary spanking than this woman’s family are probably lying to themselves.

Thinking

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So I’ve been taking some time off. Maybe you noticed, maybe you were grateful that I shut my mouth for once. 😛 But yeah, stuff. I’m going to try a different technique for handling some stuff and see if it works for me. I miss writing here.

I’m nine weeks now. This pregnancy seems pretty willing to stick and that is wonderful. I’m much much much less sick than I was with Shanna (thank all deities everywhere) so I’m even feeling ok. I’m not feeling ‘normal’ and I’m not feeling energetic or anything crazy like that. But I’m not overwhelmingly sick and completely incapacitated so I consider that a win. 🙂 Humble expectations are important. I manage to do an okay job of interacting with Shanna during the day. We do a lot of cuddling on the couch and I am also incredibly grateful that she is so willing and able to entertain herself for long stretches. I know it is unusual. As a result of her playing alone a lot of the day she has been pretty needy in the evenings and the bulk of that is falling to Noah. Let me take a moment to say that my husband has stepped up in a variety of ways and man do I love him. He is doing ALL of the cooking and most of the cleaning and a much larger share of kid-wrangling than usual. As a result this is probably our last kid. That’s… as mixed as that kind of thing might be.

We went to Arizona to see Sarah. That was really awesome. It was occasionally challenging to deal with Shanna, but mostly she was her awesomely obedient and friendly self so it wasn’t too bad. It was really nice to get to sit down and talk to my Sarah again. It’s hard having her so far away. I miss her. Unfortunately we cut the trip a bit short. Has anyone noticed this storm we’re having? Yeah, I had to drive home from Arizona through that and I am really glad I left before things had gotten too established. The drive home was pretty hairy at times and it would have been much worse another day or so later from what I can tell. Also: the Grand Canyon is breathtaking. So far in all of my travels I have set Alaska up as my own personal definition of Most Awe Inspiring Place but the Grand Canyon kicked Alaska’s ass. I would like to go again while not pregnant and seriously hike it.

Oh, side thing: people who bring a two year old on a 2.5 hour train ride without ANY form of amusement or toy are flippin stupid.

I’ve been hibernating a lot more than usual lately. On one hand it’s lonely. On the other hand it feels like what my body needs and I’m drained from the basics of day-to-day life without any extra stress. See, this is why I miss my Sarah so much. I could whine at her about being sad and lonely and not wanting to leave the house and she would come visit. Ok, I’m not really sad. But I am lonely. It’s interesting how sometimes those two things are tied together and sometimes they aren’t. I’m starting to move into that placid slow-moving-brain thing I had when I was pregnant with Shanna. I feel like I’m seeing most of life from under water. Things are just slower and less sharp and that’s kind of nice. I feel … honestly kinda stoned. Ha. But it’s in a very nice way. I’m just drifting through life and that feels ok and good and right. If I could have this mental feel without feeling so physically debilitated I think I would want to be pregnant forever. If I couldn’t talk Noah into being quiverfull I would surrogate over and over. 🙂 But, I don’t get to pick and choose so no permanent pregnancy for me. 🙂

I saw my brother on the drive home from Arizona. That was shocking. I knew I was going to be driving within 2 miles of his house so I called him and asked if he wanted to meet his niece. After double checking that I wasn’t going to force him to deal with our mother he said he wanted to meet her. When I told him that I am not currently speaking with our mother he seemed to feel much better. We had about two and a half hours of sitting around talking. It was a really good conversation. He admitted things out loud that I’ve always suspected. I was shocked and impressed that he has gotten to a point where he can admit those things. He’s grown up a lot. He seemed similarly impressed with my attitude about his behavior of the past few years. I told him that I understand why he has felt he needed to make the choices he made but they still make me sad. I think I managed to convey how much I would like a relationship with him without being pushy or demanding or needy. I’m proud of myself for how I handled my end of things there. I’m really grateful that he gave me a chance. I’m not sure we are going to start having a close relationship any time soon, but maybe it will be a beginning.